[stefano]

That's it. She was overwhelmed by depression. Body not found but I know what she did.

she used to be in this forum, 30 yo.

it's over two weeks now.

We have been best friends for 12 years, she was like a small sister or a daughter. We where on skype almost every evening.


I feel betraied but also guilty. The pain is so sharp, the void so huge, the tears so bitter.

I loved her the best I could. Was not enough. Depression due to CEN won.

I'm just going through the days, waiting that one day life may restart for me.

I used to be greteful for this amazing friendship every night before bedtime, now I must go on by myself.

Thank you

[Skeezyks]

My sincere condolences on your tragic loss. Here's a link to my favorite of the articles on grief & loss that are in PC's archives. What I especially love about this article is the "Self-Compassion Break Exercise" at the end of the article:

What My Dog Taught Me about Grief and Loss

May it be of benefit.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Oh Stefano. I'm so deeply sorry for you both

[~Christina]

I’m so sorry for your loss I have also lost a friend from here. Be kind to yourself

[Guiness187055]

I am so sorry for your loss Stefano....

[WastingAsparagus]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

How are you doing, Stefano?

[*Beth*]

I am so, so sorry. Losing a loved one to suicide is a very specific type of extremely painful grief. How are you?

[stefano]

I am feeling terribly sad and lost.
During the day, when something relevant happened, I was always like "I can't wait to tell her..."
I knew perfectly what could make her laugh, and I could not wait the whole day to shed some light on her sadness... I made memes and ragecomics for her and now, I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. All our countless inside jokes are coming back like thorns.
It is incredible that I knew this could happen and I THOUGHT I was at least partially prepared. What a fool.

Thank you all for your kindness, it is very important

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I wish I could say something that would ease your pain.

Just know that you're not alone.

[stefano]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

I wish I could say something that would ease your pain.

Just know that you're not alone.

You just did it
Thank you

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Thinking of you.

Stefano, the details may be torturing you right now. But it won't always be the case.

I lost someone I Ioved (but was no longer with) in that way, and I never found out how it unfolded. The euphemism 'the drink and depression just got too much' was used, and that seemed an elegant way of putting it.

I was absolutely heartbtoken. Dropped my phone and fell to my knees when I heard the news.

I've upset myself a bit!

Well, that's just the way it is. And a tribute to him, in a way.

Hang in there, friend.

[stefano]

Sorry to bring up bad memories, but thank you for the support.

[stefano]

I am doing a lot of guided meditations these days, to calm down and relax if possible.
I wanted to share this one that I appreciate in particular. I do it very night before going to sleep.

[Travelinglady]

[stefano]

Feeling very bad today. I keep tormenting myself about all the things I should have done during the years to change the situation.
If I had been able to get a proper job, a home (I live with my parents) we could have lived together.
I could have talked to her family to make them stop being so toxic. But she didn't want me to, I could have lost her trust.
Now I'll drag myself to the gym and then maybe I'll feel better.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by stefano

I am doing a lot of guided meditations these days, to calm down and relax if possible.
I wanted to share this one that I appreciate in particular. I do it very night before going to sleep.

Nice meditation thanks for sharing. Here are a couple I enjoy

[CANDC]

stefano. Survivors guilt tore me apart for a while. All the whatifs. It sounds like in some ways she wanted to deal with this in her own way.

Exercise helps me get out of the doldrums. Hope it works for you.
@CANDC

[stefano]

Originally Posted by CANDC

stefano. Survivors guilt tore me apart for a while. All the whatifs. It sounds like in some ways she wanted to deal with this in her own way.

Exercise helps me get out of the doldrums. Hope it works for you.
@CANDC

Yes, I'm trying not to blame myself for not doing more.
I do martial arts and I have managed to drag myself to the dojo. I hope it will help.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by stefano

Yes, I'm trying not to blame myself for not doing more.
I do martial arts and I have managed to drag myself to the dojo. I hope it will help.

Just getting out of the house helped me. There are almost vibrations that get set up in my house that seem to disappear when I am in a different environment.

I practice Tai Chi and Qi Gong. My granddaughter is just starting with karate.
@CANDC

[stefano]

I do aikido. I also did karate in the past.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

How are things looking for you today?

[stefano]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

How are things looking for you today?

Yesterday I have been to see my therapist. He's been treating me for the last 15 years, even if with interruptions. I had interrupted therapy about one year ago because I was feeling well and because I had my main issues addressed already, and because I had a best friend to motivate me...
So I contacted him again because he is the only person who really knows WHAT she meant for me. During sessions I used to name Mojca so often...
I also discontinued therapy because I was trying to achieve financial autonomy from my parents (which is kind of an issue when you are 48) and I coul not afford the fee.
He was very impressed and he said "let's just meet". He didn't want to be paid. So I told him the whole story and I cried a damn river. But it made me feel better because he is the only one who could understand fully the depth of my loss.
My family is helping me, but they never met Mojca in person. I never insisted on this and now I'm glad I did, or they would be feeling bad like me, because she was adorable, contrary to her own belief. In fact, she din't want to meet my family, she was sure they would have seen her imaginary defects and hated her.


Today I got some work to do (I work at home) and I did it. I'm growing tired but I know I must have patience. All my things are still. The windows laptop I only used for games is been closed since then. My folder of downloaded movies has not been opened since then. I'm in a limbo where sometimes I cry.

Now it's almost 3AM I think I'm ready for some guided meditation and go to sleep, finally.

Let me tell you that your inquiries are really appreciated.

In fact, I think I took advantage of you, I didn't mean to be this long.

[5stacks]

Sorry for your loss

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by stefano

I do aikido. I also did karate in the past.

I did aikido 30 years ago but the rolling and holds are painful as I get older so Tai Chi is not as hard on me. Actually helped me feel better in some parts of my body.
@CANDC