Adult Children

Hello
I joined this forum primarily to find others who are estranged from their adult children.

I raised my two children alone and until a few years ago we were very close. As I became less available to them due to illness they have withdrawn. Worse really.

I'm very confused and never expected this as I and their stepfather have been generous and loving for years. If anyone can shed light on this situation I would appreciate it

. I feel alone and ashamed as I imagine that only bad parents are treated in this way. I was far from perfect but they both acknowledge that I have always been a loving and dependable mother.

I'm at a loss as to what to do.

When you say withdrawn do you mean too busy to call you? Or do you mean literally ignoring you?

Hi Sarahsweets
Unfortunately they have openly rejected me. It is a long story. Not sure how much detail I want to share but suffice to say we gave and gave and gave. They took and then found unreasonable excuses to abandon us.

Haven’t heard from them in two years.

They have issues that I think are related to heredity. I have studied psychology, I have a Masters Degree and worked as a therapist for 30 years.

There is severe pathology in my family and I married a man who is likely a sociopath. Their father, not my current husband.

My husband and I are devastated but there is nothing more we can do. The ball is in the children and grandchildren’s court.

Thank you for your response.

What is your story?

I don't have anything to offer on this topic. However, assuming you're 55 or older, I think another forum you might consider posting with regard to this would be the Seniors' Lounge.

Skeezyk

Thank you. I have not seen the Senior Lounge so I am will look for it.

I found a 55 and older group but no one seems to have posted lately.

Yes, some of the groups are less well-used.

It's nice to meet you, anyway. I've just seen one of your paintings. It's absolutely stunning.

I'm trying to be a novelist myself.

I'm really sorry about the kids.

I'm a bit low on energy at the moment, but always happy to listen, if you want to say more.

Take care.

Purple,Violet,Blue,
Hi thank you for the compliment! You are very kind.

Thank you for responding also. I wonder if a group for those over 55 would be more active now. I think the moderator of the one I visited has not posted since 2017? But I might be wrong. I'm still learning how to navigate here.

Would you know who I might ask about that?

Love your name.

Hi, Paper.

I've had a quick look, and I think if you click on Senior's Lounge # 2 and look at the fu
first few posts, they're definitely from today or yesterday.

Not the one by Doc John. He's the owner, so he and the mods set things up by putting so-called 'stickies' at the top of each form (permanent, useful info).

Below, you'll see threads and posts by people like TravellingLady. Click on the last page of these, otherwise you'll be looking at really old messages!

Otherwise, you might want to consider the Healthy Parenting forum. Many of the threads involve grown-up children.

I have similar issues, possibly, to you (we're all, of course, very wary about hazarding diagnoses for others) in that I had childhood abuse, leading to anxiety and depression. So, I tend to post in Depression or CPTSD.

But, honestly, I don't think it matters where you post.

Or, you can message any of the mods listed at the bottom of each forum. They might not have posted recently (they only do that if there's a good, moderation-related reason to), but at least one will always be on call.

Hi Paper Roses. Sorry for the loss of that active relationship with your children. The most difficult a mother faces is the loss of a child either to death or separation. A child is always a child to a mother no matter what they do.

The only thing I found I can control is my own expectations and reactions to situations. By adjusting those, I am less overwhelmed by unexpected circumstances.

There are many possible reasons why they act the way they do. Could be their biological father is controlling them and filling their head with untrue things. Could be that they are fighting for their independence. The list goes on.

I see the senior lounge has active posts in last day or two. The link is here https://psychcentralforums.com/seniors-lounge/
@CANDC

CANDC
Thank you. I found it with your help.

There father has been trying to sabotage. Funny, he never paid child support or told them to do their homework! Now he is their hero? I know he has lied to them about me. Blaming me for the divorce. But is so sad that they allow him to turn them agai st me?
I was the one who raised them.

Hello, Paper Roses. I'm glad I happened to find your post. Are your children involved in the "NC" (no contact) trend?

I have two adult children, my daughter (34) and my son (31). Thank the universe for my son, who is a mature and kind-hearted man. My daughter...another story.

In a few paragraphs: My daughter and I were as close as a mom and daughter could be. We were definitely mother and daughter, but also best friends. My kids grew up in a very loving and supportive home, absolutely nothing abusive. I was an at-home mom, which I loved. My husband worked full time.

In 2017 my daughter decided to go to grad school and I was very happy for her. But she was under a lot of pressure and feeling anxious and stressed. She has always struggled with anxiety and had regularly seen a therapist when she was growing up, to learn how to live with anxiety and cope in healthy ways.

I suggested that my daughter see a therapist for a "tune up"...to refresh some coping skills around the stress of dealing with being a grad student. So, she did reach out and find a therapist.

Well, her therapist told my daughter that she "needed a break" from having a mentally ill mother. Such BS. I have always been in treatment, worked hard at being stable, and I can honestly say that my kids were not burdened by my mental illness at all. If anything, I modeled for them how to work on having good mental health.

In addition to her therapist, my daughter's husband (who was raised in the foster care system and has a very shaky notion of what 'family' means) encouraged her to stop being close to me.

On November 6th, 2018 my daughter completely cut off all contact with me. She calls her dad (my husband) about every 8 weeks. But that's it...no contact with her family (a occasional bit with her brother, but not much).

My world is shattered from my daughter's NC. She's paying her therapist a handsome sum and honestly, I have serious doubts about the integrity and/or talent of the woman. I have no idea of when (if ever) my daughter plans to communicate with me again. The situation is the very definition of batshit insane.

So, there's my story. I hope you see this. You are not alone.

@Paper Roses

I’m dealing with the very same thing. It’s very hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through it too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilyMop @Paper Roses I’m dealing with the very same thing. It’s very hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through it too.

Thank you, LilyMop. I'm sorry for you, too. I have the feeling that there are others on PC who are also living with adult child estrangement.


Oddly, my daughter and her dad were never that close as she grew up. I mean, they loved each other, but they had their share of disagreements. But she and I were so very close - yet it's him she has now attached to, to a degree. I understand that my daughter might need to be more independent of me. What I don't understand is why she doesn't dialogue with me about how she feels, and why.

@BethRags

I don’t think we will ever quite understand it. I think it’s natural to feel confused and hurt and sometimes angry. I’m hoping I can come to a place of acceptance. For many years I was very hurt and sad. Then recently I became very angry. Maybe we can work through all of this somehow and find some peace? I don’t know how to handle it really but every day I try and I hope to reach a place of acceptance and peace.

I feel like I will cycle through the various stages of grief forever. Sad, devastated, hurt, angry, bargaining, horribly confused, betrayed. The list seems endless. Even if at some point she contacts me (which I figure she eventually will), how can I ever trust her again?

One part of her estrangement I have come to peace with is that I've stopped searching for reasons to blame myself. For the first 9 months I tore myself up with thinking I had done something horribly wrong. Had absolutely no idea of what, since I loved her with all my heart and soul. (I ruminated over that! "Is it possibly to love a child too much? Did I indulge her?"). I felt so, so ashamed to have been rejected by my own child.

No more. I know that her childhood was better than good. I'm at a point now where I'm ashamed of her. I mean, she's 34 years old...a little old to lack the foresight many 34 year old people would have. The entire extended family is upset with her. She's doing really well with grad school; one night I told my husband that, you know, we paved the road she's walking on. He agreed. Apparently, she cannot see that, though.

Anyway, you are wisely correct...we might never understand. There is some peace in accepting that.

Wow!
I'm so grateful that Blue Koi (I think) directed me back to this thread. So many if us are experiencing this strange behavior. I believe all of you that you were conscientious and loving parents. If we had been uncaring it's likely we still would be.

My experience with parents who were neglectful and abusive is that their adult children tend to try to get the love from that parent as adults. Mine have done that with their father a d I've seen it with others. The parent (s) who love them are the ones they abandon.

My children and I and their children were very close and it did occur to me that they might need space for individualism.. I don't know the answer.

I'm newly returned to this forum but I wonder if one of you would be willing to start a group for estranged parents. We can discuss the complicated grief process and pros and cons of trying to make contact etc. Losing a child in this way is so unexpected and there is no script to follow.

Please let me know if one of you will start a group? I'm not sure if I can do so yet.

I relate to everything all of you have written. Th e guilt and shame and blaming my self. Thank you

Excellent point about adult children seeking approval and love that they didn't receive when they were kids. My daughter clearly expects me to love her as I always did, do I'm expendable.

Today, I will find out about starting a group.