[Susan27]

Well in less than 30 minutes it will be the anniversary of my Dad's passing. i always have a hard time with this. Loss of a parent is probably always difficult. In the case with my dad, he was mentally ill since I was around 3 years old. He suffered to an extreme degree with paranoid schitzophrenia and bipolar disorder. His love for me always shone through and I am grateful for that. What has tormented me for my entire life is that he never "showed up". His illness was so severe he was in a delusional state all the time. I feel like I've never really met him or him me. I did feel the love...proved to me that love is greater and supercedes the illnesses <font color="purple"> </font> of the mind.

I will never know if my severe anxiety and depression or PD traits, PTSD traits and depersonalization disorder are from my genetics or from the traumatic environment I endured almost every day of my life for 34 years.

I can't be angry at him or blame him...he was doing the best that he could and suffered to an extreme degree almost every day of his life...24/7 you could say.

his passing sent me into tremendous shock. Nearly ended it. They say I was "merged" with him and i totally came unglued for many months. Still to this day, especially because of the dissociative symptoms I live with, I have a hard time getting a clear memory of him or remembering much of my life at all. Makes it hard to hold somebody in your heart that's passed or keep the memories alive when you can't access them yourself. So, I've lost that too.

My T tells me that I'm having such a hard time with this because I spent my entire life waiting for him to show up for me and then he "left" before ever doing so.

It's so hard. I feel like i will never find peace with this. I love him and miss him so much and I guess I'm posting this to let him know that even though i'm shut down to it most of the time.

<font color="purple"> </font> I love you with all my heart Dad <font color="purple"> </font>

[EJ711]

Hi Susan,

It is really hard to come to terms with never being able to have established a loving and close relationship with our fathers.

I'm so sorry for your loss. How long has your father been dead?

Immediately after my brother unexpectedly died almost 34 years ago this month, I wanted to preserve my memories of him, but it was very hard since they caused me so much pain at that time.

Please feel free to PM me.

EJ

[nowheretorun]

that was vwery moving for me to read Susan... i can hear and feel your Love for Dad in every word..

its difficult to think of those who've passed... i've found ways of doing the same, like you, of directing those feelings about their passing into a chamber somehwere in my mind for further mining later...

depression stole from me the ability to feel the grief i would have felt in their passing time ...

i read this tonight because a little while ago i was thinking about my Dad.. he called my mom today for the first time in over 40 years and wished us all a Happy New Year...

then i became busy and didnt remember until about 45 mins ago that I hadnt called him back yet...

then i saw the title of your thread and the heart...

(((hugs27))) i pray you find Peace...

[AAAAA]

I agree with you Susan, no matter how old you are, when you loose a parent, you're suddenly a child again. We lost my father unexpectedly 3 years ago, and there are times when I still reach for the phone to ask him a question.

I find comfort in the fact that he's at peace now.

[Susan27]

AAAAA,
me too. he suffered so much throughout his life I like to picture him freed from the diseases of the physical body (mind) and at peace too.

it's so hard to be w/o a dad

[samm]

i feel your pain and love you have for your dad.
it has been one year now that i lost dad and
yes i feel like a kid again who needs some reasuring that all will be alright i send my prayer to you.
they tell time will heal but that one will never forget
our parents for they lilve in our hearts forever.
samm

[bebop]

I went thru this when my granddaughter died. maybe somewhat when my mom died. the only thing that got me thru it was to know my granddaughter was in Heaven. she was 3 months old and I tell you it is difficult to say the least.
I hope you can somehow find it in you to accept his death at this time. that was when my healing really started. know we are all here for you hon. ((((hugs))))