My Daughters Death @ 10 yrs old - 1997

Oh you all I don't know what to do........
for I got no support what so ever for doing what I did ten years ago, and now I live with the fear of how my own boys will react one day when (and if) they find out that their sister was given away for I "their mom" was not mentally well, therefore the fear of me hurting their sister (my only daughter) was real.

My oldest son still deals with inner wounds that were left in him from his sisters death.

And my own mother and a few of my siblings strongly disagreed with the decision my husband and I made back - so once again, what will my own flesh and blood children think of me?

This is the first time I have ever spoken of all this - let alone talk about my daughter other than to say she was handicap from birth and that she died at the young tender age of ten.

P.S.


I don't remember this part......

But when I was in a mental hospital after my first suicide attempt one of the staff T says that I (one of my alters) told them that I tried to suffocate my daughter one day while she was laying in her crib by placing a pillow over her face.... they say I said her face was on fire.

I honestly have no recollection of that moment or if I even did it, but no matter what I still feared that I might do harm, for I knew that one of my alters from my DID hated my daughter and wanted her gone so that I Carolyn could be happy and live again.

I remember that alters angry and evil voice as she talked to my husband....... I remember asking my husband to sleep in front of our bedroom door so I could not get out while our daughter slept in the next room at night.

I remember my husband and I throwing away all the knives in the house - and to this day I still do not own a good kitchen knife.

I remember leaving a paper in the crib with her so that she might pick of the pieces and choke on them..... then it would not really be my fault - I hated myself and I some time feel evil inside back then even if I did have DID - I was still a mother.

Why did I have to fall apart the last six months of my daughters life? - I loved her and had given 100% care to her since the day she was born....... 1987-1997.

Why did she have to leave this world with me feeling anger and resentment instead of LoVe that was once felt in my heart for her?

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Do you all think bad of ME now? - I understand if you do.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I HATE MY SEXUAL ABUSERS and WISH THEM ALL DEAD....... for LOOK what THEY did TO ME!!!

I am sorry but I HATE MYSELF.......... I think WE shall go away for I do not deserve to LIVE with such a PAST..... Plz Forgive ME.

rhap hon you did nothing wrong. you could not have known she would get sick like this. it is not your fault!

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bebop said:
rhap hon you did nothing wrong. you could not have known she would get sick like this.
it is not your fault!

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Thank YOU Bebop for your kind words...... and while I now know I could not have known that my daughter was going to get sick and die during the time I was away I still live in my own hell and have mental haunts from the way I (and my alters) treated my daughter the last year of her life.... because of my alters I honestly felt as though I hated her before she died, but now I know I (the real me) did not hate a single hair of her sweet little head and yet I cannot hide from the fact that my own hands did what they did and that I did not see / visit my daughter put two times during the six months she was in foster care for her own protection from her own mother - and that the last time I got to touch her she was one day away from death and probably could no longer hear my voice.

hon you can't do this to yourself. we can not dwell on what might have beens. you did nothing wrong. you were ill yourself. you did what you had to do for you! believe me I know what it is like to care for others above oneself. there is always a point you have to take care of yourself. also you can not control your alters. you take no blame honey. no one thinks less of you here.

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bebop said:
also you can not control your alters. you take no blame honey.
no one thinks less of you here.

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Oh how I wish others in RL felt this way......... for they often blamed ME - for they do not understand mental illness nor the full function of DID as many do here.

When I try to talk about DID to others that do not know that I suffer from it - their attitude is not good to say the least, therefore, I feel like a heal having done what I did back then.

These are the times I hate being ME..... and having the past I do..... May tomorrow be better and brighter.

Rhap Your healing from how YOU felt at that time and ,, The I could have done something ,,, You did. > You guarenteed your Daughters well being .

.And in so far as that sharing with others ?

.I kept the lid on my probs ,,,, But was obsereved in a dif persona one time at a Time when calm was needed. And then a question arose as to why I was so Dif , at that moment and Guiding with patience.( Not Me At All ) hehe. It wasn't anything life threatening Just A business Disaster thing in a Hotel>>>> LOL ,,,Pipe broke and well ,, it was a mess to say the least.

Rhap YOU Be Cool , and ....................................what ever you do to cope through this anniversary.

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wmdwright said:
The I could have done something ,,, You did. > You guarenteed your Daughters well being .

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Hmm -
Something to THINK about...........................................

I wonder? - Are the members of PC more accepting of these kinds of problems for they understand mental heath better than the people in the regular outside world..... the non-mental heath illness zone?

I wonder? - If the people here on PC still support ME after knowing my story in fuller details... for I have not heard from many of them since I told my story - released a secret from hell?

I will still support you hon. I felt alot of guilt when we lost my granddaughter. she had a metabolic disorder that both parents had to be at least carriers. I have not been tested but feel I am a carrier too since my daughter is. I totally blamed myself.

Rhapsody, you're being REALLY REALLY hard on yourself! It sounds to me that you made the absolute most responsible decision possible at the time. I would have made the exact same decision. I wish I could lift your guilt from you

Aren't your boys in their 20's now? You know, they are getting to an age where they might begin to understand. True, when they were young, they never would have understood it. Perhaps wait until they are in their late 20s, but then it might be a big relief to everyone involved for you to get it out in the open. They probably have some unanswered questions anyway, and maybe if you can bring your family together with a T or family counselor, then you might be in a safe place to disclose your painful secrets.

I'm sorry you're suffering like this, Rhapsody I wish there is something I could do for you

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LMo said:
Rhapsody, you're being REALLY REALLY hard on yourself! It sounds to me that you made the absolute most responsible decision possible at the time.

I'm sorry you're suffering like this, Rhapsody I wish there is something I could do for you

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Thank You -

The guilt and hardness of myself that I feel comes and goes (never stays all the time) and while I can say that I have better times than bad - it still hurts when the bad times hit me head on.

I guess the guilt I feel is more out of the me (the mommy) trying to hurt my own daughter..... even if I was mentally ill at the time - it just hurts to know that I did such a thing and that I have to live with its memories.

But please know that I heal thru my Venting & Sharing of my pains with others...... so I see this thread as a good thing, a healing tool for me and I thank everyone is that is kind enough to help me heal - even when I am harder on myself than I need to be.

I thank my Inner Soul for being ready to Heal from this ten year wound - almost eleven years in May.

you are right hon. sharing is very healing. I know at times with me for my granddaughter are much harder than others. it will be 12 yrs in March. we know where both our girls are though. they watch over us daily! (((hugs)))

My heart goes out to you, Rhapsody, for your loss.

I have no words... just love in my heart for you...

it's taken me awhile to reply to this, first let me say hold tight to the memories you shared, at least you where able to hold her, love her, cuddle her, I was never given that chance with my little boy, I think of him everyday and it's been 29 years
{{{{{{{ Rhapsody }}}}}}}

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bebop said:
I will still support you hon. I felt a lot of guilt when we lost my granddaughter.

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Do you (or ay one else) ever find that you call one of the other young children in family the name of your lost loved one...... but no one else in the family has noticed this? - Yet!

I find that I often call my great-niece that I baby sit and I have help raised since she was born (2 yrs old now) the name of my daughter (from time to time)......... I actually think this situation is what may have brought me to the point of needing to share of my feelings of her and how she died.

I Wonder / Fear:
What will I do if some one in the family accidentally hears me call my niece the name of my daughter?

I don't think I have really done that but there are no other girls yet in the family. I do know a couple of other girls that are named the same thing and when I hear their parents calling their name it stings a bit.

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bebop said:
I do know a couple of other girls that are named the same thing and when I hear their parents calling their name it stings a bit.

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Yes I have been thru that as well.......................... OUCH!

I want to thank every one that has been helping me thru these very painful and emotional feelings concerning my daughter...... her death.
For with out knowing it you have also helped my remaining alter (i have DID) to heal from this event - Thanks.

rhap hon we are always here for you! anytime

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a dear foster daughter of 12 years in 1999 and I what if'd myself for a long time. I had nightmares that she was lost and I needed to find her or that she was taken away from me and I needed to find her. My therapist convinced me to do EMDR around that whole thing and it really worked. I became so much more peaceful. still her tree in July makes me cry and I hear her in the house still. You did the absolute best you could and eventhough it is hard for me to hear this and take it in, No one is perfect and she knew how much you loved her. I am wishing you peace.

that took courage for you to open up on something you kept within you for so long. keeping those guilts within really hurts. yet, being open hurts, too. the pain of being open is a healing one, although it may not feel that way. i know your pain because i grew up with memories i had thought i had made up due to being 'crazy.'

(((((((((((((rhapsody)))))))))))))))

like everyone else has said, you've done what you could do to protect and care for her. i know it's not how you want it, but you did your best. but i do understand your guilt.

while i was having a flashback, i killed my second cat. after it happened, i wanted to die so bad for the 'crime' i committed. i loved my cat and would have died for her. i know the pain of guilt.... i understand.....