My daughters

Long story, try to make it short and to the point, even thought there is a alot of crap inbetween.

I have two daughters, one is 28, I gave her up for adoption at birth (not my choice), was reunited with her 9 years ago. We communicate by phone alot, I have seen 4 times. She got married 3 years ago and is now pregnant with her first child and is due in December.

My other daughter is 26, lives with me and has drug issues, she smokes crank, crystal meth or whatever you want to call it, she is also a pot head. She sleeps for 2-3 days straight and then is up for days. She does not work, or do much of anything. I have offered her help but until she is willing to admit she has a problem my hands are tied. Keep in mind that she denies the drug use to me.

I bought two plane tickets so that me and my daughter could fly to see my other daughter for next weekend. I haven't discussed the drug issues in a long time, so my daughter was under the assumption that her sister stopped using. Now these two have not spoke in 3 years, no real reason that I know of, just don't communicate with each other.

To shorten it up a bit... they did talk, she admits to her sister about the drug use, now my daughter is uncomfortable about us coming, worried that she will bring drugs into her house, was excited about getting to see her, but is now worried, etc.

I told my daughter not to even think about trying to take anything with her. I was honest with her and told her what her sister had said, about how she was excited to see her, but now... how she don't want any drugs in her house, that she wishes she would stop using.

I wish so very much that my daughter would stop using. I wish my two daughters loved each other like sisters should, but instead they hardly know each other, now I am afraid it going to be uncomfortable while we stay there. I want so much for them to get along. I don't blame my daughter for being upset about her sister telling her about her drug use, but at the same time, I have lived with her this way for so long, it somehow is normal, if that makes any sense. I can't fix her, so I don't even try anymore.

My thing with this is, my daughter knows how I feel about the drugs, I bring it up DAILY... I figure what ever is between these two they will have to work it out on their own. I don't blame my adopted daughter for being upset at her sister, I am upset with her too. I just wanted to go visit and have a good time, her pregnancy is a very big deal for me, and I want her to be happy and not caught up in all this bullsh*!t that I have to deal with since it don't really involve her.

Any comment or suggestions are welcomed.

What a horrible time for you!!! So excited about being a grandma and being brought down by your other daughters drug abuse. Is it too late to just go vist by yourself? I hate to see such a joyous time go sour!

TC,
Dee

Regrets,

Oh boy this is a situation isn't it? I'm not sure how addicted your daughter is, but if she is doing crank or crystal meth I don't see how she would be able to go with you to your daughters and not do drugs while she is there - she would go through withdrawal if she is a daily drug user.

I want to tell you about my friend and you can take what you want from the story but there is similarities. My friends daughter was an alcoholic and addict. Her daughter lost her own daughter at one point due to her drug use. She got rid of her husband, cleaned up, and got her daughter back. Although she had custody of her daughter, she was a nurse who worked third shift, so my friend (grandma) kept her daughter for her pretty much full time.

In addition to this, my friend paid the mortgage on her daughters house and many of her expenses. A couple of years ago I saw her daughter on halloween (my niece and her daughter would trick or treat together). I started to talk to her about my alcoholism and that I was sober and participating in AA. She told me she wanted to go but she couldn't drive at the time and it was an issue. I gave her my number and told her I'd be happy to take her to a meeting. I also told her of a meeting that was at noontime near her so that she could walk to the meeting. I never heard from her - I did try to call her a couple of times.

About 8 months later I saw my friend waiting for the bus to go home from work, so I pulled over and picked her up. Now, my friend at this point was 65 years old and still working so that she could support her daughter and granddaughter (even though her daughter could work). She started to tell me what was going on.

Her daughter apparently got involved with her ex-husband again. The daughter and ex-husband falsified documents to take out a second mortgage on the house for $10,000. Daughter relapsed into drugs and alcohol again. So, my friend sent her to Florida to a treatment facility. While there, her ex-husband came down and got her out. He was violating parole and my friend knew, so the police were waiting for him when he got back and he's in jail again.

Oh ya, her daughter comes back pregnant by him once again. She has the baby, which is immediately taken by the state and place with my friends niece. Her daughter goes back to work and is fired for suspicion of taking drugs from patients. She then gets in a DUI. So my friend tells me that she is paying for three lawyers. One for her daughters job, one for her nursing license, and one for herself because the car was in her name at the time of the accident.

This is all a very extreme case of a person enabling an addict. I begged my friend to turn her daughter out. That if she didn't hit bottom she would never admit her disease. She said that she had lined up a treatment center that is a very long term one and she said her daughter told her she couldn't go there because it was for prostitutes, homeless women, and women who are coming out of incarceration. I told my friend if she kicked her out - she would be homeless (also my sister heard the rumors of her prostituting around town for druges). My friend would not do it.

Two weeks later I opened the paper and her daughter was in the obituaries. I went to the wake and it was the first time I had seen her daughter since the October before and I was shocked of how awful she looked - how drugs took her down so quickly. Her father, who at this point was 80 years old, was sitting in a chair. As I offered my condolences he looked at me and said "what did I do wrong? What else could I have done?". It broke my heart. I told him that he did nothing wrong that no matter what he did she would do what she did.
My friend told me that her daughter mentioned a week before that she wanted to call me to go to a meeting - whether she meant it or not who knows?

In the back of my mind I thought - if they had kicked her out and cut her off - would it have made a difference? There is no answer to that. It may have or she still may have overdosed. Oh yes, what happened was that my friend went to her daughters house and found her dead on the bedroom floor. She had accidentally? overdosed on heroin and cocaine. My friend who is now 67 has custody of her 14 year old granddaughter. Her grandson (the baby that was taken away) was permanently adopted by her niece, so her granddaughter and her brother can see each other.

I wanted to tell you this story because when you are embroiled in the drama of a family member with a drug addiction you can tend to think it's not as bad as it may be and something like this can't happen to you. But it can.

Your daughter needs help and fast. I send you all good energies and thoughts and hope that she can turn this around. You can't - - but you can choose to not support her until she decides to get help.

Tranquility

I am so sorry, Regrets. You are saint to put up with this behavior from your daughter. There could be legal ramifications for you if she is ever busted in your home.

I think you should visit your other daughter alone. It is isn't right to bring this kind of trouble into Daughter #2's home. As other's pointed out, if Daughter #1 is addicted, she could have a very hard time of it if she goes anyway.

i know this sounds harsh and maybe even impossible to think of.....but what about actually giving her to the police? Not only is crystal meth seriously dangerous ....but like wantsto said...its legally dangerous for you as well....sometimes we have to do drastic things into order for a drastic result...and to be quite honest with you im not so sure your daughter will admit she has a problem for awhile unless she hits rock bottom...and perhaps a rock bottom moment would be jail and no available meth....i know what im saying is horrifying...i mean ratting your daughter out ...almost sounds like abandonment...but its really not....you have to be firm in your convictions...and allowing her to stay in your home with no job and doing drugs (even though she lies you still know about it) is almost like letting her .....she may state she is a big girl who can take care of herself...well let her then deal with law as a big girl would do....as a consquence for her actions....as well as living on her own as a big girl would do.....perhaps it may not go as planned...but whats the worst that can happen if you take her to the police? Jail time?rehabiliation and therapy?? a place where her druggy "friends" cannot reach her...remember crystal meth is very dangerous...and if she is as addicted as it sounds she is....withdrawing is very serious...and im sure to some it can be deadly...so please, dont just wait and watch until she admits it...that might not be until she is so far in she doesnt know which is day or night....take action now....stand up for yourself and your home and your family....and she might hate you for alittle while...but in due time she will realize what you did was out of love and concern.......good luck in whatever you do decide...

i second what InACorner said and will add something. she could burn your house down any day or night. if she stays up for days and then sleeps 2 or 3 days, it might be meth. meth is one of the hardest drugs to come off of.

DO NOT TAKE HER WITH YOU!!!!! you have no idea what a nightmare that would be. it could really affect your relationship with your other daughter.

you are enabling her. period. you have to cut her loose, soon, she is never going to quit using. and at 26!!! you'll have her there at 40. that's just 14 years and those years fly by fast, especially when you're in the grips of a user. your money will be gone and your daughter will still be smoking in your bedroom.

drug users don't get up one day and say, "well, i'll quit right now and we'll all be happy and live ever after"....they get up and think, "i've gotta score and get my next fix". she will steal. she'll do anything to get it. i have a friend who's daughter is on the streets and she has no idea where she is at.

this is blunt, but mom, you need to do something now.....and please don't expose your other daughter and her family to this.

telling a user to not take something with her, is like telling the sun not to shine in August in Texas!! good luck! pat

Thanks you all for replying, I know what you say is right, but have you ever had to such a thing as kick out your own child, especially a girl, might not be so hard if she was a guy. I know she is addicted, I love her but hate what she is doing with her life. Turn her in, I don't think I could do that either. If she does get put in jail it will be because of her not me, but I will leave her in there, I will not help her and I have told her that. I don't give her money, I don't let her drive my car. The only thing I give her is a roof over her head and I provide food, that is it nothing more.

I wanted her to go on the trip with me just so she could be included, I thought it might do her some good. It has caused some issues between me and my other daughter, but I hope those issues will pass providing everything goes fine while we are there. If she hadn't of told her on the phone about the drug use, she probably wouldn't even of know. You can't tell by looking at her.

I guess after the trip, I need to do something before it is too late, it just is so hard, at least with her living with me, I come home from work and can see that she is alive, if she is gone, how will I know?

(((( regrets ))))

There are support groups that might help you deal with some of this. It's not easy to turn someone you love out to the streets.

Get through the weekend, stay in a hotel. Your daughter might surprise you and be on good behavior. Yes, she might take some with her, but she might only use enough to "take the edge off." You don't really know.

Like you said, when you get back it'll be time to start thinking seriously about what to do. But worrying about the upcoming weekend is enough worry for now.

Please let us know how you make out.

Petunia

Thank you Petunia.

That is exactly what I plan on doing. I can't solve her issues before the weekend. God know if I could, I would. I hope and pray she don't attempt to take anything since we are flying.

I will keep you posted how it went. It just sort of sucks that all this even had to be an issue since it don't directly involve my other daughter.

Regrets

I understand regrets. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Good luck this weekend. I understand the pins and needles of not knowing what will happen. Try to get some time to breathe, even if you have to go to the powder room often.

yes, lots of people have kicked their children out!!!!!!! when an adult child is not providing for themselves and they are using, why quit?

your daughter's bathroom breaks will be the significant ones. she has to smoke, or shoot it up, somewhere.....

i know i'm blunt. i've had the experience and i worked for years and years with substance abuse patients. talking to them doesn't work..(i finally switched to mental health patients)..they have to want to quit on their own. and to do that, they have to be so down that they can't see anything to do but quit. "bottom out" is what it is called. AND parents have to bottom out also. when you get tired enough of it, it will all come together for you. good luck, pat

p.s., i realize that you have high expectations for this trip. as someone who has been there, i hope it goes well and all of your wishes come true.....xoxox pat

Well, Regrets, perhaps it will be "all for the best" if your daughter does try to take something on the plane -- and gets caught. Then the matter will be out of your hands, and since you have plans to visit the other daughter, you will have something pleasant to take your mind off what has happened.

I wish you all the best for having an enjoyable weekend and in deciding what to do about your daughter.

I kicked my son out at 18. he would not work and cussed me all the time. Now he is a good man with a good job and good wife. Yes it was very difficult to do and yes he did smoke pot alot.

I am not sure I would take my daughter on a trip like that but like another poster said..if she has any drugs on her and tries to get on a plane they might bust her right there. I think tough love works most of the time. maybe it is time to make her stand on her own and get her out of your house. You can get in serious trouble for the drugs being in your house. They can take your house and auction it off on the courthouse steps. One thing is you have to take care of yourself first. I know it is very hard to do but it has to happen. good luck!

She has been using on and off since age 19, she is now 26, I just wonder when will I have had enough, when will I get the strength to kick her out?

A friend told me today about her son, she kicked him out when he didn't work, was out doing drugs till all hours, she said she would of "rather seen him six feet under than to watch him live the way he was living" I just keep thinking of that all day...

I am back... We went, were back, she didn't use any drugs or take any drugs with her, she was difficult to get moving, but once I got her up and moving, she was on her very best behavior. But as usual there is always something that doesn't go right!! I HAVE NEVER FELT SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY LIFE! I couldn't wait to come home, my A-daughter ignored me the whole time I was there, I would try to strike up a conversation with her, she would just answer the questions I asked, she would stay in her bedroom alot. My other daughter noticed it too, she also felt very uncomfortable, so she spent all day Saturday in bed. The last day we were there she spoke to me like nothing was wrong, talked to me alot on the last day, I wish she would of acted like that the whole time we were there. I understand that she is pregnant and is probably very moody, but I just blew $400 (that I really couldn't afford) to be ignored.

there was probably mixed emotions on your pregnant daughters part...and it didnt help that she was pregnant...remember she showed her dislike for you bringing the other daughter....she mainly said the drugs...but i think she also wanted to be just alone with you...just you time...biut remember as an addict does...they twist things into making them about them...im sure you were babysitting her to make sure that she wasnt using drugs and making sure she was on her best behavior...she probably felt cheating...your addict daughter gets your attention 100% of the time...and your other daughter asks to have some of your time and you end up (in her eyes) dragging your other daughter and insisting she come....i think your daughter felt alittle resentful of you for not saying ok..how about just you and i time ...ill go by myself...plus im sure she really wanted all your attention due to the fact she was having a baby...and she probably wanted to use this time to ask you questions and bond as a mother to daughter becoming a mother...she is trying her hardest to deal with her sister being an addict...and im sure she is trying to deal with the question...im being a good daughter...why doesnt she live near me....why doesnt she want to be with me more...spend more time with me...but my sister who doesnt deserve her ...gets her even more ...

i dont know..think about it...that is one scenerio....

((((regrets))))

I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. Sometimes being a parent is hard as we love our children so much and we want them to be happy and well. But sometimes, it is in loving them that we have to let go and love them enough to find themselves. Maybe in a way, she wants you to make her get the help she needs.

So many times, kids really want love through correction. They want to know that we love them enough to make them do what they should. It is easy to give what ever they want or seem to want when sometimes, they are wanting someone to care enough to just be honest with them and really show how much they love them by tough love. They may kick and scream but in the end, they realize just how much we really love them.

I am not judging you, I am just speaking from my heart. I wish you the best and I hope you know that we are hear listening and that you are not alone. Being a parent is hard and wanting the best for our children is natural. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Know I care.

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