[Gasplessy]

I will maybe ask later to delete the thread

My dad is currently fighting against the covid (worst scenario) and the doctors don't know if he's going to make it

I've lost balance and people in the last thre years and i've been stupid and not enough careful in relationships
I was scarred and often unable to talk, unavailable
I feel tired and I think I was in a nightmare. I stayed in bed. Unemployed, alone and sleeping. I really wish I could go back and handle it better. But i was paralyzed and it happened

Now it's getting worst

I hope you can make better
Be correct, be respectful and kind if you can

[winter4me]

You can only do what you can do. (((hug))) I hope your dad makes, whatever happens do take care of yourself and be kind to you.

[*Beth*]

How are things, Gasplessy?

This ***** is a horror show.

[Gasplessy]

I am sorry for whoever is going to read this
I'm posting a lot more than what used to be my standards

I'm currently feeling a bit alone and defeated and don't really know who to talk to
My father passed away yesterday due to covid19
Of course we weren't allowed to touch him for a last goodbye and now i feel really overwhelmed by everything. The loss, the undone, the guilt
These last two years... Lord... i feel i've been such a beast in everything

I hope people around the world will be able to overcome this moment in a good way

[TunedOut]

I am praying for you Gasplessy.Losing a parent is a lot to grieve no matter what the situation. I am sorry your family was not able to tell him goodbye.

I am mostly praying that you are able to forgive yourself. You have been doing the best you can. You are a wonderful person. Perhaps you have been going through your "dark night of the soul"--we all have a shadow side that we have to come to terms with by loving it and forgiving it but then also learning to live without fear--sometimes our shadow side carries a lot of fear and shame but we can overcome it. (

)

I remember that your relationship with your dad is complicated. It will take time to figure out what it all meant. Take time to grieve and come to terms with everything. Everyone has their own timeline but eventually your life will change for the better if you keep on seeking and trying.

[Open Eyes]

@Gasplessy,

I am so very sorry to learn your father lost the battle with this Covid19 virus. Yes, it's terrible that you were not able to visit him or be with him and I have read so many instances about how hard that is when a loved one is struggling and family can't be with them.

Please do not blame yourself for anything you could not do. I am sure his spirit understands and wants you to know he is now at peace.

[Gasplessy]

I was looking at a picture of me and my father. I was about 4, dressed in a carnival costume
His face kind and tired. He was clearly tryin to do his best, as long as my mother

Dad used to work in a factory, sometimes at night
Was really stressed
My mom used to be stressed too. An employee, but in a not really safe environment
She did so much for me and my sister

I used to notice their struggles as a kid, and tried to be good
I wanted to "save" the from their reality
But growing up I became quite difficult, intolerant, angry, careless and lost my way

I regret so much of what happened lately
It was very chaotic
This is life, afterall. You better know

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Gasplessy

I was looking at a picture of me and my father. I was about 4, dressed in a carnival costume
His face kind and tired. He was clearly tryin to do his best, as long as my mother

Dad used to work in a factory, sometimes at night
Was really stressed
My mom used to be stressed too. An employee, but in a not really safe environment
She did so much for me and my sister

I used to notice their struggles as a kid, and tried to be good
I wanted to "save" the from their reality
But growing up I became quite difficult, intolerant, angry, careless and lost my way

I regret so much of what happened lately
It was very chaotic
This is life, afterall. You better know

They might have enjoyed you too! Little kids have their good and loving moments. They also have their moments where they try their parents and teachers patience.

Your parents did the best they could but life just gets hard sometimes. You did and are doing the best you can too!

I believe we were all born into our family of origin for a reason and we are more like our parents or one of our ancestors than we realize. IMO the trauma, poverty, mistakes, love, joy, kindness, good decisions our parents and ancestors faced and made did effect their children. So does the decisions that the people around us have made--for instance, if our leaders choose to go to war or our nation has to go to war to defend itself, the ramifications can be quite intense. Even if COVID-19 goes away, it has effected you and will effect many for years to come. We have to just accept a lot of things in our life because we only have so much control but we can control this moment and what we choose to say, write, read, eat, do, etc. We can even learn to try to think more positively by what we are doing with each moment.

Don't give up Gasplessly. Your grief will eventually get less intense so hang in there. Do what you can to make today good by having goals and working toward them. Check into PC as much as you want. It will take time to get over the loss of your dad. Forgive yourself and your parents. Hugs.

[Gasplessy]

I have a messy personal situation and therefor so full of regrets. My life have been so empty lately
I wish i was a better daughter. I've been a monster for so long
My parents were good and humble people and deserved more... poor souls
Why did I let it ended so bad? Why? When did i stop caring enough?
I wish this was just a bad nightmare
I'm so sorry and wasted

[Gasplessy]

Thank you, @TunedOut for your very kind words

But I don't kind i'm in the position to forgive myself. I feel like a murder... i stole life from my family and other people without realizing it. There is no relief...

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Gasplessy

Thank you, @TunedOut for your very kind words

But I don't kind i'm in the position to forgive myself. I feel like a murder... i stole life from my family and other people without realizing it. There is no relief...

We have all made mistakes. That is human nature. That you did not realize it before makes it even more forgivable--especially if you can make an effort to serve others and find ways to help yourself. I have many, many regrets and most of them I completely forgive but there are a few that haunt me periodically. They haunt me because I cannot take back the consequences of my actions (neither can your parents or ancestors) but if I can work towards doing good everyday then I will not add to my regrets and I will eventually start dwelling more on what is good. Keep trying Gasplessy!

[Gasplessy]

I'm sorry, dad... I can't believe it happened and in such a way
I've been so lost and broken lately
What a nightmare... every day i wish i could wake up in forgiven world
I pray in my own silent -yet passive-aggressive - way

Sorry. I've been dull and stupid

[CANDC]

Hi Gasplessy. I am sorry for the loss of your dad.

It is not your fault - this article may be of interest. 5 Tips for Dealing with Guilt

[Gasplessy]

I don't like this and can see it is not ok to write here just to be negative... But i feel so dirty, guilty, almost cruel for the way I destroyed my family

My twenties are an eggshell... I don't know why I couldn't act normally, with balance... I was a destroying machine without fully realizing it

I've been through so much non-sense
University drop-out, changing jobs and losing them, long unemployment periods, never fully grounded, never relaxed and in control. Possible schizophrenia and internet addiction un the middle of my twenties / adult life
I could have been ok, a part of me is normal, patient and I could surely be productive at work
But I... I didn't know how to live(?) I think this is the point


My family was humble and fragile... they were struggling to keep up, to be good...

I can't believe I managed my (and their...) time so poorly. I was unaware, lost my mind

"Face the present!" my not so normal sister screams to me. Yes, I see the point. i'm left with almost nothing. I used to think i would be dead by now
It's complicated, my older sister had more mental problems than me and was absent all the time. I was a lot more caring with her and the family... and still not with myself (and them)
I see I have a life, but it is so hard to wake up in this disaster... nothing more to laugh about it

I've been frozen

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Gasplessy

But i'm left with almost nothing. I see I have a life, but it is so hard to wake up in this disaster... nothing more to laugh about it

I've been frozen because I did not fully know how to behave in order to mantain a normal/healthy life

Are you on any medications for your depression? Or is part of the problem that you can't afford to get help? You do sound deeply depressed.

Yes, the pandemic is limiting and many are suffering. Are you able to go for walks, cook meals, etc. Do you try to help around the house? Could you do the shopping (perhaps your mom could pay but you go or you could go together) just to get out of the house? Sorry things have been so sad for you Gasplessly.