[kerria]

tears. this is the week i can't never get by without the parts that want me to die trying to hurt me/ make it happen.
Please think of some other way i can see what happened.
thank you for anything- any support i know i don't deserve.

my f. who there was p.a. and s.a. went out on his boat this week - it was years ago- the boat he had taken me on when i was a kid. He didn't come back. he drowned but he told me first. we're devastaed because we didn't do anything to stp. we forgot. We just forgot. everything is so much a mess. i remember the phone messages. i was relieved at the funeral and i HATE myself so muc. So many of his friiends told him not to go- in new england- small craft warnings.

This weekend i was going to go camping and there was a plan not to come back. we never went through with it but tried a few years ago a few times. A part always calls 911 and i drink charcoal after an oD - i can never do it. i don't deserve to live like this , Parts of me love him but parts we're releived because of the a. He didn't seserve to die. i can't live with my self.

no one understands because i can't tell anyone. There are so many mixed up feelings - i can never tell my therapist because i can't live with myself. No one can comfort me. parts loved my F. though it was really really wrong. Tears. i'm so so sorry. i can't get through it. We're split into a thousand pieces and none of them are any good.
my dad was 43, a firefighter, a good person outside the home but inside was different.
i wish i did something. He called me repeatedly .i just forgot.
tears,
kerria

[SweetCrusader]

((((((((((safe, warm, comforting hugs to you))))))))))) if you want them. You do deserve support, and you NEED it.

You are not to blame for what happened. I know that doesn't sound right to you, but it is your history of being hurt that tells you that everything is your fault. It is not your fault. He made the decision to do what he did. It was his choice, and you were in no position to be able to stop him. Feeling guilty is a very common response to someone else's suicide, but it truly is not your fault.

You are multiple for a reason. You developed that way to be able to survive- mentally, emotionally, and physically. All the parts of you are important, and their feelings are all valid. All of those conflicting feelings come from somewhere and they are real and necessary reactions to the things that you went through in your life. Even the feelings that hurt. Even the feelings that you and your others think you should not have. You ARE all entitled to them.

Operating as a system, as you KNOW, is very VERY tricky. It's hard to coordinate things and remember everything, and take care of everything that you think you need to take care of. And people inside have conflicting views about what to do in any situation. Things get even more confusing and hard to handle when it's a situation like this one with your f.

I can hear this and not think anything bad about you. I promise I didn't think anything bad at all. All I thought was, this person that wrote this is huring so much and I wish I could be there to give her some comfort. Maybe knowing that I can respond to this with only understanding and love will help you know that your T may very well do the same thing. I think it would be a very good idea for you to talk about this in therapy and let everyone have their say about it. There are a lot of feelings about this, all circling around in you and I'll bet you are feeling the influences of everyone's feelings- not only your own. This wound is VERY deep and it needs to be shared with someone who can be there to help you through.

Please try to hold on to hope. Please try to remember that you can get through and you will not have to hurt this way forever.

And post again if you need to hear more, PLEASE. I am concerned about you.

Angela