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#1
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My best from when I was 5 right the way through to when I left school, committed suicide last year... We were as good as brothers and inseparable for all those years.
It turned out he had to leave home after school because he had problems with his dad, so he went to South Africa, He came to visit once after that. He had changed, he was now taking Ecstacy and becoming a city slicker 'South African'. Anyway, we kept in contact by phone for a while until I decided to come to the UK for a better life. Unfortunately I lost contact with him, in fact last I knew he had moved to Cape Town where he was working in a bar... Anyway, I managed to trace him through the web and got his Phone number and address from his father (who didn't like our bad influence on eachother). I wrote him a letter but never sent it :-( Anyway, 2 years later I hear from his sister that he had killed himself over a girl who left him in a horrible way... I feel terrible about this as his sister went on to say that he was a day away from getting his Visa to come to the UK and that he had asked many questions about my whereabouts and whether she had heard from me... I feel terrible because I know, deep down, that if I had been in contact with him, I probably more than anyone else in the world had a strong enough bond with him, to pull him out of whatever he was going through, and probably would have been able to prevent it from happening... But why didn't they give him my details??? And in hindsight, I should have sent that letter!!! He is my dreams a lot and when he is the next day I feel terrible guilt... Gary
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Delusion or conspiracy? |
#2
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Gary, please don't beat yourself up over your friend's death. I mourn with you too and will keep you in my thoughts.......pat
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#3
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(((((((((((gary)))))))) i wish i knew what to say to you...i lost my best friend a year ago jan..she was 27..i too carry blame..all i can say to you is something i am trying to learn myself..this is not our fault..are you in therapy?? i do know slowly in therapy i am learning different things..and seeing things different..even some of the dreams of her are changing..sometimes i dream of happy memoeries now of the two of us..all i can say i guess is talk to someone who can help you with this..and know your not alone in the feeling you have....
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#4
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(((((((((giri_piri)))))))))))))))
I can't imagine such a loss ![]()
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![]() Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name ~Alanis Morissette |
#5
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Dear Gary,
I know you don't believe it now, but it's not your fault. There are so many "if only I had", or "if only he had"s in our lives. It may indeed, take some counseling to get through this and there is no shame in getting it. A friend whom I'd known since I was very young did the same thing. I had started to stop and see her the day before. I went right by her house, but I decided I would do it another day soon. The next day she drove by my house and waved at me. I was the last person to see her alive. My guilt was so immense. If only I had visited the day before, if only I had visited more often, if only I'd have followed her home that day and visited, if only, if only... I, too had dreams. I dreamt of her for years. She talked to me in the dreams and the next day thoughts of her washed over me. I don't know if sharing this helps you, and if you need to talk, please pm me anytime. You have my sincere condolances for your loss. At this time, please, please take extra care of yourself. Jan
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I still dream and I still hope, therefore I can take what comes today. Jan is in Lothlorien reading 'neath a mallorn tree. My avatar and signature were created for my use only and may not be copied or used by anyone else. |
#6
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*hugs* I feel your pain, I know that feeling you're talking about *HUUUGS*
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#7
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(((((((((((((((((
![]() Your posting reminded (triggered) me of the friends I have lost over the years to suicide. These were people that I connected in a way that you just don't get with "normal people". They has been thru years of therapy/hospitals/etc...therefore, there were no "Head Games" ![]() ![]() ![]() Sadly; I, like you....had that one person who slipped away ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() And remember, as long as that person is in your heart, they are never really dead........ ![]() ((((((((((((sent w/ faith, DayZee)))))))))))))))))
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"DIVERSITY: The art of thinking independently together" ---MS Forbes |
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