[bonaire]

I really want to help my wife quit smoking. Has anyone helped someone quit who isn't working hard themselves to quit?

She had said that after her hysterectomy in late Sept. that she was going to quit smoking. She hasn't changed any of her habbits regarding this.

Our history is that we both smoked when we met (though I had just re-started again) back 15 years ago. Married 11 years now, she's still at it. I had quit in Dec. 1999 and it's been a good experience. I'm on a living healthy kick (it's more than that) since early this year and have lost 40 pounds, dropped 5" on my waste, walk 3 miles most mornings with the dog, eat better, knocked down my cholesterol a bunch and feel like I am 20 years old again (I'm 41).

My intention is to help her live longer - and better - for the next few decades. Her life is limited but is opening up now that the pain of her problematic repro-organs are gone. She's "considering" doing the morning walks with me and she seems to want to eat better. Still has various issues with pain, nausea and similar issues to what she had before the operation.

Her next operation she wants to do is to lower the pain in her upper back and neck - through a breast reduction. She's lost 60 pounds since our 2nd child was born but her breasts didn't make it through the process too well and now she says she has multi-years of bad pain in her neck and back (mentions cervical dystonia).

Is this me just saying "I want a healthy wife!!!!"? Am I selfish in doing so? Is it bad to want more than they have in terms of your partner's health and outlook? Also, my wife also says she'll never stop wanting more out of the people in her life - such as me.

What doesn't help this matter is that my adoptive father died when I was 6 yo due to effects of smoking. I want my wife to make it to her 60th birthday (20 years from now) in a healthy state.

Has anyone worked to help someone really reach their physical potential while pushing aside the main issues they stay in the rut they are in pertaining to the mental health issues that keep them doing old habbits?

She's gone through therapy a couple years ago and says "she's already worked on the big issues of her life".

[wi_fighter]

Having lived with a smoker who started when he was 13 and would go into a panic if he left the house and realized a block later that he forgot his cigarettes, I'd say she's not going to quit until (if) she's ready to quit. One day he just up and quit, didn't even mention it to anyone. Two weeks later I mentioned that he forgot his cigarettes on the nightstand and he said he knew, he stopped two weeks earlier. My reply? "Ohhhh, so that's why you've been so crabby lately."

Turns out he never really quit, he just sneaked them in the basement, when he was outside, out with friends, etc. Now he's back to smoking openly and telling most everyone who doesn't like it to "just deal with it."

Hmmm, what was my point? Oh yeah. Don't push her to quit. She has to decide for herself it's better to live smoke free and have her own reasons. Doing something just to please someone else is never a good idea.

It's good that you're making positive changes for yourself, though. Maybe one of these days it'll click and she'll decide to join you.

[jennie]

#1 no one quits smoking unless they want to quit

I've helped my mother quit smoking. I'd talk and pour my heart out to her. I allowed her to talk about her smoking issues. I gave her a lot of attention, and we did a lot of things together to keep her busy. I'd remind her about her mom's quadruple by-pass surgeries and also her brother's. I'd always say, "think of me when you light your next cigarette." I'd give her many hugs. But all of that, she did the work. I was just someone to help her be accountable.

Stupid me started smoking a few years ago and I quit for my own health reasons. Zyban worked for me!

Now, I'm working on my hubby. I haven't put any guilt trips on him. I haven't poured out my heart. I basically told him Dec. 31th is his last cigarette smoking day. I'm pregnant and he won't be a smoker when the baby's born. I don't know if the ultimatum will work. If not, then I'll be crying and stuff in January until he does quit.

When it comes to addictions, the user is in denial. You've gotta bring reality to her. Talk, cry, hug, support, and do anything to remind her that there are more important things in life than her next drag.