[yellowted]

thought you'd like that one!

[yellowted]

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Mildred was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, 93 year-old Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Travelinglady]

Could we rightly say she was a "fallen woman"?

[yellowted]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. the noise would wake his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. she told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he
was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. the wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. she bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. i think I got most of them back in.'

[beadlady29]

Hi. beads just want to say thanks much to those of you who post such hilarious 'health humor' on this thread.. we know that whenever we is down and need a good laugh we can come to this thread and read it and we will be laughing and feeling gooder in notime. after all, laughter is the best medicine rite!!!!! far almost all ailments!!!!!! thank u so much!
mary sue and all of us beadies

[Travelinglady]

The doctor was busy, and it took hours to check all of his patients. Down to Mr. Smith, the doctor apologized to the old man, saying, "I hope you didn't mind waiting so long."

Mr. Smith said, "It's a shame you didn't see my illness in its early stages."

A doctor called a patient. "Your check came back," he announced.

"So did my bursitis," the patient responded.

[yellowted]

[yellowted]

[yellowted]

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: ” Yes, I can put you right.”
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells:
“You idiot, you gave me a woman’s ears.”
“Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man’s or a woman’s.”
“You’re wrong, I hear everything, but I don’t understand a thing!”

[yellowted]

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”"I know,” said his physician. “I can cure pneumonia.”

[yellowted]

[beadlady29]

Dear Yellowted,
Thank u very much far some humor.................beads needs it midst her cureent struggles....life is toooooooooo serious and stress ful rite now and we know that if we come to this page we will find something to laugh about!!!!!! blessings and peacefull thunkeds sent ur way,
mary sue & all of us beadies

[yellowted]

Originally Posted by beadlady29

Dear Yellowted,
Thank u very much far some humor.................beads needs it midst her cureent struggles....life is toooooooooo serious and stress ful rite now and we know that if we come to this page we will find something to laugh about!!!!!! blessings and peacefull thunkeds sent ur way,
mary sue & all of us beadies

it is my pleasure beadies, humour is all that keeps me going too, if i didn't laugh i'd surely cry, life is sooo difficult that humour is my escape route, so i am very happy to hear it helps you all too x take care x

[Travelinglady]

[yellowted]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[yellowted]

this one is a bit rude, words i don't usually use, but it made me laugh!

One day, a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself."

So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to come, so he fired the pistol.

The next day, he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.

He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my ****, **** in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

[yellowted]

The following quotes are taken from genuine medical records.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began to see me in 1983.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

Discharge status: alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmona edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

[Shiny Things]

A man lays on the examining table, naked and alone. Suddenly, a bunch of animals run into the room and stand in the corner. Then, a black cat attacks the man, scratching and biting till he bled. After that ordeal, a brown dog comes over and bites him too.

Soon, all the animals were all over the patient, rabbits and gerbils biting his ears.

The Dr. Returns when the animals leave.

Man: What was that?
Doc: I ran a CAT scan, did a complete PET scan, now waiting for the LAB report.

[hamster-bamster]

Anesthesia is the surgeon's defense against unsolicited advice from patients.

[Perna]

[Jan1212]

I was taking care of a patient in ortho who just got his leg casts removed after he underwent surgery. He stood up.

His wife said "oh my god, he hasn't been up this straight in years!" referring to his very erect standing up position

[liveforfish]

True story.

I work in health care and am the 1st person our patients talk to before they see the nurse in their homes.

I was talking to this guy and took the basic information, address, etc. The patient asks me if the nurse takes vitals. I tell him if he would like she will. He then requests that the nurse take his temp rectally.

I keep a straight face, trying to sound professional. He then says to me. It's very important that the nurse takes my temp rectally, don't forget, make sure you tell her. This goes on for awhile.

Anyways, I place the request in the chart then call the nurse. I told her I wasn't making this one up.

Then I bust out laughing.

[Jan1212]

^ well as a nurse, I would always look for the patient's "best side"

what's the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer? it's taste!

[eggsinfinitum]

How do you give an oral suppository?

Through pursed lips.

[Travelinglady]

I don't think I've posted this one here:

As the X-ray tech walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows with her former patient, a co-worker nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her, "Wonder what she saw in him?"