[inadequateJellyfish]

big ****in surprise. i never know how im supposed to feel and i can never accurately describe what im feeling to myself and to others. before when i thhought about suicide it was just to end it all, so i can not have to think and worry anymore and because i was sad. i dont want to die, but i do.

So here I am googling about where to purchase cyanide - I must have clicked nearly every link on the first ******* page to no avail. Got annoyed when it became apparent that i wont find this easily and we all know id do it wrong if i were to attempt to make it myself.

But now...thers a new motive. see when i saw the effects cyanide has on the body and the symptoms i became interested and I wanted to take a capsule simply because id like to watch myself suffer and die like that. I'm not sad, im just stressed and done with the crap that im too weak to handle. Now im just interested in seeing the body. I cant get cyanide, so that ruins it. I have backup plans though but i was kind of hoping I'd feel the agonizing symptoms of excessive cyanide exposure.

I just dont know what to do. on one hand i want to tell the people im close to how i really feel..but i dont want to make things awkward, and bother them. i always joke about hating myself, and suicide because thats the only way i know how to get it out. ugh. I'm not sure what to do. I dont even know if im sad or not. I dont know what to do.

[recentdiscovery]

Just call 911, go to the ER, go from there.

The fact that you said "people i'm close to" means that they do care about your health and would rather see you getting help. They wouldn't feel awkward or bothered, they'd be happy to see you do the right thing.

I completely understand your confusion with emotions, I have struggled with that for a very long time. I am getting better slowly with help. You can do it too

[hayleytheherbivore]

The hardest part about dealing with being suicidal is talking about it to people who can take action and help you. On here, we can lend advice and support but you're the one that has to take the initiave to go through with it. Please talk to someone who can be with you to keep you safe until you're in a better place. Either that or go to the ER. I'm not going to talk about the effects of suicide attempts on yourself and your family, as well as the succeeded act itself, as when I was dealing with those thoughts and people told me about it, my mind was already too set on the "prize." Get help before you've made up your mind completely because that's when it's near impossible to turn yourself around. Stress is temporary, it can be FIXED. So is life, don't predetermine your demise before your expiration date.

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