[jazzy123456]

The first thing my dad said in response to a tumor (which at the time I had no idea if it was benign or not)... was "it's your fault. it's probably the way you eat that caused it." Thankfully, it's benign. I have some sort of problem with my eye. The first thing my dad said was.."it's your fault. you probably caused it by wearing your contacts too much."

Okay, he was very angry. This is what I have a hard time understanding...

If my daughter said she had a tumor I would show empathy along with suggestions and options.

Sure, tell me what I can do to change but do not attack or try to put the blame on me so heavily without any facts. For example, we have no idea why my eyes seem infected. I have yet to go to the doctor. So, why is their such harshness in blaming me before we have any results?

A year ago, I went through several illnesses. Now, this has decreased significantly. Is he angry about the past though?

Currently, I let my chronic pain persist and refuse to get help from the chiropractor because of this "blame game" and me realizing my dad shouldn't have to pay for my expenses for health if I'm not doing enough to get well (this is only in reference to the chronic pain).

I have never found the strength to do what I need to do to get well with my chronic pain... at the same time, doctors have yet to find a cause and its been 6 years. How much effort can you make in improving something you have no cause for? Anyways, I choose to stay in pain because I don't do enough to maintain healthier bones and have yet to figure out how to get motivated. And I am assuming my dad doesn't want to just keep paying for it... so i just let myself stay in pain. I do work but my job does not cover certain expenses I need.

Today, I am 24 years old. In the beginning I had no idea why my chronic pain started as a teen. I just was, so a lot of this started before I even understood anything about taking care of myself or why it hurt.

But what hurts more than physical pain is such harsh words from my dad.
I don't understand why he feels the need to first blame me for any and all sicknesses I get.

If I freaking had cancer would his response be... it's your fault? Cus' no matter what sickness comes my way, it's my fault. Why does it have to be entirely anyone's fault? So many factors play in the wellness of who we are. I choose to see myself as someone who needs to do better with health but who is also just human, with natural inconsistencies and problems with sicknesses that everyone experiences in life. Why does a sickness need an element of blame? Can't I just be sick and that be it. Why must any sort of blame game be played at all? I don't get it.

I hurt every day and I forgive myself. What do you think?

[glok]

Hello, jazzy123456. Are you dependent on your father for support? If not, why do you allow him to say theses thing?

[jazzy123456]

He doesn't think what he is saying is wrong. I just graduated from college and had to move back home temporarily. So yes, I do have to depend on my dad for some needs.

I have started a business and I am in the middle of training for a part time job right now and have already started working some but it is not enough to afford certain expenses.

My mom, everyone just accepts him that way because he never thinks what he is saying is wrong. I may actually express things sometimes but this doesn't change whether or not he will choose to say these things. He still will.

[SnakeCharmer]

Congratulations on your recent college graduation. Well done.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, some people did freak out and start looking for ways to blame him, to make it somehow his fault. Cancer is so scary that people look for magic talismans to keep themselves safe. For many people, blame is that magic talisman. If they can find a reason to say you brought your troubles on yourself -- when you didn't -- it makes them feel safer in the world.

Your dad sounds like he's an habitually negative guy. You can't change him. Blame may be his habitual way of dealing with things that scare him. Finding out your kid has a tumor is pretty darn scary. Instead of comforting you, he attacked. That's his shortcoming as a human-being; it's not your fault.

If you have a chronic pain problem, it might scare him more than you think. If he can blame you, it means that in his mind you could get well "if you just did the right thing." That's much less scary to a parent than believing their child has some mysterious disorder that may not respond well to treatments.

It may not make any rational sense at all, but your dad may irrationally believe in some back corner of his mind that his blame will not only motivate you to "do the right thing," but that it somehow protects you from a bad diagnosis, as well as protecting him and the other people he cares about. If he can find blame, then his mind tells him he's found "the cause" and that means that your illness does not represent some unknowable, random event that he can't control.

It's completely irrational, but in an odd way blame comforts people, even if it makes them rage. Blame makes him feel more in control of his life and his family. Who ever said human emotions make sense?

He may also feel frustrated if you know there are things you could do to improve your situation, but you haven't yet found the motivation to do it. He may be one of the people who only know how to express their care and concern in a negative way. Like parents who angrily shout, "Where the hell have you been?" when they feel tremendous relief their missing child has finally come home. It just makes the kid not want to come home at all, but in fact the parents' anger is their way of dealing with overwhelming anxiety.

Maybe your dad is just not a very emotionally aware guy. As long as you have to depend on him for some of your medical care, it may be in your best interest to just accept him the way he is -- slightly defective -- while you put whatever energy you have into taking baby steps toward doing those things that will make you feel better.

I'm glad your tumor was benign. Very scary stuff. Hope your mom was able to give you some support and encouragement while your dad was spouting. Take care.