[MtnTime2896]

I've been "cancer free" for over two years now. I was diagnosed months before turning nineteen and I'm twenty-one now. I'm not sure if it has something more to do with psychology or it's actually physical, but I've been feeling weak again and often lightheaded. I'm more worn down more than usual and yes, it could be a mix of depression and anxiety waging war on me at the same time. I have an appointment with my oncologist the second of May. It will be my first appointment with him in almost two years due to me being so depressed that I just couldn't get myself up to handle it.
I made this appointment because I need to know. There are a couple lumps on the back of my neck, near where the surgeries and radiation took place. One has been there a long time and I don't believe it's anything more than built up tissue. The other one, it's either a swollen node or a tumor. My headaches have changed a bit, as well. All of these things are a cause for concern but they aren't the real reason why I booked the appointment. It's because of something else that makes me sound crazier than I already am.
Whenever I've been around someone, whether they seem healthy or not, I get this feeling in my gut that they're going to pass away soon and sure enough, they die. Call it intuition or whatever, but I literally feel like it will be the last time I see them and it's like I feel that person being taken away from me and then they're just gone. Well, lately it's not that they're being taken away from me. I'm being taken away from them and I can't stop thinking these thoughts of, "I really hope they can get through this."
I was told that if it came back (Melanoma stage 3b) then I would simply be fighting for time, not a cure. I was also instructed to expect re-occurrence -- if it were to occur -- in the brain, lungs and/or pancreas. Honestly, this could all be my psyche working against me, especially considering voices are telling me that I'm going to die.

I don't know why I had to write all of this down on here and I don't know what to ask anyone who reads this. I just thought I'd document, I guess. Also to document that, if it is back, at this stage in my life I'm not sure I care to fight it again. I've fought too much and I want to be done. "Guess I'm not the fighting kind" -Keane, 'A Bad Dream'.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs...I hope it's not cancer. One thought--did the fatigue start fairly recently? because that sounds a lot like the symptoms when I had mono in college. Including swelling of the lymph nodes on the back of my neck. Is your throat sore/swollen at all? The sore throat and intense fatigue were my biggest symptoms of it. It can be diagnosed by blood test.
That's good you're seeing your oncologist soon. Please be sure to go to the appointment, even if you're scared.

We all hope you are wrong. Waiting to find out must be excruciating. You are the type that probably doesn't want to talk about it to your bf, friends and family IRL until you find out for sure. Keep posting about it hear. We want to listen. So many of us at PC really love you.....

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

We all hope you are wrong. Waiting to find out must be excruciating. You are the type that probably doesn't want to talk about it to your bf, friends and family IRL until you find out for sure. Keep posting about it hear. We want to listen. So many of us at PC really love you.....

[shezbut]

I am sorry that you're experiencing weakness and fatigue, reminding you of your battle with cancer 2 years ago.

I hope that your suspicion is wrong. You are in my thoughts.

[MtnTime2896]

Hoping, you're right on that one. I can't talk to people without knowing. I don't want to scare anyone for no reason.

Lonesome, last time I went through this and times that followed, doctors have tested me for mono. I always came up clean on that test. I can't easily judge based off my throat's soreness because that's where my cancer found, my throat. I do hope it's something like mono, though.

Thanks shezbut and Fuzzy.

I'll update as I find out more. Appreciate all of you being here for me.

[*Laurie*]

Hi So leigheas, How are you?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Hi So leigheas, How are you?

Still feeling crappy but I couldn't tell you if it's all psychiatric or physical. My appointment is May 2nd, so I'm just anxiously waiting 'til then. I'm having a lot of tension headaches and migraines, so I guess I'm pretty stressed out. Go figure

I'm hanging in there, though. Thanks for checking in on me Laurie.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Still feeling crappy but I couldn't tell you if it's all psychiatric or physical. My appointment is May 2nd, so I'm just anxiously waiting 'til then. I'm having a lot of tension headaches and migraines, so I guess I'm pretty stressed out. Go figure

I'm hanging in there, though. Thanks for checking in on me Laurie.

You're in my loving thoughts and prayers