Anyone else have.....

an almost 14 year old teenage daughter????????????

Theres nothing like it. I've heard over and over about how "they" change when the big 13 hits: I hemmed and hawed. Yeah right, my daughter is nice, sweet, kind, and generous.

Then, she hit 13 in February and all HE_ _ broke loose. The lying, disrespect, rudeness...oh, its just way too much. Perhaps its especially hard since I am the primary caregiver and have virtually no emotional support (except my T). I never thought I would have to keep her so close, and be so invasive of her privacy. I don't like being this way, but I absolutely have to. After all, I am her parent, right????????????

These are hard times for young teenage girls...........and their Mommies

lying, disrespect, rudeness

To cover up anxiety of growing up, perhaps?

Best Advice I can give as a mother that has been there is to......

HANG in There "this too shall pass"

(and)

Offer "your child" Unconditional Love & Acceptance "at all cost"

.......... your daughter will return - - as a beautiful young lady (i promise)

Thanks Pachy and Rhap!

I know, I know....we all went through it as teenagers, right??? It just hurts me so with the bold-faced lies, and the "shut ups"...Uughh...perhaps reciting the serenity prayer a gazillion times for the next several years might help........

I want my baby girl back

I agree, this will pass. They have all those hormones running around, they don't know if they're happy, sad, or angry from one minute to the next. Suddenly they've become the first teenager in history and think you don't understand what they're going through.

I remained very very close to my mom until the past year or so. Funny thing back then I'd joke and tell her that I'd be arguing over the phone with her while I was in college.

Looks like I was a few years short. Oops.

A long walk in the woods behind my house helped me to unwind when one of the kids got under my skin - nature is a good sedative.

My oldest daughter will be 12 at the end of this month and already she's starting to have the teenager attitude. I also miss that little girl attitude when things seemed so simple. I know there's some good books for mom's who have daughters in the teen years. I think I'll make a trip to the book store.

You know what really irritates me to no end - in grade 6 they were already talking about who's going out with who - at 11yrs old!!! It's very scary to hear the language they use. The drama that goes on at school reminds me of soap opera's. I'm going through the same thing. Best of luck

wow, you're pretty lucky the school drama started at middle school that stuff started back in elementary school here. Nothing to strip away an 8 year old's childishness like saying she'll pretty much die alone because she's ugly.

...city schools are rough, I'd never want my kids going to one.

OMG Lynn! Here, in small town USA, two SIXTH graders got in trouble for having sex (actual intercourse) on the school bus.

That's incredibly shocking AAAAA. I don't know why things are so different compared to when I went to school. There was never anything like that happening when I was in grade 6. I didn't even know about sex. I have had the talk with my daughter and told her she can talk to me about anything. Right now she's in grade 7 and if a girl talks to a boy - the other kids start saying "you're going out with each other".

My daughter was friends with a boy in her karate class and he was always inviting her places. She kept reminding him they were just friends. At the beginning of the school year he started the same school as her and his dad asked for him to be in my daughters class. He was always hanging around her and other kids were razzing her because he was bragging she was his girlfriend. When she kept denying it, he became angry and started bullying her and cyber bullying her. Luckily he finally stopped. It's awful for kids these days in school - all the drama and fickle friendships. Thanks for the reality AAAAA

^^^^^
I meant to say "thanks for the reality CHECK " in the above post.

LOL I didn't even realize the typo. Some realities I wish I didn't know.

I've spent 24 years teaching teenagers, 15 with middle schoolers. The biggest mistake I see parents make is nagging their teenagers to death. You have to pick your battles carefully. Is this really worth fighting about? A lot of it isn't. Kids do need boundaries and they need to learn to respect boundaries, but allow them some space. Not enough to hang themselves with, but enough to explore their teenagerness. Try not to micromanage them. Treat them with respect and believe it or not, you'll get respect back. Yell at them, hover over them, lecture them, and you've lost the battle. Learn to talk to them; it's different than when they were in elementary school. They need consequences, but they need to logical, natural consequences. Fairness is BIG on a teenagers list.

I will have to say sons are the same - he has just about broken my heart with some of the stuff coming out of his mouth - so it is not a girls only problem -
teen is the key word I believe

I have a wonderful relationship with my now 20 year old son, I spoke to him rather than shouted, I asked rather than told and ignored some of the door slamming and the 'its not fair' comments.

I have a 19 year old son with issues and it was a totally different ball game with him.

Girls are soooo difficult at this age! I have 1 daughter and she disappeared from age 13-18. The kid I was left with during those years was a stranger. However, we both managed to wade through all the muck and come out the other side. I am happy to say that she is a lovely, responsible, and loving daughter today. The best advice I can give to help weather these difficult years is to always leave the door open for communication. No matter what, she needs to know she can ALWAYS come to you. I promise it will be the best thing you can do as a parent. blessings and good luck!

Alrightie then...

Thanks all for your thoughtful and ingenious responses. Its wonderful to know there are so many of us out there.

I received her interims yesterday, issued 6 weeks before the report cards. Her grades range from lowest ...39%....to highest....52%. It aint looking good boys and girls..nope.

She went from honor roll and above the past 7 years to probably having to repeat 8th grade again.

Can I say..DOUBLE UUGHHHH

I don't have kids (only 19) but even at my high-school, we had plenty of this going around. Anything ranging from attempted suicides off the school roof (for reasons that made no sense to anyone) to stinkbombs to a teacher being fired (for reasons we suspected because he was very odd when around kids) to teachers who had no degree in what they were teaching (had a BSc in psychology yet taught accounting and economics even though the book contradicted her half the time), etc... .

MyBestKids2, regarding the grades, I sometimes really hated focusing on it. It wasn't because they were low, it was the other way around and got on honours roll every year. My school was emphasizing to my parents to skip me grades (only got skipped 1 grade) and put me in higher math levels. The school was so-so and instead my parents put me in this separate Kumon thing, along with school. I ended up doing mathematics at least 2 grades higher than ours and I hated it. Part of the reason was I go to ask my teacher something and she says we'll learn it next year. I tell her I'm in the Kumon thing, I'm doing it now and I wanted some clarification but nothing happened. My parents knew this and so did the teacher but oh well. At least now, I've done courses in 2nd year statistics (didn't need to do 1st year stats), teach myself some abstract algebra, etc... .

Happily, in high-school, I found some smart friends and we went (by that, I mean a hell of a lot of nagging over and over by the math teacher) to enter math competitions with other schools around the province and country. We didn't do amazingly well, I think in the top 5 one year due to an amazingly talented kid but the rest was in the top 10 or below out of 100+ schools.

Try to help her out if you want or try to use something like Kumon or similar tutors. Sometimes it's the method of teaching that she isn't good with. For myself, I'm amazing at memorizing, which makes memorizing pages of human anatomy pretty easy. When it comes to applying it, such as for math, I take a different approach but it works also. For English, well, I'm sort of screwed and get mid to low 70%. For math, memorizing it isn't great and instead I teach it to myself differently and it works. Perhaps try giving her alternate ways to learn.

But try some tutors for your daughter and see if she is working to her max. potential. She may just not care and not try all that hard. When she gets a poor grade, that creates the circle and she becomes sad, knows she's disappointing you but doesn't know what to do. Or it could be she truly doesn't understand the material.

I had a work friend in my 20s who is African American who told me her story of being overweight in sixth grade (inner city school) and had a note, pinned to her blouse, to her mother asking was she pregnant!

How is it going now, MyBest? Have you all talked about her low grades and repeating 8th? Does she say anything at all about what's going on with her?

I'd say it is time to take over her life. She won't like it, but that's the consequence for lousy grades.

Insist that a planner be filled out every day in every class. I would insist that she have each teacher sign the planner to verify that what she has written is accurate. Check the planner each night. Check that homework is completed each night. (No, don't sit and hold her hand.) Set up consequences. No planner filled out and signed, no phone, no computer, no life. Refuses to do homework. Ditto.

Do NOT let up on this. Do NOT compromise.

I have to do this with my 14 year old ADHD son. He's gotten used to it. His grades are back up. His study skills have improved. Am I going to stop doing this? Not this year. Next year he'll start on his own and he knows what is in store if he doesn't take care of his business.

My oldest, now 20, went through the same stage. Once he hit high school, we never had to intervene again. He knew what he had to do to keep me out of his school life. He took care of his business.

It may seem harsh, but as a teacher, I welcome parents who hold the line on responsibility. I've even had parents show up to school without telling their kid and go through the day with their student. (Of course they let the teachers know they were going to do this ahead of time.)

I'm not saying my kids make all A's. In fact, I've never insisted on that. However, there is absolutely no reason to be failing classes unless there is a real academic issue going on (which has never been the case for my kids and it doesn't sound like that's the issue here either.) Passing classes is simply their responsibility.

you gots me dee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥♥ call me anytime day or night u gots my number!!!!!

((((((((((((((((MyBestKids2))))))))))))))))))) The teens are tough for sure, on parents and on the children. Does your daughter talk to you about things? While some things are pretty normal for children to go through at this age, it can also be a result of some stuff going on in her life (or past stuff).

When my daughter was younger, I just had to make a decision to love whoever came down the stairs, no matter what. Some days were tough, but now we are best friends. My son, on the other hand, had some deeper issues and some stuff stemmed from previous events in his life that I didn't know about.

My advice would be to try to be open and neutral if daughter ever comes to talk to you. Just listening and/or being open to listening (body language as well as words) can be a key to help your daughter through this time.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

I was going to post and then I read your reply. I have to agree with you about choosing your battles with your kids. No one and not even a therapists has ever said this to me. My old therapists was all about rules and consequenses. As a parent it is very hard to know where to draw the line.

Sorry it took me so long to get back again!

All of the replies have been very thoughtful, and I appreciate it. I have taken the "pick your battle" stance, and it seems to be working. I have stepped back on the massive emails between me and the teachers. The teachers are very kind, and have taken alot of time for my daughter and I. She's turning the corner, slowly but surely. I've noticed some very minute positives, but hey its a good thing!

Report cards on the 11th, yipee! She's made sure to remind me a gazillion times that her 14th birthday on the 10th and report cards on the 11th should not be confused, LOL!!

Thanks all, you're the bestest!

Dee