[Shangrala]

This is not a question of crucial importance, as I already know how to deal with this, and AM dealing with it quite successfully.
My question is more along the line of just my curiosity of all the various parental opinions out there and if my approach is shared with other parents.
(Okay, maybe it's more along the line of a poll...lol...tho I'm usually not one for those).

If you discovered that your healthy, (emotionally and physically), early teen son/daughter believes they are either bi or homo sexual, how would you feel about it? And how would you deal with it?

Thoughts and opinions are very much encouraged.

Thankies~

Shangrala

[youOme]

I would be concerned at first, because I don't believe some one so young can truly understand their sexuality.... BUT, I would accept it and help them through it. Listen when they talk about it...ya know. Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally.

[lavidika84]

I would be perfectly fine with it, and would allow them to safely explore their curiousity. I have 2 children (4 and 6) and have been in a committed homosexual relationship for the past 2 years. I do not see anything wrong with being like that, because in my opinion you can not help who you fall in love with. I personally don't look at a person's sex when determining if I like them or not, I look more at who they are as a person, and how they make me feel about myself. You can't discouragethem or scold them on the issue because of your own beliefs, this will most likely cause the child to rebell and go against waht you prefer for them just to spite you.

[salukigirl]

I think as long as they're happy you really can't be mad at anything. I think the main thing I would be concerned with wouldn't be their preference but that they are being safe. My mother wouldn't buy me birth control so I had to go out (at 16) and go to the obgyn and get it myself. And I don't think a lot of girls in their teens would do that. So I would be more concerned that they are being safe about it. I think most everyone goes through a stage of being confused about something dealing with sexuality and its best to allow them to be open about it. Making them feel guilty about it only causes problems later on down the road.

[Perna]

I don't know that my early teens were dating or having much "experience" with sexuality at that age? Puberty is just starting and all sorts of hormones and changes are going on. I guess I'd discuss it with them, where their thinking was coming from, etc. But I wouldn't particularly worry about it until they were older teens and choosing who to hang with on their own (could drive or go out with others with vehicles, etc.). I wouldn't do much different one way or another at that age, would kind of wait to see what developed over time.

It reminds me a little of cousins/nieces/daughters, etc. who have gone through a vegetarian "phase" after reading Charlotte's Web or have tried different eating habits, etc.

[Rhapsody]

I told my sons I would love them no matter what - and in my book I think acceptance of all is more important than love.
... but love is a close second.

[Phoenix1985]

I would accept it and support them, but being so young I would also encourage them to not rule out the opposite gender if they believed they were homosexual unless they were dead set certain.

I'm not sure this came out saying what I intend it to, but hopefully it does.

[AShadow721]

I would completely accept it. I want my kids to be who they are. And if I were to discourage it (I wouldn't anyway because I am not straight myself), they would not feel free to be themselves. They may try to lie to themselves about their sexuality to please me, and end up not happy. Anyway why should anyone care like that about their child's sex life (if it's not dangerous). Personally, I don't want to know.

[AShadow721]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't know that my early teens were dating or having much "experience" with sexuality at that age? Puberty is just starting and all sorts of hormones and changes are going on. I guess I'd discuss it with them, where their thinking was coming from, etc. But I wouldn't particularly worry about it until they were older teens and choosing who to hang with on their own (could drive or go out with others with vehicles, etc.). I wouldn't do much different one way or another at that age, would kind of wait to see what developed over time.

It reminds me a little of cousins/nieces/daughters, etc. who have gone through a vegetarian "phase" after reading Charlotte's Web or have tried different eating habits, etc.

You don't have to have "experience" in that area to know you are gay or bi or in between. Now, I can look back and realize I knew as far back as fourth grade that I was gay. Kids can tell by their attraction, crushes, the way they feel about their friends, etc.

[Ascension]

I would deal with it the same way I do with any teenager. Ask them to be mindful of who they are engaging with on a deep emotional level and why. To truly try to think about the experience and how much it really does change relational and emotional dynamics. That being curious is okay but try not give in to whims, but to contemplate and respond appropriately. I think that the emotional maturity of most teenagers is not developed enough to be engaged in those activities. That investing, that much of your self into another, is dangerous because it stunts your own personal growth when you start doing things that maybe you aren't confident about because you are curious or confused. I know it's easier said then done but I think it needs to be talked about. That being said I support my child's happiness over all. I just hope they don't confuse physical happiness for spiritual and emotional happiness.

[Hearty]

Originally Posted by Shangrala

...If you discovered that your healthy, (emotionally and physically), early teen son/daughter believes they are either bi or homo sexual, how would you feel about it? And how would you deal with it?

I would be more concerned about what kind of person they are...honest, caring, and respectful of themselves and others. I don't think I would treat them any differently b/c their sexual orientation is one way or another.

What's important to me is that they live their lives being true to who they are while thoughtfully processing their own journeys. Regardless of their orientation, I would be there for them with guidance, acceptance, unconditional love, and the usual worrying and nagging that come with being a parent.

[daytimedreamer]

I've known that I am bisexual since I was 10 or 11 years old. Puberty is happening earlier and earlier, so I think people have to be prepared to face these issues sooner than they'd like, perhaps. It would be hypocritical of me to treat my child differently based on what I've said already, so my opinion on this topic should be pretty obvious.

[tryingtobeme]

I think early teenage years can be very confusing for kids. However, if this happened with my child, I would certainly except them no matter what. Sexuality is very confusing for even adults some time. I think standing by your children and letting them safely explore their sexuality is the best thing to do. I would certainly encourage my children to talk with me about it. If not me then some other adult that you and they trust, pdoc, family doc, school counselors...etc.

[loveregardless]

My son is only 7 months old, so I haven't had to deal with anything even remotely like this yet, and won't for a long while. However, I would have an issue with the "sexual" aspect of the situation, same sex or otherwise. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the issue of sex when it comes up for our family, but the thought certainly makes me nervous.

It doesn't matter to me whether or not my son ends up heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. I just want to be able to guide him in the right direction when it comes to sex at all. I was very promiscuous as a teenager and the thoughts of my children going through what I went through, flat out scares me.

It's late, and I'm babbling, but basically. As long as my child is healthy and happy, if they find love in their life, no matter who for, I will be happy for them. But, I'd really prefer that they keep the sexual exploration to a minimum until they're a bit older and have a better idea of who they are, and hope that they don't end up using (or feel they have a need to do so) sex as a way to get attention, and what they mistake for love.

And for the record, I'm bisexual. But have only ever had romantic relationships with men.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by Shangrala

If you discovered that your healthy, (emotionally and physically), early teen son/daughter believes they are either bi or homo sexual, how would you feel about it? And how would you deal with it?

Shangrala

Well first my son is not completely healthy in that he is bipolar, ADHD and his father was violent towards me but... when my son was midteens he told me he was bicurious. I talked to him about sex the same way I would have if he had said he was straight - always use condoms, don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do, et cetera. His biological father was not so nice though. He told my son he would rather he be a murderer than gay and he wished my son would be raped in jail so he could "learn" better than being gay. He totally sucks as a father.

My son is now twenty y/o and has had his first intimate relationship (girl) and is now not in a relationship. I hope someday he has children but whatever he does I hope he is happy.

[(JD)]

Well, no, I wouldn't just accept it.
Early teenagers don't have a clue about what their bodies are doing, and how they're making them feel, for one thing. They go through all sorts of fears and emotions and the like in the course of maturing.
I think peer talk and the overwhelming emphasis on homosexuality causes teens to grip onto it, like all teens do with any fad. (We all did, remember?)

I would address it as a side issue, not with any upset or excitement. I'd make sure to give him a book, even if from the library, on the human body and how boys grow and mature and the likes of what goes on with the hormones and the brain and such.
I'd tell him he has plenty of time to determine what he wishes to be as an adult, in the future.
I would accept him, and his fears and anxieties, but I wouldn't accept the idea as fact that already he's homosexual.

[catrules]

My son is only two years old, buy hubby and I have spent a lot of time talking about how we want to raise him. It is our intention to do better than what was done to us. Acceptance of other people and of himself is one of the most important values that I want to instill in him. I want him to grow up healthy both emotionally and physically, I want him to be honest and compassionate and kind. I think that he would be able to do that whether he is gay or not.

I have a number of gay/lesbian/bi friends, and as a psychologist who analyzes everything, I can tell you that I have some friends in healthy relationships and some who are not. Much of it seems to have to do with the level of acceptance they felt when they finally came out to family and friends. I want a healthy sexual development in my child in whatever form that may take. And I am hoping for a society who does not marginalize homosexuals the way that they are now, if that is the direction that his attraction takes him.

There were many comments made about children not knowing what they want at this point in time, but I am pretty sure that most kids by 14 or 15 are aware of who they are attracted to. When I was in fifth grade, I had a total crush on a boy named Billy. I never thought to be attracted to Suzie, because I am not gay, but I did know who made my little heart flutter. If we write off a child's announcement of liking same sex partners, then we also have to accept that a 15 year old who is in love with an opposite sex partner also does not know what they want and may be gay.

My parents were engaged at 17 and 19, and married a year later. I daresay that if they did not know what they wanted, they would not still be married 37 years later. The friends I have who are in the healthiest and stable same sex relationships, came out early, and were able to explore that in their teens like their straight peers. This means that as they entered adulthood, they had already been in a few relationships, and had a better idea of what to look for.

As a parent, I would worry about my son if he announced that he was gay. Not because I do not accept it, but because I know the challenges, hatred and persecution he may face. And I will love him through it, but don't want him to experience that kind of pain.