Regaining Custody

My sister took guardianship of my son when he was 4 yo; he is seven now. My husband and I are fighting hard to get him back (the request was granted because I was in + out of psych hosp. and my husband has an erratic work schedule). When we visit (supervised by my sister ) he is usually engaged with us. But last week we had plan on watching a movie together so I didn't bring the playdough we enjoy together, he got upset and went running to my sister for comfort. I know when I went into the hospital he must have felt abandoned by me; now it seems any slight disappointment is like he is feeling that all over again- I can't really talk to him about it because my sister is there and she tells me what he is feeling- or worse! she tells me (with him there) that he doesn't feel that way! We both grew up in the same bad family where feelings weren't expressed and talked about- it was put on a happy face and ignore the feeling. I don't want to raise my son this way. Anybody have experience with a child coming back into the home after being away?? I want to make the transition as easy as possible- but there is so much that I do different from my sister- how much is too much to change all @ the same time?? Any input would be great!! :

I had lost my child for A few yrs. the best advise I have when dealing with children and up rooting thier world is to see if family therapy is a possibility. children seem to do good with t's specialized with children{play therapist}seem to earn kids trust. A good one will speak to all parties sererate for while before joinin parent and child sessions together. if this is not A possibility plz try to remember that your son has only really known you sister for comfort and if he not ready for this big of A move it could be harmful to him to have his world turned up side down. the key is he needs to find A outside person that he can talk to about how this all makes him feel and what he wants and expects. as for the rule changes I guess depends on the differences ...has your son turned into A good nice respectful young boy with your sisters rules? if he is A good kid and headed in right direction you should consider if your rules,new to him,is the way to go. just remember hes got A full plate choose your battles

Thanks so much for your input. The Parent /teacher meeting did let us know that his sweet, caring personality is still there. Our big concern is how he treats family members- my sister tends to 'order' her husband around- I see my son doing the same thing to my sister's husband. Our family is very christian oriented, I am my husband's helper, I show him respect in all ways, I teach the children to do the same, rudeness is NOT tolerated. This very minute by minute actions on his part we do need to address quickly. I believe that if my sister were not looming over us all the time he would come to me for comfort- I have seen glimpses of it. We do plan on getting therapy for him- both my husband and I see our own. Mine does work with children as well. So much to do trial and error, but I do rely on God in all areas, I know he will get my son through this transition.

Is therapy an option? For everyone involved? I truly hope for your child's sake that everyone can put their differences aside and make this transition as easy as possible for your son. In the meantime can you talk to your sister privately about the important issues? As Gem pointed out, you must pick your battles. If it were me, I'd bite my tongue and say to my sister "I will never be able to thank you for all you've done for my son in his time of need. I'd like him to learn to express how he's feeling, will you please encourage him to verbalize how he's feeling."

Please remember that although your love for him hasn't changed at all, he's so young that he's had to adapt and your sister has taken on the maternal role. I'm sure he didn't establish that relationship with her overnight, and it'll take time, patience and a whole lot of love to re-establish it with you.

Ideally, this will all be supervised by a professional that will advise you all every step of the way. I'd also suggest you remember sometimes an apple is just an apple. Children that age rarely respond to disappointment well. Meaning that although you thought the plan was to watch a movie, he might have had a different one. Just because he's upset that he didn't get to do the activity he had in mind, doesn't mean that he's feeling abandoned.

I wish all of you wisdom and patience for this very long road.

Therapy is a plan. With the way the courts are once we get him back I believe the GAL will have to do checks periodically for a period of time. I did speak with both my t and psych doc; I asked if they had ANY doubts or concerns about my ability to care for my son in a safe caring home, they both said they have NO reservations- I know this will go a long way in getting him back- now I just need to get the GAL moving. I plan on petitioning the court for an unsupervised visit in addition to the two supervised visits we have currently. I also will ask that we get a phone call any day we don't see him. I know my sister will object, but it brings us all back into court and the GAL will have to account for where her investigation is at- it seems if I don't push, nothing happens.

If I may ask, what is your sister's opinion?

Yeah I agree why would she object to you phoning him ? Why would she object to you getting him back if that is the case.

As a side note.....

I know someone who was in your sisters position they had custody of her brothers son for several years for whatever reasons I wont go into.

When the brother wanted his son back he was a young teen, the sister who had been a mother to the lad was devastated at the thought of losing her 'son' she had no other children and had fallen in love with this child.

The lad went to his father and the sister sees him sometimes but not often as the father really doesn't want it. Its a heartbreaking situation as the sister was good enough to look after the son for some years but now has nothing.

Sad all round I feel.

As an aunt who adopted her neices and had her nephew and a former foster kid and such I have very big concerns about this. I think that living with the same person since you were four the person who is your whole world your emotional support your secure base and being taken from that is very big. I think that if this is what you feel is in his best interest over all in the long run you must take it very very very very very slow. Visits that gradully increase over time. No matter what you feel about your sister it doesnt matter what matters is how your son feels about her. Ripping him out to soon will leave a lifelong scar. I can tell you about those if you want. Like fearing attachement being afraid of any type of seperation...not trusting people. I cant stress enough it has to be slowly. Why not share custody for now? Why not do it like that? This is a seven year old baby. I know that he is yours and so on but he didnt do this you did and neither did your sister. Its done and I am glad your better but now its time to really focus on whats best for your son.
Not saying you should not have him back if thats whats best for him but what I am saying is that it needs to always be focusing on your son not what you dont like about your sister or what your sister doesnt like about you.
Also maybe having some empathy for your sister also. She has taken care of this child for three years. She has loved him and treated him as her own. She is attached to him which is good, for your son. I can speak from my heart and say that I love my neices and my nephew as if I had given birth to them. Your sister is probably afraid now. WHy shoudlnt she be? She loves this child. You have to have empathy for every one in this this is your mess you made (not to be mean but truth ((HUGS))) so slow down take a deep breath. Look at things from you babies point of view. Talk to alot of child attachment therapists. Dont wait until heis moved to find a therapist. Let him start now. You have to do this so that the damage is minimal. You have to focus on your son. Right now your sister is his comfort his secure base no matter how much you hurt be thankful he has that. Alot of kid get put in foster care and they really get screwed up as they dont have that secure attachement. Be grateful and thoughtful to your sister. No reason to rush this. Really examine and think if this is the best for your son also. Ok ((HUGS)) hey pm if you want I can give you my email and I can help. ((HUGS))

My sister does not share her opinion with us. We only see her when my son is there, so we can't really talk about it. As for phone calls- Ever since I first had to go in the hospital I have tried to speak to him on the phone (with my tx providers blessing) My sister has NOT ONCE let me speak to him- in over 3 years!! As far as the transfer goes- My husband and I will fight until it happens! We have spoken to numerous people about this, the initial separation was fairly abrupt, but my husband saw him every other day or so the whole time, so there wasn't a severing from him. The people I talked to say to move him quickly- 30 days for full transfer. Visits will happen, but they will be very limited (much like my sister made happen ). As I am sure that she loves him dearly- GOD gave him to me, she never had children of her own, she can't just take mine and not expect a fight. We would have resolved this quicker, but thought we needed a lawyer(that we couldn't afford). When we first realized that the word 'temporary' was left out of what we signed, we tried to appeal- but it was over 30 days so we couldn't. We paid a lawyer much$$ to try to get it turned around- the judge (who stated @ the first hearing that he didn't deal with custody issues or know about mental illness) said "your family- work it out". It took us another year to get another hearing with a new judge! The court system is what is moving so slowly- we petitioned in Feb '09 for a GAL, the hearing was May! She was given 60 days, filed for more time- which was granted 30 days after she was to be done to start with. When granted more time no 'due date' was stated- it has been now more than 120 days (2X the time originally stated). She hasn't even contacted our character refs or tx providers!! I have left many phone messages clearly stating my concern over the time line- the more he stays there the harder it will be to transition back! I do plan on going ahead with the petition after the first of the year, my sister won't answer the phone when I call, I believe that DAILY contact needs to happen asap!

Thanks so much for everyone's input!

wow..........

Again, I hope for the very best outcome for your son and pray that the adults remain mature through all of this and keep his best interest in mind at all times.

Personally the thing with the phone is just plain out wrong. I think that you should try to get some one on one time with your sister. If your calling to talk to your son, and she won't let you talk to him that is just wrong. It sounds like your only seeing him because it's court ordered. I don't know if you live in the states. If you do, I would get a lawyer, or a different lawyer. I'm not saying you just take him from her, because that will hurt him. There just needs to be something going on where he can feel safe with you. Unfortunately all this battleing hurts the child. I would try talking to your sister first, and see if the 2 of you can resolve some of these issues. If not your going to need to just keep fighting. I wish you the best.

I don't have a lawyer (I am in the states) , We can't afford one. We have had two over the past couple of years- but after over $10,000 paid out for two hearings, which both times we lost- we went 'pro-se' (on our own). We were successful then- we got the court ordered visits (which is why my sister has to show up, otherwise she would cancel frequently) and we got the GAL. All we can do is keep petitioning the court (it costs us nothing) every step of the way. I have plans to write up a new petition about an unsupervised visit and the phone calls. I am also going to ask my pdoc;t;and MD to write up a letter in support of the petition- it will give the GAL a taste of what the 'expert opinions' are- they all support me in getting him back and have no reservations. Thanks to all for the info and concern.

one thing that hits my mind is to transition him back to you you need to have some overnight or weekend visits to get him use to you again. dont just take him all at one time. he was young and still is so it needs to go slowly. talk to the people at cps about it. I am sure they will help you on that. they are there to help reunite families! good luck hon.

I would try to pity your sister and be thankful to her as well as your son could of ended up in care.....

If you try to keep communication with her open then your son wont suffer at all.

I truly wish you well in this as I know how I would feel parted from one of my children.

Just don't give up. One day he will thank you for this. If your sister won't speak to you, try sending her a letter. She might be afraid that she will never see your son again. (my bf has went threw something similar) She could need some reasurance. I would tell her that it's not your plan to just keep your son out of her life.
There might be legal aid in your area. Have you tried that?
Anyways sooner or later everything will work out. I know it's hard. Do your best to stay positive about it.