my children

Hi! Glad I found this forum. I am just at my wits end. I have a 1 y/o, a 3 y/o, and an 11 y/o. All boys and they are driving me nuts!! Its not a far ride for me as it is. Is there somewhere you can ship your kids off for a week? The young ones for sure. The 11 y/o is my baby boy and does no wrong. But he has been lying here lately. And stole from my father-in-law and an ipod from his real dad. Then the 3 y/o has been through foster homes and bounced around and is a terror. He has tantrums every day just trying to get him dressed. It takes us an hour to get him out the door. It takes the rest of the house only 20 minutes. Then he spits kicks and hits me if I dont give him his way. I love him dearly but he his my husbands baby boy. He does no wrong. Then we have Christian who just turned 1 y/o and is constantly into something. You have to keep an eagle eye on him or he is eating anything and everything he can find. I just need a freaking BREAK PLEASE!! I love them all so much but I dont know how much whining fighting bickering hitting kicking eating (the baby of course) I can take!!!! Does this make me a bad mother?

You can't "ship off" your children unless there is a close relative who is willing to help you out for a few days. You have to deal with them. That's parenting. If you are needing some parenting classes, I'm sure you can find some nearby. I'm sure the two youngest are a handful, as are most 1 and 3 year olds. Patience and consistency are what is needed when handling toddlers. What does your husband say about the situation?

farmergirl, I was being sarcastic when I say I want to ship them off. In fact when I went away on business for 5 days I was beside myself with anxiety from being away from my children. My favorite time of the day is home with my kids. But here lately my nerves have been worn thin and my anxiety is up and I just wish they would quit fighting and just get along for a few days. Just one or two days and I will be ready to deal with it again. I know thats not going to happen so I will just continue to enjoy my peace and quiet once their asleep. I was just looking for someone who understood.

((kadesgirl)) -yes you have your hands full for sure. Lets start with your 1 yr old - at this age it's a matter of keeping him out of trouble and child proofing your home. Your 11 yr old should be taking some responsibility at his age - meaning instead of him fighting with his siblings he's helping out. He may be feeling lost in all the chaos and that's why he's acting out. You can discipline him by taking away priveleges - computer, video games, ipod and going outside(grounding). Hopefully in the summer you can afford a day camp for the 11 yr old perhaps.

With the 3 yr old, use consistent time outs. With getting dressed he's old enough to participate in making choices. Have his clothes matched up - ex. pants/shorts with matching shirts all ready on the same hanger. Make it sound exciting and tell him, he can chose what he wants to wear and dress himself - then give him a reward for doing this on his own. When kids feel they have a choice, they cooperate better. You can also use a reward system with them -for the 3 yr old it might be stickers or a dollar store toy. Get a huge calendar and put up stickers for good behavior - so many stickers add up to a reward - make it fun. Same thing with 11 yr old except he would get rewards appropriate for his age. Give him some chores and responsibilities and an allowance for doing them.

Make sure they have access to healthy snacks. Tired and hungry kids misbehave. Good parenting is the most difficult job in the world but also the most rewarding. Play interactive games(like board games with them). Take some time outs for yourself - call it mommy time for 30 min. At the right time set the timer for 30 while you sit and relax -do some deep breathing.

If you have a friend or trustworthy relative - make a trade with them. They watch your kids and next you watch their children for the day. Get them out to the park for some exercise and bring snacks. Best of luck.

sorry I really shouldnt have posted; I just needed to vent. And I have taken parenting classes before to enrich our parenting skills. That doesnt help them from driving me bonkers. I felt better last night anyways, they werent angels but I was a little more patient and understanding that this is just a phase.

((((lynn)))) thanks.. I will go buy a calender this weekend with stickers and make a chore chart for the oldest. You had some awesome tips. thanks again!!

You're welcome. I consider myself an good parent and I've have times and days where I feel completely frazzled. I think every parent has experienced temper tantrums and it depends on the situation how to handle it. If you're in the mall the best thing to do is remove your child and say "we're going home". Before an outing have a talk with all 3, what you expect from them and don't leave without snacks - God forbid lol. Sometimes it's better just to ignore the childs tantrum and later when he's calm, have a talk about better behavior. I've found there's no reasoning with a child who's in a meltdown.

I'll never forget the day my oldest had a tantrum at the grocery store - I stupidly let her go to the bulk section to put some candy canes in a bag. She filled the whole bag. When I told her this was too many and we had to put some back - she started screaming and jumping. I wish I would have known to simply walk out immediately. I continued my shopping while she cried for 15 min. We laugh about it now. No doubt having 3 boys they'll test your patience but stick to your guns, have firm rules and be consistent.

thanks lynn. I think the biggest problem is the fact that the 3 y/o is 55 pounds and difficult to restrain when throwing a tantrum. he will run from me and then once Icatch him kick hit spit etc. he doesnt do this to his dad-just to me. And everyone else that cares for him. It hurts my feelings the most because I love him so much but he doesnt like that I discipline him all the time (time outs which involve holding him in my lap because he wont stay put) He has been through foster homes and been bounced around before he came to live with us though so he has a reason for the meltdowns. His mother had him taken by cps in the middle of the night when she got busted by a swat team. that was when he was 1 1/2. we have had him since october and he only thinks of me as mommy. we tried therapy with him but he is too scared we are leaving him to play (its play therapy). I just dont know what to do. He wont even let me straighten my hair (which is one feel good thing I can do for myself) because his "mom" used to do that before she left him for the night. I mean he never mentions her AT ALL. but we know his issues come from her. I know all 3 y/o throw tantrums (i have an 11 y/o) but these are extreme and multiple times a day. Anything I do has to be done his way or its a tanrtum. Now I feel bad for ranting about my 3 y/o. Its really not his fault but I just need help on how to deal with it. I am so getting the calender and stickers and dollar tree toys as soon as I have the money for it. The 11 y/o I think we have under control after him being grounded most of this semester. He has begun even telling the truth when he knows we wont like it. And the baby.. well the house is kid proof already but if theres anything that he shouldnt have he will find it. Thanks again for replying. I thought I was the only exasperated mother out there!

I have five boys and one girl (girls are by far easier ) anyways one of my boys is ADHD OCD ODD plus a few more.

He wouldnt sleep and would often throw a tantrum and I would get looks (had a comment once) from people in the street about the way I handled it.

I would hug him and tell him I love him, that I loved him no matter how he behaved that I would love him no matter what.

I would hug him so tight he couldn't kick me or hit me.

In the end when he was about four ish he stopped as he had no reason to carry on.

Can you do your hair when he is asleep or when someone else is in the room leave him with them and sneak off and do your hair ?

Also lots of praise kids love it, point out what pretty colours he has chosen to use on his picture etc.

Lots of touching as you pass him ie stroke his hair or face. They love contact.

After a temper tantrum I would also point out to him that ' Hey you was really good that time you hardly screamed ! lol ' and smile at him ! Try to turn it into a joke make him laugh at himself !

If I think of any more things I used to do with Christian (he is 20 now) I will let you know although to be honest it just made life easier for me at the time not long term.

My son has so many problems (mental health) that I am still 'trying' to find out what really works for him.

With your 3 yr old it sounds a little more complicated than the standard tantrums. I commend you for taking in a foster child and it sounds like he has some past issues relating to his behavior. Is he okay around your 1yr old? Speak to the agency where you get the play therapy and see if they have suggestions. I bet his behavior probably sets off your other childrens moods too. His situation sounds more challenging and needs more professional advice.

he is not a foster child, I am sorry for the miss-communication. He is my husbands son but he was taken by cps when his "mother" had custody of him. Because of the situation we had to jump through hoops to get custody of him and during that time he went to foster homes and was bounced around. It only took us a couple of months to gain custody of him because I had two children that we were already taking care of and CPS couldn't say we couldn't give him a good home. But during the time he was with his mother and then being taken away and in foster homes was rough for him. But his tantrums are not typical at all. And yes he does affect the other two boys behavior. They have to fight for attention. Most of my home time is spent looking after the 3 y/o instead of spending time with the 11 y/o and 1 y/o. And I feel guilty even writing this because I know he needs the extra attention but its draining. Plus then I feel anxious about neglecting the other two. And all I want is to not have to constantly discipline the 3 y/o so that maybe one day he will me. I know I need a t so bad right now but I honestly dont have the time to see one. After hearing your responses, though, I am going to try to get him back into play therapy. I just want my middle child to be happy and not grow up thinking he can control everything and everyone. bolah. thanks for listening to my long winded post. I really am looking into getting a t. just gotta work out the details with my hubby and my work schedule etc.

Sounds like quite a circus at your house. I don't blame you for wanting a break. I wanted one too and I only have one wayward child.

Perhaps instead of holding the three year old on your lap you can have him sit in a chair for time out. My son has ADHD and I used time out until he became a teenager and then started withdrawing privileges. A child should be in time out for one minute for every year of age, so three minutes for him right now. My son's doctor told me not to physically restrain my son because with his ADHD I risked that he would injure me unintentionally. I had to stay with my son the whole time he was in time out and keep reminding him to stay in the chair. At times he would be upside down in the chair with his feet hanging over the back of the chair but hey ADHD kids are lively that way.

Is there anybody you trust to take care of your children for a day or even a few hours so you can get a break? Do you have any family nearby that can handle them?

Thanks for clarifying he's not a foster child. I think one of best tools for parents is having a good routine - set meal and snack times and organized play time. This will be a challenge because you have varied ages. Explain to the 3 yr about the reward system and where he should go when he's mad - tell him when he's mad to sit in a chair until he's calm. If he goes the whole day with no tantrum he gets a star on the calendar. Maybe tell him in the morning enthusiastically - "today you're not going to get mad and we're having a good day" -high five each other. When he's doing something good praise him. I agree it's hard when the problems of one child take away from the others. Best of luck.

Yoda, yes my mother in law lives with us but she can not handle the 3 y/o by herself. When she does watch him with or without the other children theres always something destroyed in the house when we get home. My mom has offered to take him one weekend in the future but theres no telling when. So for now, he just goes with us to the store and we leave the other two home with my mother in law. That in itself makes me sad because I feel like taking him we are rewarding him for bad behavior. But we have no choice. Then my husband doesnt help the situation and buys him treats every time we go anywhere. To me I dont think he should get a treat until we get home and he has been good. Erg. And I do try to sit him in time out but he wont stay put. If we are at the store and he is being bad I put all 55 pounds of him on my hip and hold him like that. Its the only thing I have found that works when we are not at home. I think if it werent for my anxiety and the fact that he is so big, it wouldnt be such a problem. Its just that by the end of the work day I am so anxious about what the kids are going to get into tonight. (namely 3 y/o) Then by the time I reach the bed my heart is pounding and the room is spinning and I feel like I am on the edge of a panic attack. And guess what? the 3 y/o is still awake. lol Thanks yoda for the advise. Glad to know Im not alone out here

oops thanks lynn too for your advise!

I hear you're really trying here Kadesgirl and I wonder if your BF/husband(?) is doing his share in disciplining the 3 yr old. You both need to be on the same page and you're right - he shouldn't get treats unless he's good. When your partners around and the 3 yr old has a tantrum - what does your partner do? It all can't be on you and you mentioned he doesn't bite or split at your husband. I understand he's hard to handle being 50lbs - is he the right weight for his age?

Sorry you're going through a stressful period with the kids and yourself. My husband and I babysit the grandkids whenever our daughter-in-law asks. I want to move over closer to them to help more during this period when they are so young.

Hang in there, just another 5-6 years and hopefully everyone will be in school and the older ones able to look after themselves more and sort of look after the younger ones occasionally.

thanks Perna and Lynn, this weekend for example, I explained the calendar system with my husband. So we went to the store and 3 y/o threw fit before we got there. Then when we did get there he had to walk in front. then daddy had to hold him, then daddy had to push the cart. to the point that if daddy went away from the cart and I started to push it: meltdown. So we got NOTHING we needed from the store but instead daddy went and picked out a kite for each of the boys and a toy for 3 y/o also. I had to put my foot down on that one. I didnt want him buying the kites but because they already picked them out I insisted the other toy and the spongebob stickers were to go to the top of my closet until 3 y/o earned them. The kite he destroyed in less than an hour anyways. The good news is he was better yesterday. He actually earned a sticker which I really thought was impossible. Now today is a different story. But I feel a victory from yesterday. Thanks guys!

UPDATE: thought all was going well for a few days until the world came crashing down around me. My 11 y/o lied about having homework last thursday saying "dont you guys trust me yet?" so then he got in trouble at school and of course got grounded. Then while grounded this weekend he told us that he had already done his science project, which he hadnt so then double grounded. THEN the day after my mother in law took her chemo he stole her phone and took it to school with him so she was unable to call while sick. So probably grounded to his room copying the dictionary for 6 weeks. Or 50 years. Then the 3 year old was so bad for the hour that he was home with my mother in law that when we got home the house was turned upside down and she was in tears. I just started the stickers and so far the 3 y/o earned one out of 5 days and the 11 y/o hasnt earned any. ARG!!! They are going to drive me insanse. And the worst part is we are going to Sea World this weekend and have already paid for the trip so its not like we can cancel because they are being bad. Why would my son do such hurtful things like lie to me about everything and steal from his memaw when she is sick? And the other one too.

Not at all... I consider myself a good parent and I have at one time or another felt the same way you are feeling now... I think most parents go through this. My two boys are now young men (25 & 20) and I found just having a day away every other week gave me the inner peace and strength I needed to make it through another month of parenting when the boys were young and driving me crazy.

Do you have family or a good friend that you could leave your boys with for the weekend or for just for a day away so you can pamper your self.

And as well... I cant leave this topic with out asking - Why is that you think your boys are being so wild... what type of reinforcement do you use to maintain control of any given situation that may arise in the home?