[whenwillitend]

I feel a bit overwhelmed right now. The little guy (he's 2) isn't too bad. Although he's finally overcoming his speech delay, and is CONSTANTLY pointing at things going "what's that?", "what's that?", and so on. It can really get on my nerves. But the 8 year old, he's really a handfull. He's been seeing a therapist for about a month now, and so far nothing has changed. They are working on his anger issues, but like I said, nothing has changed. Today my son threw a major fit because I wouldn't let him have candy close to dinner time. So I told him to go to his room for a time out and time to cool off. He stormed off SCREAMING, then continued screaming in his room, totally trashing his room, overturned tables and all. And even when he's not throwing a fit, he talks NONSTOP. Like he's talking to himself all the time. But he's talking to me, and of course expects a response. I need some quiet every now and then. I can't handle constant noise. I feel like a horrible parent.

[kitty004567]

I don't think you're a horrible parent for needing some peace and quiet every now and then... everyone does. Does your 2 year old still take a nap during the day (maybe while your 8 yr old is at school?). Maybe you could use that time to take a nice hot bath or just do something just for you? Or a mothers day out program? Is that an option?

[whenwillitend]

Thank you! Yes, the little one does still take naps. That's usually when I take a quick shower. Or just watch some tv or whatever.

Soon, once things look better financially, I will be going back to the gym. They have daycare there, so I get two hours of uninterrupted me time, time to work out and just enjoy myself. I miss that.

[Yoda]

Funny how those little creatures called kids can be so adorable and yet so annoying.

[kitty004567]

Perhaps if you just reframed your thinking... nap time means me time that would help. Sometimes for me simply thinking about things in a different way helps. I'm glad you're going to be able to go to the gym soon. I hope that helps.

In the mean time, do you know any other moms you could swap child care with? Or have a friend who might be willing to watch your kids for an hour so you can have a break? My mom loves telling the story of when I was 2 and my mom's friend (also the mother of my best friend growing up) called and asked if my mom was going to come get the kid or if she was going to just kill him then (joking of course...but let my mom know how serious she was). See, it's been going on for forever...he did btw make it to adulthood and is now an astrophysicist.

[whenwillitend]

My problem is that I don't believe I deserve me-time. I can't relax when my kids are in school/sleeping/at a friend's house. The little one, I have a babysitter for him, but I feel guilty about calling her just so I can go do whatever. Or stay out a little longer after appointments. I feel it's my duty to be with my kids at all times, or at least use the time productively, going to appts or doing housework or whatever. My t always tells me to have my babysitter or my friend watch the kids sometime so I can get a break. I just can't do that. But then, on the other hand, I so crave some alone time. I make no sense, I know.

[Nola22]

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

My problem is that I don't believe I deserve me-time. I can't relax when my kids are in school/sleeping/at a friend's house. The little one, I have a babysitter for him, but I feel guilty about calling her just so I can go do whatever. Or stay out a little longer after appointments. I feel it's my duty to be with my kids at all times, or at least use the time productively, going to appts or doing housework or whatever. My t always tells me to have my babysitter or my friend watch the kids sometime so I can get a break. I just can't do that. But then, on the other hand, I so crave some alone time. I make no sense, I know.

I had a friend who felt the same way you do, whenwillitend, and I'd tell her exactly what kitty and your therapist have advised, to catch a little time for herself here and there away from her kid, for her own benefit. She routinely refused, saying the guilt that came with taking even an hour or two for herself made it impossible for her to enjoy that limited time in the rare instances she took advantage of it. She even balked at the idea of leaving her kid with her parents, who lived five minutes away in the same town, and who were deeply involved with their grandkid. Though she's a sweet, well-meaning person, and her kid is very bright and empathetic, she created more tension in their household than probably would have existed otherwise by not taking breaks once in a while.

You don't sound like a horrible parent at all; you need time to replenish your energy and take care of yourself so you can maintain the resources required to continue effective parenting and dealing with everything else I'm sure you have going in your life. Find a way towards relaxation by trying it in smaller doses until you feel more at ease with it--you already watch some TV while the little one naps, and there's nothing wrong with that if it helps you unwind. Allow yourself a moment to observe what's happening outside in your yard/garden, indulge in a treat you like and truly savor it, and when the kids are with a sitter or at school, read or catch a movie, even if you watch that movie in increments, or read that book a page or two at a time until you become more comfortable.

All the best to you.

[Sannah]

When a kid can be annoying the parent just wants to avoid him (are you avoiding him in his presence?). What will turn it around is spending positive time with him and really focus on him for 1/2 to one hour per day (play a game, read, color, etc.). If he is craving this and not getting it he will constantly be trying to get it from you and annoying you so then you try to avoid him but he will still be trying to get it from you so it becomes a vicious circle. Turning it around with positive attention really works.

[AAAAA]

A flashlight with a drained battery doesn’t shine very bright. If you have daycare available USE it! You need time to decompress. A fully charged mom will react to those stressful situations much better. I would also suggest using it for the little one and spend some one on one time with your older child. His bad behavior may be because he’s a little needier than other children and he’ll have that attention whether it’s positive or negative.

Weather permitting, throw the baby in the stroller and take the kids for a walk. While you’re on the walk talk to HIM! Ask him questions. What an amazing opportunity to teach him and share with him. Find something relaxing that you can do together. I LOVE to color! Mommy will color with you for a half hour, then color on your own while I…. for a half hour. Then make a big deal over the pictures that he’s colored on his own. Read to them. There were many books that I found myself enjoying right along with them. Have the older one read simpler books to you and the baby. Show him a love of reading. Take him to the library and get his own library card. Find a series of books that he enjoys and while he’s reading you get your “me” time. At that age my kids loved the Magic Tree House books and there are dozens of them. Keep his interest by asking him about the stories and showing that you’re interested in his opinions. By going giving him attention after he’s done things on his own he doesn’t feel he’s missing out on your attention while you’re doing what you want.

The key is ENGAGE him. When you go shopping, clip a coupon and have him find it in the store. Thank him profusely for his help. “What kind of Mac and Cheese do we like?” Have him make out the grocery list or read it to you. Make your older child feel as if he is helping you. “You’re so clever, help me teach the baby….” “Help mommy do the dishes and we’ll….” You will have to rewash the dishes until he learns the right way to do them but you’re teaching him life skills AND spending time together.

Once he becomes more secure in his relationship with you he probably won’t need to fill the silence with chatter. (I say probably because I was a Chatter box myself.)

When he’s had a particularly bad day, make sure to include some positive one on one mom time like reading a bedtime story. That way he knows that no matter what there will be some positive attention. Some days it can feel as though the only thing you’re doing is punishing him. It feels that way to him too.

While it is much faster and easier to do things yourself, you miss valuable opportunities by doing them on your own. You would not believe the stuff I’ve learned about my children over the dish water or sorting socks (no one in this house likes to sort socks so we have a sock sorting party to this day). These mundane chores have to be done anyway, spin them into a positive experience. Take the opportunity to slip in a little message “when you scream it does not change anything and you only upset yourself more; isn’t this much better?”

[Can't Stop Crying]

I agree, parents need to re-charge their batteries. I also know that is easier said than done...