[moviebuff]

I am a stay at home mom.I have these huge fights with my 13 year old child.Usually its over him not taking a thorough shower,maybe not brushing his teeth enough...not washing his face after coming back from school. these fights are horrible i end up shouting my lungs out... .I end up feeling guilty that i shouted and now the neighbors must think what a bad parent i am.i feel lousy for .i am almost obsessed about what others think of me with me shouting all the time.After one of these outbursts in my home i don't like to venture out.if i see people then i keep wondering if they are talking and judging me.how can i control myself? Besides i want to know how i can teach my son with patience.Not teaching is not an option he really needs my help.

[Omers]

Peer pressure can be a fabulous thing.

[Yoda]

Make a checklist of behaviors you expect. Be specific, such as say brush teeth for 2 minutes twice a day.

Write or print a chart.

1 shower daily

2 brush teeth twice daily

3 floss once daily

4 apply deodorant

5 work on school work for -- minutes - or if school is out read a book or magazine for 30 minutes each day

Then reward the behavior. You can give time to play video games or TV or telephone time or going to a movie.

It usually takes a few weeks to change behaviors. Your child also may challenge you but just don't give the rewards. No need to yell. You are the boss and that defiant creature living in your house is going to challenge you during the teen years.

[Open Eyes]

Moviebuff,
Take a few minutes now and think. What happened when you turned 12 and 13?
Do you remember the bra and how embarassing that was? Do you remember looking at your body and seeing it changing and how awkward that was? Do you remember fearing about when something else would start to happen and then how you felt when it did happen and you learned it would happen every month? Did someone yell at you all the time while you were trying to figure it all out?

You have to stop yelling. Your son is 13 and that means that he is entering the most difficult years of his life. He is looking in a mirror and his image is changing, not the little boy that was care free and playful. Now, he has to learn that his underarms are going to smell because his body is changing. His teeth are now the ones that are perminent and he has to learn that too and these teeth are still growing. And in the next few years hormones are slowly going to come into play and he is going to be very confused. And his body is going to go through a lot of stages and his face is slowly going to change and the innocent little boyish cheeks are going to change.
This is a VERY CONFUSING UPSETTING TIME.

To top it off the homonal change is going to cause him to feel tired and confused.
He may even want to withdraw and take may quiet moments to wonder about who he is and what is going on.

So what this means is he is going to need a lot of support and QUIET CONVERSATIONS, NO YELLING. He is in no way ready to just all of a sudden BE AN ADULT. He is going to need you to spend time with him talking and YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T "EVER" CALL HIM INADEQUATE OR DEMEAN HIM IN ANY WAY.
This time is when he is kind of in a cacoon in many ways. So you are no longer in the presense of a little boy and neither is he. No more yelling.

You are going to have to concentrate on helping him build self esteem and that self esteem is going to be very fragile over the next five years. He needs to know he can talk to you and ask questions and not get yelled at. He is going to test you and look for a way to see boundaries and struggle to learn what boundaries are. Your job now is to help him, NO YELLING.

Go and and read and find books for him too. This can be a difficult journey for your son. He is going to need your support. He is also going to need a quiet private place of his own. And he is going to need reassurance and support because he is going to have a tough time looking at and feeling all the changes ahead.

Open Eyes

[Korin]

I found this very helpful in reminding me to have more patience where my children were concerned.

The Blue Flowers

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

Author Unknown

[Sabrina]

That is beautiful! Thanks for sharing.

[Open Eyes]

Korin, that is a wonderful poem, it brings tears to my eyes.

When my daughter was little she used to walk so close to me that I was constantly tripping over her. I found myself constantly telling her to walk beside me and not so close. Well she kept almost walking infront of me and then one day I raised my voice and told her that she had to stop walking so close/almost in front of me and I asked why did she do that. My daughter looked up and said to me "It is because I love you and I need to be close to you". Well it melted my heart and I still remember that day.

We often get very busy with our daily routine and our children sometimes seem like they get in our way and sometimes don't listen or make a mess. Sometimes it seems so important that the house be clean and the shopping gets done and we can very easily become tired and stressed by keeping with a routine of just getting things done. And we often don't realize that there is really a young person in our presense that is more important than all the other things we feel are so necessary to be done.

Some day the children wont be there anymore, and the cleaning and busy time of keeping house will slow down, but it will always be there. And then you will turn and see how fast time went by and wonder if you really took enough time to be a part of your childs life. And what did you really teach that child? Did you teach that child that he/she is only at the bottom of a list? Did he/she learn that a clean house is the most important thing along with how one has to do a routine?

Without realizing it we often teach our children the responsibilities of adulthood by our standards. They may not clean or do things the way we want, but they are watching how we not only do it but how we stress over it. And eventually when they do it (even raise their own children) they will do it just like the parent.

It is so easy to fall in the trap of viewing children as entities that cause a mess for us to constantly clean after. And it is equally easy to also make the mistake of unknowingly sending messages of our displeasure of the constant task. And it is also easy to think that size means extra hands and should do's and know by now's in them, when even though there is size there is confusion and extra need.

It is was good that you asked the question, because by the way you asked it, you were falling into a trap, and somehow you knew it. But, you did ask the question and that means you DO want to be a good parent.

Open Eyes

[Korin]

I agree. No matter how much you are struggling, if you ask for help and advice then you are trying to do things better. And that’s all any of us can do.

If you are to be a special person in this world then let it be because you were special in the heart of a child.

There’s enough pain and suffering in the world without us adding to it.

Stay strong and stay above the battles.