[salukigirl]

OMG.....this is one of those things where you see girls on TV talking about their experiences with things like sexting and you think "no....she's too smart for that!"

Well....apparently this is my first experience with learning that the whole "it won't happen to me" mentality is total BS. She will be 17 in October and my sister found some "repulsive" pics on her cell phone. She went to the boy's house and told his mom. She took away the boy's cell phone and grounded him I guess.

My sis just doesn't know what to do. I remember when I used to cut and thinking how alone I felt while being surrounded by people. I told my sis that she (my niece) needs to see a therapist. Like now. All I wanted was to have my mom and dad pay even a little attention to me.

I told her I think just taking time out of her day to do something alone with my niece would do a world of difference. Even if it's taking her to a baseball game or even just a bike ride. My niece has a different dad than her 3 siblings so she is the only one in the household with my last name. Everyone else has my sis's husband's last name. There are 4 kids (youngest being 2.5 yrs old) so I know she doesn't get much attention or privacy for that matter. Her step-dad (my BIL) is a total snoop and constantly riffling through her things and basically spying on her.

She has over a 4.0 GPA in high school, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke etc.... Totally top of the line student and kid in general. I feel like she is probably feeling massive amounts of pressure and I think this is a cry for help and a sign of depression rather than her just being a "slut". I don't know how to tell my sis that this needs to be seen as an opportunity to change the parenting/family situation in general. I don't want her to feel guilty, but at the same time, she does kind of get wrapped up in other stuff and I know my niece feels trapped.

I would stay out of it but my sis explicitly came to me and said she was coming to me for "sound advice". She said she has gone off on my niece a couple times about this already. I don't really know how to explain to her that this could be a direct result of such a hectic family life.

[lynn P.]

Sorry this happened salukigirl - were these pics of her BF or her or both?? I'm assuming your sister has spoken to your niece about relationships and sex etc. TBH I'm not surprised - after 2 months of school a 13 yr old girl at my daughters school, took completely pornographic pics of herself and sent them to a 13 yr old boy via Wi Fi on his Xbox, when his buddy was over. Her pics were on a 50 inch plasma TV and on his computer and cell phone. He then sent these pics to many boys at the school and boys were giggling in huddles at recess looking at these pics. I remember this girl since kindergarten and she was considered popular. The police got involved and luckily for them, they didn't get charged with possession of child pornography but were given mandatory counseling. The girl had to change schools. I was shocked.

My 13 yr old shows me Facebook profiles and you would be surprised to see their pictures. Most parents don't know what their kids are doing with their cameras. Most of the pics are done in front of a mirror so they can take the pic. They pose in provocative shots in push up bras and bikini underwear. Why their parents don't see their profile pics I'll never know. My daughter knows I have access to her Facebook, so her pics are respectable.

People/ young people need to understand once your inappropriate pics are sent, it could end up in anyone's possession. The prime example is Wiener. I've told my daughter's once your pic is on the internet, the 'world' has access to it.

I think your sister should have an open talk with your niece, as to whether she's having sex with this boy - does she need reliable birth control? It's not enough just for the BF to get consequences - the parents need to have a mature open conversation with each of their children and face the real possibility they might be having sex. Better do that, than have your niece end up pregnant.

Yes you're probably right your niece needs some one on one attention. She needs to get away from feeling mad about this / hoping they'll listen, to being realistic with a sincere conversation. ATM your niece and her BF will just play it cool for a while but their sexual feelings will still be there and needs to be dealt with.

[salukigirl]

I don't think this is even her "boyfriend". She said the first thing they are doing is going to the OBGYN to have a doc talk to her about the responsibilities of being involved with someone sexually. My sis had my niece at 18 so she has always made it clear that, if she needs BC, my sis will take her to get it.

I imagine the boy's mom took the phone and went through it completely. I can only hope he didn't send it to anyone before my sis got to it.

I hear the horror stories like the one you just told and don't want that to ever happen to her. My sis and I are both friends with her on fb so I have seen the pics she puts up there and they are not bad. I think my sis needs to have a one-on-one talk with her bc her step-dad is not the kind to take things like this "lightly". Most likely he will just go off and not even allow her to speak.

From what I hear these are pretty bad pics. I am only 7 yrs older than her and have tried to always be the "friend" aunt that she can come and talk to about anything but I guess she doesn't see it that way. I guess my sis tried to talk her husband into family therapy and he refused so it might just be the two of them without her step-dad. I wish he would agree though. I just hope she learns a lesson from all this.....

Thanks for your input.

[lynn P.]

Oh I thought it was her BF. Were these pics of the boy or of someone else? Any pics of her? I had the whole sex talk with my oldest when she was 8 but it was age appropriate and it's a continuing conversation...meaning she knows I'm an open book. We also talk alot about what happens at school with other kids. I sure hope this won't be the first conversation about sex with your niece?

The story I mentioned is so stunning - they come from an upper class neighborhood and the mother is a teacher. It can happen to any family really. These pics were so revealing they were classified as child pornography.

[salukigirl]

The pics were of her, sent to the boy. From the description....I would classify it as child pornography also.

I don't think this is the first sex talk my sis will have had with her. I'm not sure when they started talking about it but my sis has always been very proactive about sex simply bc she doesn't want my niece to go through what she went through being a teen mom.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

The pics were of her, sent to the boy. From the description....I would classify it as child pornography also.

I don't think this is the first sex talk my sis will have had with her. I'm not sure when they started talking about it but my sis has always been very proactive about sex simply bc she doesn't want my niece to go through what she went through being a teen mom.

If I were you or your sister, you should tell her the story I told you. This was even in the newspaper but they didn't mention names. The girl was athletic and won in several sports.....but now she's known as the girl who sent porno pics and honestly I don't know if the police got all the photos. These were sent out to many of the boys at school and recorded on their home computers -only God knows how many of those saved those photos and where they'll end up or who's getting their jollies looking at them.

Your niece might not realize the reality of sending these to one hot guy. Another scenario is, if things turn sour the boy could out of revenge send them to whoever and whatever website he wants to be malicious. It's a very scary situation that happens too often.

There's this private school in Michigan and many girls all had bikini and underwear shots of themselves on Facebook. Someone they know was browsing profiles and found one guy who copied all these girls pics and had them on his profile - a collage. One of the girls told her parents and then word traveled to the other parents. The parents were all shocked this could happen, but my question is -what did they expect, when their daughters had revealing shots of themselves like this...I mean Daaaa. Guess where he lived -in Saudi Arabia . This is the danger of doing this.

One girl at my daughters school has a big chest and had a pic of her in a tight T shirt. Another teenage boy copied that pic and put it as his avatar. Another less harmful thought is, a person could use a nice pic of a face without permission for advertising but not pay the person, like the old days.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

My sis just doesn't know what to do. I remember when I used to cut and thinking how alone I felt while being surrounded by people. I told my sis that she (my niece) needs to see a therapist. Like now. All I wanted was to have my mom and dad pay even a little attention to me.

If only it were so easy. It could be, though, that the niece's behavior doesn't relate to the amount of time her parents spend with her. Maybe, but maybe not. Sometimes kids do everything they can to avoid spending time with their parents. Mandating a daily bike ride might not fix what's wrong but could even make the girl resentful or push her away. I agree a therapist is a good idea, but sometimes I wonder about their ability to figure this stuff out or help. It's worth a shot. Good luck to them.

[salukigirl]

Thank you, Sunrise. I agree that it's not a fix-all to spend time with your kids. Just, in her situation (having 3 younger siblings that require constant attention), that seemed like the most likely cause (IMO).

We have been planning a family vacation in NC (my mom, step-dad, sis, BIL, all nieces and nephew, brother, his gf, me and my bf). We have been planning this for MONTHS. So my niece is still going. My sis doesn't want to let her go and feel like she's not being punished but at the same time, she doesn't feel comfortable leaving her alone and isn't going to cancel their entire vacation for her to be grounded.

I imagine this will come up this week. I know that I'm probably going to be expected to have a heart to heart with her to try and figure out what's really going on. I expect to have to bare my soul a little bit to have her know that I understand whatever she is going through.

Maybe I can get her to talk to me about what's on her mind.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

A heart to heart in my opinion will be best. If she feels close to you and is mostly an honest girl she should tell the truth. In some cares this type of thing can be a cry for help, and for some kids it's just the thing to do.

I'm a 16 year old girl, and have never sexted BUT I witnessed these things happening. A friend who was a guy, was a little to "over joyed" by sexting (as this was the first time he ever did it) and he told me EVERYTHING. All details came out even without me asking. I ignored him, shut him off, but he would keep talking and talking. I had seen glimpses (before I could turn away or close my eyes) of pictures his gf had sent him, I heard stories, conversations they had on the phone in explicit detail.. and I worried that if he said these things to me (a trusted individual who wouldn't go around spreading it and making rumours) who else would he be saying this too. I told this girl about it, and as far as I'm aware she stopped sending him pictures (I know because he went off on me about this), but I don't know if it stopped her from doing anything ever again.

Sending pictures is such a dangerous thing.. Teens should really be more aware.

[salukigirl]

So it never officially came up. My sis and BIL started making comments to her in front of me and I kind of gave her a look like I was extremely uncomfortable and tried to stand up for her without pissing my sis off. I tried to change the subject other times.

I just made it a point to hang out with my niece and just treat her like an adult. I know that's what she wants/needs. My sis really does treat her like crap sometimes.

Something that really made me angry....we are all standing there making dinner, my sis started making little backhanded comments about my niece and she just walked away. My sister then called her an idiot! My niece of course got upset and my sis said "well if it were me I would try to defend myself" and my niece said "it's impossible to defend myself against you" and that shut her up! I couldn't believe my sis called her own daughter an idiot! Not to mention in front of other people! When my niece said that I told her "well she has a point on that one!" and walked out.

My sis has been talking about divorce for a while and I think it may be necessary at this point. She has become so angry with her life that she is treating her own children like total crap. I want to keep my nose out but I can't watch her do this to my nieces and nephew. Our mother did this to us growing up and it was because she was miserable in her marriage. Since her and my dad got divorced she has done a total 180. However, I hated her until very recently. If they hadn't gotten divorced, I'm not sure we would be speaking now. I'm afraid to see this happen to her and her eldest daughter.

I don't know what to do!

Stay out of the middle of it. In other words, try not to directly engage in arguments with your sister. It won't help the situation. In the meanwhile, just be a good aunt to your nieces. Get them out of the house and away from the home chaos from time to time and be supportive. Try not to trash their parents in front of them. Again, that really will do more harm than good.

[salukigirl]

I would love that but I live 13 hours away....

[AAAAA]

My armchair quarterback opinion is that it is a self-esteem issue. Your sister’s treatment of her daughter seems to reinforce that.

A couple of months ago while at a military function a reservist showed my son a picture he’d gotten via text of a girl in only her panties that he had met at a club and said “would you tap that?” My son replied “I know that girl and she is NOT 18!” He immediately deleted the picture and contact info.

I do not understand why people do this. I’ve been struggling with whether or not I should talk to the girl’s older sister about it. I know her pretty well. The problem is that if I reveal who had the picture HE is in a world of trouble, not only with the state but with the military as well. He really had no idea that the girl was only 16 but that doesn’t matter. On the other hand this girl is exhibiting really unhealthy behavior.

But as to what you can do, can you talk to your sister about what you observed of her treatment of her daughter?

[Perna]

Salukigirl, I wish you would share some of what your niece has said/done in response? Seventeen is pretty "old" for a teen, when she gets to college in a year or out working, that's not going to be under your sister's powers, her actions and their consequences are going to be her own. Mistakes get made when we're teens, that's how we "learn" but what lesson we learn can depend on how the adults respond?

I would have made sure the guy's mother knew but would have wanted my daughter to take some responsibility for establishing and regaining her "personage"? Having the two mothers do all the "work" and "punishing" the "children" doesn't help teach responsibility, in my opinion. If the guy did/did not publish the pictures (depending on what sort of guy he is!) would make a great deal of difference to me.

Adults text appropriate or inappropriate things to their own friends all the time and some of that has to do with our background and natural disposition. If I were a guy and a girl texted me naked pictures of herself, no way would they be "broadcast" because I'm not that kind of guy! If my daughter were your niece, I would want her to take the opportunity to, in addition to understanding her own behavior, understand that there are different sorts of "others" out there and just because we like/are dared by/don't think about what we're doing with another, "who" the other is is extremely important.

I did not get married until I was 39; had several offers of marriage before then but the guy was not "right" for me! I didn't get married just because I liked the sex or was rebelling against my parents or was lonely, etc., I knew myself better than that and responded to my needs better so when I married, the man was a good guy too, who appreciated me. I'm not talking flowers, candy, or jewels here, I'm talking person-to-person enjoyment. Learning what sort of guy the guy she texted to would make a difference to me, were this my daughter who maybe made an unwise decision for herself.

Yes, older teenagers and young adults starting out in adult life still could use their parents help but it's getting to the point where their parents' dramas need to be reassessed in relation to starting one's own life as an adult. If your sister has not been training her daughter well all along, what she does now will have less effect, just the same as if your niece did this as some sort of protest or illustration of previous poor interaction between the two of them in the past, will not have as great an effect on your sister and her husband and the rest of the family's dynamics as one might wish/hope.

Your niece is almost grown and I would want her to have a more supportive rather than punitive time of it. However, whatever happens will mostly be the straw that broke the camel's back versus seeing the light, at this point. Supportive is better but even supportive might not make a dent YET if the past has not been supportive. I would tell my sister she has a "choice" with how she deals with this, just as she has a choice with each situation in her life and just as your niece and you and me have choices all along. Few choices are double-or-nothing choices though; mostly they just are pattern- or rut-making possibilities.

Make a mistake in a math problem and continuing on can't get you the "right" answer no matter what. But how far you continue can make a difference in how well/quickly/if you can go back and "fix" the mistake so you can continue on in the correct direction.

So far I've only/mostly(?) hear about your sister and her reaction and responses and problems when this whole issue is really your niece's problem? Her response and what she is thinking/doing would be greatly appreciated if you know it.