End of the line with our grown and married children...

My husband and I have been very annoyed with (my) step-son and DIL. Our 2nd grandchild, barely a month old, had her christening scheduled BEFORE birth---not because they are SO religious, just to secure an event date at the restaurant venue. It was yet another money generating social event that seems to be a big part of their lifestyle. My s-son really did not want this to be a "big affair" (as he told his father) but they did it for the 1st child, and as DIL insisted, it is being repeated. Everything is ALWAYS a big expensive "to do" including the 1st grandchild's one year birthday. We're talking caterer's, tents, musicians, etc. at a fancy country club. The marriage too was a "big event", sponsored by her father, (a heath care executive), to the tune of $80,000. There were 14 bridesmaids and grooms! We were "instructed" do the rehearsal dinner which we did without comment, for $15,000 and paid $7,000 (as we were 'instructed' to do) toward their 3 week 1st class honeymoon in Mexico (as a wedding present). There were over 400 guests at the 6 hour wedding reception. We invited 8 people and had a table of 10. Her entire family is loud and boisterous and drink to excess but we have respectfully never judged them or commented on their behavior. We are friendly to everyone to maintain a cordial relationship.

We are retired professionals who have worked hard and saved to be financially secure and we live well but have never been lavish people. To add insult to injury, we are basically ignored except for the father/son "sports connection" that keeps my husband connected to his son. Forget about me, they didn't even remember my husband's birthday. Also, we didn't even receive a card or token gift for Christmas even though we spent hundreds in airfare and gifts when visiting them for the holidays. My DIL came in with bags of gifts after shopping with her sister but after giving them our gifts "under the tree" we received nothing. My step-son acts like a" dumb-dumb". Oblivious to all... The situation is different with her side of the family. They are routinely remembered (by her) and treated with respect.

While visiting last December we never had a decent family meal at their home. Day after day (for 5 days) I offered to help her shop, cook and prepare meals but that idea was nixed. Instead, she would isolate herself taking "long baths" and naps, ( while my step-son took care of the baby), then at 7pm, she would reappear, decide she was tired and we would end up eating Chinese take-out or pizza! We were nearing the end of our rope with this behavior during our Christmas visit at their home, but this is just one example of their behavior toward us over a period of 5 years.

We do not live nearby but we try to maintain contact to see and interact with our grandchildren as much as possible through Skype. We give gifts when it's appropriate. We have made a conscious decision to back off from participating in these overblown social "affairs". It has come to a point where our so-called relationship with both of them is aggrevating and annoying because in our opinion our relationship with them doesn't seem to be mutually based on love or family values or true caring. The bottom line is that we are hurt and angry at the way we have been treated. We love our grandchildren but can no longer tolerate their parents behavior.

In closing, I'd like to add that neither my step-son or DIL came from a privileged background. My s-son works as a carpenter and she is a practical nurse. My husband and I just don't get it. We don't want to cause a confrontation about how we feel about these issues but we feel rejected and dismissed. In our opinion a confrontation would be useless and would probably cause alienation that would jeopardize our relationship and contact with the grandchildren.

What are your thoughts on this situation?

I think that you just have to decide what your boundaries are. Everyone has a different idea about how to live their life. You might not agree with their choices but they get to make them. You also get to protect yourself by recognizing what you can and can't control. If you want to send the occasional trinket to your grandchild then do so, if attending the social affairs isn't your cup of tea feel free to bow out. The point is you get to decide how involved you want to be in their lives and remember, expectations are just premeditated resentment.

I totally understand I have a step son with a wife just like that. and I made the mistake of telling them exactly what I thought. they have since moved across country but it really has strained our relationship he is my ex's son but I always treated him like my own. and him and my daughter are real close. but boy I am the bad evil one! good luck!

My mom always says her DIL will "get hers" when SHE is treated by grandson's eventual wife the way mom is being treated by DIL. (Yeah, if grandson ever unties the apron strings!) Anyway, it's all about the grandkids now; I put up with heck to see said sad nephew, and I'm sure his parents feel the same way about me! I would just cook something not too spattery for dinners next time you visit (I've scrubbed down mom's walls, if DIL doesn't cook much, she might be taking to heart that carryout commercial about how to keep your kitchen clean!); also while you're there, cook up and freeze buckets of grandma's chicken soup - the way to kiddies' hearts is still always thru their stomachs. You and your husband were MORE than generous with the wedding; maybe it's always been about the dad (or her parents) more than his little girl, though, and that IS kind of sad. She really wasn't taught (shown) warmth? so how can she share it freely now?

Wow, I had no idea how often this is the story in families.......I almost thought I was reading a post from my friend (who isn't a member here) as it sounded exactly like what she has gone through with one of her son's & his wife.

At least there are miles between you (in more than one way) so you can bow out of participating easier than if they were right in your neighborhood. I can't believe being forced to kick in that much for both the wedding & their honeymoon. What I think is the sadest part of this picture is the values that your grandchildren are being brainwashed into believing......that everything is about money & things. Hopefully they will grow up & reject all of that......but it sounds like since they don't have high paying positions, it must be her parents that are lavishly putting on these spreads that teach no worthwhile values in life other than to try to "impress" others by what a lavish show they can put on.

Hold your values & do what you can for your grandchildren as long as they are appreciating you & hopefully some day they will reject those values of their parents that are so superficial.