[coping_father]

(Original Post in Caregivers group, but felt I might get some support from this area of the site as well)
My daughter (25) suffers from Anxiety, Panic and Depression .. Christmas has not been a good time as she has been all over the place with her meds!
She is involved in a very distructive relationship (so called friends) that I can't seem to get her away from. He will tell her she's a fat lazy b****, she's useless etc., then turn around and profess how much he loves her.
Over the holidays they had decided to call it "friends" and each to their own, she proceeded to see someone else. (Don't think she truly felt comfortable with it)
She was down last night (depressed) called him in a manic state and mentioned the other guy. Now he is going balistic on her and she's it a totally bad state! He is calling her every name under the book.
He can be a really nice kid and she does see the error in her way. But he's just not listening or wanting to listen.
Do I get involved or stay out of it .. Do I try to fix it again .. or Do I just let things happen. I really don't want to see her in the Hospital again.

Any insights would be greatly appreciated ... thanks.

[gimmeice]

I think the best thing you can do for you daughter is let her know that you are there for her. Every time I have seen someone go in and try to fix a situation like this it has only backfired on them and the people involved.

[lynn P.]

Hi coping father - I'm sorry your daughter in this bad relationship. Since you said "should I try to fix it again"...this implies you have tried to help before....is that right? What did you do before? Although I agree with gimmeice, I'm also a parent and I wish when I was younger one of my family members would have convinced me not to get involved with my husband. There were red flags but my emotions wouldn't let be take notice plus I was naive.

I suggest you give her some info on emotionally abusive relationships. This isn't the kind of young man you want your daughter involved with. Sure he's nice sometimes....all abusive men have a charming endearing side - this is how they get women in the first place. Teach your daughter that no friend or partner should ever call her derogatory names or abuse her emotionally. Let her know you will step in if she needs your help, but I pray she cuts him off. This will only end up getting worse and your daughters emotional health is at stake. Here's a good link Sabby put up a while back. Your daughter deserves better but she first needs to get healthy before seeing someone else. This is emotional abuse.

http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/relationships.shtml

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Trying to "fix" this situation isn't really the best idea. Let her know that you are there no matter what she chooses, that you just want her to be happy and are 100% supportive of her decisions. Perhaps recommending she go to therapy for this depression would be a great start if she isn't already in therapy.

It sounds like she didn't make a bad decision, they decided to see other people right? So this "friend" really has no right or reason to be so hard on her.

She will have to make the decision on her own to leave, and unfortunately if you try to persuade her to do so, it will likely backfire on you and she will get even closer to him. My suggestion other than therapy and supporting her would be to very casually bring up fine points, and I mean as casual as you can, about what she really deserves and that you wish she had a man that loved and respected her. Very gently show her that you believe there are better people out there. But I do caution you on this one, if she sees what you're doing she may think you're stepping out of line trying to ruin the relationship and this may drive her closer to him. Perhaps just do small things like wake up and make her breakfast in bed and tell her "One day you'll find a man that does this for you every day, until than I'm here for ya" with a nudge wink or something. Just let her know that you think she deserves the best and maybe she will start to believe it eventually too?

Hope this helps and doesn't make things worse... Take care and good luck, it's not easy trying to help your children when they're grown, they can be so hard headed lol almost like they were a teenager again, almost