What to do with grown son's complaints?

My husband just saw that our 19-year-old son had posted on Facebook that he didn't think we were there for him sometimes when he was growing up. That makes us really sad. We both have Bipolar Disorder (diagnosed later in life) and had less than amazing childhoods ourselves. But, we did the best we could. He was a very demanding child and he overwhelmed us at times, I have to say. He is a wonderful adult son with many accomplishments and talents. Am I wrong to think that it would be best for him not to say such things in a public forum? He has had therapy, but is not in it now. What should we do or say? I am trying to be here for him now, anyway!

Why would it be wrong to express what he is feeling as long as he isn't being abusive about doing it? It's okay that our kids have concerns or issues with what happened growing up. Our oldest son has let us know things like this too, and yes, it makes us sad because we did the best we could. But the reality is that most parents do the best they know how to do and probably come up short somewhere along the line. Sounds like your son is a fine young man now despite that he feels some of his parenting may have been lacking along the way. Unless you left something out, it sounds like he's just being honest, not hateful. There's a difference, a huge difference.

Talk to him about the sadness you feel but try to affirm that it is okay for him to feel what he feels. All you can do is communicate with him now, acknowledge your part if needed. That was his experience, his perspective. While it might not quite match up with your own, it's okay.

I think all children feel like this to some extent, whether their parents had mental issues or not. I agree with everything farmergirl said.

He called and we had a long talk. I feel better now. He basically said that about all the parents he knows are "helicopter parents" and we just didn't fit the "norm." I mean, I have a friend who actually filled out her son's college applications. Gee. I still don't think I am incorrect in thinking that that's getting too carried away!

He is allowed to post about his feelings on the Internet. You have that right here, don't you? I don't believe in shutting feelings in.

Well, actually, I don't post very personal issues on the Internet. I share mine with you folks anonymously or with my therapist or sister. After all, who knows what people will read things on the Internet?

I agree that people should certainly share their very personal feelings, but the open Internet is not the place to do so, IMHO.

If your son needs this to heal, what is more important, his wellbeing or the reputation of the family?

I also grew up with a mentally troubled parent, and it sure was not easy. That doesn't mean I hate my family or want harm on them. But if someone told me I needed to hide everything I would be glad I was an adult now and and could decide for myself.

I understand what you are saying, Jimrat, and I certainly can appreciate your perspective. As it turned out, he said he wasn't trying to be critical of us as his parents, but was in a discussion about that speaker who told a graduating class that "they weren't special." He was indicating that we as his parents were not the "helicopter parents" that most folks of our generation are, so he felt he had missed out on that.

Alas, I am very sensitive to criticism, and I jumped the gun.

As far as his talking to people, he is very open to do that, and he has told most everybody he knows about his mentally-ill parents, including his teachers. As I mentioned, he has had therapy and was free to tell his T anything he wanted to, of course.

I truly know the value of having someone to talk to. My parents had personality disorders and my childhood was not a happy one. In fact, I have been told that had I not had a sister to share the experiences with and to talk about our feelings, then I would have turned out psychotic. I shared my feelings with a teacher in high school as well. (Back then there was no Internet!)

However, that all said, I have never mentioned anything about my childhood experiences and my feelings toward my parents on Facebook. And I never plan to. Of course, since he is an adult, then he can do what he wants. I still say that people need to be careful what they put on their Facebook pages.

I can understand your perspective, Payne. I'm highly sensitive to criticism myself, so I can personally appreciate what you're talking about. It seems that you and your husband just have different ideals than your son does on this issue.

Perhaps you should look at it this way: Are your different ideals that important to you? Will talking with your son change his behavior (tendency to be open about some pains felt in his childhood)? Will talking with your son create some wedge between you? Is it worth it?

Really think about those Q's, and answer them honestly. That will give you the decision that you feel is right for you.

I hope that you are able to grow more comfortable with your son sharing his personal experiences growing up without becoming hurt. I'm sure that it is difficult & I don't look forward to when my daughters reach that phase of their lives. What I do hope (for myself and you) is that our children feel safe enough with us. That they don't fear us freaking out and becoming locked up, to manage our mood. I hope that they are able to go on and live happy, healthy lives.

Very best wishes to you! Take care...

I agree with everything that has been said. But you must remember Payne, and all ANYONE has to do is Google "parenting forums" and this will probably come us (Psych Central) and ANYONE can read it -- anyone at all, all over the world! So it's just like Facebook in a way -- in fact, it's WORSE than Facebook because anyone can read it.

This isn't a private forum by any means. LOL So these "private" responses aren't private at all!

Anyway, I think you must have done a good job with your son, because he sounds like a great guy now. Congrats! Hugs, Lee

True, Leed, but at least I am somewhat anonymous here!

Your son feels comfortable enough with his feelings that he is willing to share them with everyone. I feel that makes you a great parent. One thing I was taught is anything you don't like that your parents did DON'T repeat. If he felt he needed a helicopter parent than he can be one for his kids. Of course all kids miss out because parents can't use all the parenting styles out there. Even if they could that child would miss out on stability. So try not to stress MI or not all parents feel this way. ****, we go through a yearly parenting review with our son to see what changes could make our parenting more effective and I know we'll still "come up short".

I spent two hours on the phone yesterday listening to my son yet again talk about trying to decide more details about his college major, whether he wants to transfer after his sophomore year, etc. I finally had to tell him I had to go because my other son and I had rented a movie, which we were watching when the phone rang, and we really needed to finish it. I am glad to listen and to offer ideas and support, but I sense that even here he expects something out of me that I can't give! He seems to be getting into that worry about making a big mistake and ruining his life. He also wants us to tell him how much money we might be able to give him if he goes to grad school, which he plans to do. He doesn't seem to be satisfied with my saying, "I don't know what the future will hold. We'll help you as much as we appropriately can...." Gee and whew. I'm glad he calls, but I tell him it's his life, and I can't plan all the steps for him. I guess I should be one of the parents he talks about who tells the child, "You are going to be a doctor and that's that!"

I can understand you feeling hurt that he posted how he felt on facebook because on facebook you are using your real name and you are telling your friends and sometimes family and even maybe coworkers how you feel. On these forums we can make up user names and maybe someone who knows us will stumble upon it and figure out that it is us but maybe not. I think i would probably feel the way you do because i am super sensitive too. All you can do is talk to him like you said you did and i'm glad that you feel better about it. I am not a parent but i do realize how difficult a job it is and how you want your kids to be happy with you and you want them to tell you that you did everything right. Unfortunately none of us is perfect so there are no perfect parents. My mom didn't even like the idea of me going to therapy when i started as a teenager because she was concerned i was talking bad about her. My brother is going through some problems with his children and wondering why he can't get through to them. Its always going to be something. But you can only do so much. If you are ill you can't help that. You listened to him talk for 2 hours i'd say that is being there for him. You can't make his choices about life for him but you listened and sometimes listening is the best thing you can do for a person.

Look into your soul and believe you have been the best parents you could be under the circumstances.