[hannabee]

Hello. My youngest daughter just had her first child 3 weeks ago. I am currently here visiting and helping with the new baby. When she first told me she was pregnant (and was considering terminating) I think I made the mistake of telling her I would be around to help her. Her husband is in the military (long term) and is gone 6 months out of the year. There is no way short of divorcing my husband of 30 years, that I can be around to help her. We have discussed me living with them and I really thought I wanted to. Now that it is looming closer I don't know what to do. My husband will be devastated but, I, on the other hand will feel FREE albiet somewhat like I am intruding on her marriage and life. I tried to be a good Mom and I think I did ok...both my daughters have college degrees and have lived independently for several years now. Am I being selfish wanting to leave my marriage or am just having some kind of late life crisis? I am 60 years old. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Travelinglady]

My immediate thought is you're feeling guilty for perhaps promising more than you can reasonably deliver. Obviously you didn't want her to abort your grandchild, so naturally you told her you would help. But now you see what that truly means.

Is there any way you can help other than being right there where she is, away from your husband? Perhaps, for example, you could provide financial help, so she could hire a babysitter and/or even put the little one in some day care at some point.

Is there any way she could move nearer to you and your husband? I know the military provides housing, but.....I assume your husband refuses to move to be where she is, and frankly, I can understand his position, if he does.

My other thought is you made a committment to your husband before you made any commitment to your daughter. I honestly don't think you'd be doing him right by leaving him. I do know some grandparents actually take over the raising of their grandchildren, but I don't know your and your husband's health and desire to take on such a big responsibility.

Have you talked to your daughter about your dilemma? I suggest you not mention leaving your husband as an option and see what she says. She might try to play on your guilt, alas.

Keep us informed. I can tell you are a caring person.

[hannabee]

Thank you for your reply and I apologize if I were to answer sooner, but it is difficult to even get online where I am now (out of the US). Anyway, financial support isnt really necessary as husband makes good money and I don't think she wants child in daycare anyway (unless it is me of course). She has serious student loans and a well paying career (Nurse Practitioner) ahead of her but baby has rather thrown a wrench in the plans. I am not particularly "happily married" and it is difficult to think of my first alliance to my husband and not my child. Both my husband and my health is good, although he has been saying for YEARS that he is not gonna be around much longer! He would never move out of the country to support and be near our daughter...just him..a bit self-centered IMO. (They are here until 2014 and then back to the states but nowhere near where I now live) There really doesn't seem like there is going to be an equitable answer here, I am going to have to choose and it is hard! Ever know anyone in a similar situation and how they chose? Ideally, I should choose what is best for me, but I have isues myself and don't think I really deserve to be happy.

[Travelinglady]

Just respond when you can, dear one! Have you considered talking to a counselor about your situation? It IS a major decision, and I know you want as much input as you can get in a reasonable period of time. Plus, you might explore why you don't feel like you deserve to be happy. I feel sad about that, and I want you to make a decision that will be for the best--and not make one you will regret later, as you said, maybe because you are having a "late-life" crisis.