[Lillyleaf]

Hello! I was just wondering opinions on grounding.

What age to too young? how about too old?

Is there such thing as too long of a grounding? Too short?

Opinions? thoughts?

Just wondering, and thanks!

Lilly Leaf

[nicoleb2]

I think age is hugely different from kid to kid. It really needs to be based on maturity level and how they understand.

As for too old, they are "kids" till they are 18 but again it will depend on the kid

[Victoria'smom]

What counts as "grounding" varies from family to family. So if you explain what you mean by grounding then we can answer better. We have a "rule / punishment book" that the whole family (including our son) agrees on each year to ensure consistency.

[Lillyleaf]

Well, my mom says I can't play my video game until I get my grades up. She decided that yesterday after taking it away for three months, because of I tried to kill myself. I guess that's an example.
In DBT we are also talking about how grounding should be definite. A date to attach on to things. I'm not exactly sure how grounding should work and if I should feel unfair by my mom's punishment, or if I'm just being a teen.

Thoughts?

[Victoria'smom]

Your parents reactions and discipline is quite common, sorry.

Before you read remember I am 29, deal with mental illness, my son's 10.5 currently. He participates in self harm multiple times a day for years, and has had (at least) two suicide attempts thus far.

Currently:
I don't do grounding like that. I will take away things until curtain things are done ie. Home work is not done in x amount of time (twice as long as it should take.) you get x taken away. If it's done on time the next day you get it back. As he gets older volunteering will be his main form of "grounding".

We homeschool but this was / is our plan if he ever chooses / has to enter public school.
As far as grades: If my sons grades were that bad I'd ask for a meeting with the teachers to find a solution. Ie. Stay after school w. teacher and do homework w. them. Mainly so the teacher's understand you are trying. I'd talk to him about why things are so crappy and take notes before the meeting and after so that he can agree with the terms too. He'd go to the Dr.'s making sure there's no physical, mental or learning issues outside his control that are effecting school. Yes this includes a drug test.

I'd probably have him tutor in an adult "learn to read" center or work with kids that really struggle with school. So he'd be volunteering after dinner & weekend for the semester. If he can find time to do other things great he can do them outside all his other obligations. I seriously doubt he'd find the time.

Disciplined to me is for taking the time out to figure out why things are important to us as parents and learn how to avoid getting in trouble again. I believe leaving a person with nothing to do is just begging them to cause trouble.

Now for the suicide attempt:

Remember my husband and I deal with our own mental illness so we're more understanding to it. It's so scary and painful to hear your child doesn't want to survive and tried to end his pain. Some times that comes out in anger and over reacting.

We've dealt with this a couple of times. We talk to him explain he's not bad, we understand and that it just means that his Mental illness is acting up. We talk about what he wants to do about it and what he needs from us. We come up with a plan. We ask if we can inform his dr. and therapist. Whatever he says we call his pdoc and therapist for emergency appointments. We do not inform them why if he says not to. We also look into better options to learn coping skills. ie. more therapy, sports, clubs. His voice weighs heavy in his treatment because at 18 he is fully responsible for his mental health.

As far as mental illness we understand that it's a life long obstacle that can effect every aspect of life including school. All we can do as parents is hope, be an example, teach him how/who to ask for help, teach healthy coping methods, apologize when we're out-of-line, keep lines of communication open, give him tons of outlets and a slew of options if he feels he can't talk to us. As his parents it's our job to advocate for him and teach him to successfully deal with his mental illness.