Sleep issues getting the better of me - Help!

I am a busy mother of an amazing, gifted, volatile eight year old. My life is stressful, and I work hard to balance it all out. I work 60 hours a week, go to college online full time, and manage my household, am a wife and mother. It's been a rough few weeks in my life, I was the victim of a hit and run car accident, and some other problems. I also have post traumatic stress disorder and am in therapy to improve my parenting and work through it.

I've been having difficulty with my daughter not sleeping much or well all her life. She's 8 now. I have consulted with doctors, read books from sleep and parenting experts, tried many strategies (consistently for at least a couple weeks each time), and tried to work on the issue some with my therapist. We do all the basics, a soothing bedtime routine, safe, secure, cheerful room, consistent bedtime and expectations, etc. However, this summer, this last few weeks, my daughter is so anxious and afraid after I tuck her in, I'm having a terrible time coping and helping her much. She's up maybe a couple hours late most nights. She screams when she's upset, it is very very hard for both of us.

Last night was a very bad one again. She said she was scared of mosquitoes, which I understand, then upset because her toe was tingling, etc. There's always something lately, she just gets worked up, anxious, hysterical.

Last night, I was doing the calm, quiet, return her to bed without much fuss thing. We'd been trying to reassure her more, but she kept demanding more and more, so, I felt I had to be more firm to keep things under control. Sometimes, as a mother, I find it SO hard to know if I'm doing the right thing. It kills me, kills me for her to be upset. My PTSD symptoms exacerbate it, I have to work through my panic and upset more. She fought me, didn't want to go back to bed.

Three times, I pushed her shoulders into a lying down position. I think I should not have done that. I feel awful, to be so upset. I did not hurt her, but I hate to use force. It was a mistake maybe. I feel awful. Wretched.

As returning her to bed was not working, I escalated to something I tried the day before that really got her attention. I told her I would need to close her door if she kept screaming, until she laid down quietly. I did end up closing her door, on and off for quite a while. She'd quiet down, I'd open the door, she'd start screaming again. At one point, for a while, she was beating on the door, sticking her fingers underneath it. I felt like a child abuser then. So cruel. I love her more than life. It rips through my heart when she's upset like that. All I want is to gather her up, take care of her, do anything she wants. I don't want to make her so unhappy, but it seems like she needs firm limits, to stay in bed at bedtime, to learn that just because she may feel afraid, she is still safe. We are keeping her safe, sigh

I don't know if it's fair for me to ask you all to be kind. I feel like a complete failure, a monster. I am trying my best. I have struggled with this for years. It was getting much better lately, but summer, we've had a lot of routine upsets, and I don't know, it's just very bad again lately, and I feel completely defeated, like a terrible mother.

You are not a failure. You are not a bad mother. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

I have a beautiful, spirited, extremely gifted eight year old daughter. My daughter does not have the same extreme sleep or bedtime issues that your daughter has (though there are some days when she has trouble with falling asleep and will push my patience to the limit). However, she does have her fair share of behavior and attitude issues that can really push me to my limits and leave me feeling like a horrible mom. And I know how frustrating and even shameful it can feel to feel like I've been a bad mom or made the worst parenting mistake ever, only to have other people insist on what a wonderful mom I am. I've tried to make true confessions to make them understand I'm not the great mom they think I am...they won't buy into it. Even after hearing me confess some of my worst parenting moments people who really know me and my daughter (including therapists or pdocs) insist I'm still a good mom.

So here are some things I've learned (though admittedly sometimes they're easier to say and believe when talking to someone else than to always believe about oneself)...

Parenting a gifted child is different and harder than many would assume. They have their own unique set of challenges. I love my daughter just the way she is but there's really not much about parenting her that is easy.

All parents will make mistakes or at the very least have moments they wish they had handled differently. This does not automatically make you a bad parent, it makes you human.

A truly bad parent would not be replaying the event over and over in their head, analyzing their every move to determine if and where they went wrong or how they could handle it differently next time. The fact that you are so bothered by your actions (which you said did not actually hurt her, just physically forced her into bed) shows you're not a bad parent. You might decide to put that on your mental list of not-your-finest-parenting-moments but it doesn't make you a bad mom. If that's the worst thing you ever have or ever will do, you're doing pretty good.

I get it...I am bipolar and have PTSD. I hate when I feel like my issues are getting in my way of being the parent I want to be. You can only do the best you can do in each individual moment. There will be things along the way that you wish you had handled differently...every good parent has those moments whether or not they have a mental illness. I think we have to try not to get hung up on the individual, isolated incidents but keep our eye on the big picture. How is your parenting and her childhood if you look at the overall, big picture instead of trying to tear yourself apart by isolating momentary weaknesses where no one was actually harmed?

I read a great, short blog post recently about keeping things in perspective as a parent. If I can find it I'll come back and post a link. In the meantime, try not to be so hard on yourself. And if you'd like to talk, because it sounds like we may have a lot in common, feel free to PM me.

As promised...a short blog post I read recently about parenting perception vs reality.

Perception vs Reality

You are very kind to reply. I do find she is difficult to parent as a gifted little girl. I love her more than life. I hate to fail her, to not know and do the most perfect thing in every moment. People say I'm a good mom too- I think maybe you and I do have a lot in common. I have told my therapist every single worst moment I can think of, she says I'm a good mom in a difficult situation.

I just do not know.

All I know is I try and try and try. There is a lot more to me as a parent than those worst moments. I have created an otherwise safe, stable, fun, structured life for her I think. I try so very hard.

But you know how it feels, maybe, to feel like a failure, 1000 times over. I will have to read and reread your post, when I'm not so busy and tired. Thanks for sharing, so much.

It might help if your daughter started therapy too if she isn't in it already. Her temper tantrums and now not sleeping is an issue that can be addressed in therapy. Ask your therapist for referrals. Good luck.

Leah123, I have no words of wisdom as my son is now 15 and does his own thing. I remember the days he refused to sleep though. Your post touched me though and I really don't think you are doing anything wrong. If anything, you are going above and beyond with patience for your little girl. I wish you the very best and will keep checking in here for updates.

Thanks all, very much. She has been having a rough few weeks sleeping, summer has brought many upsets to our routine, which I don't think helps, and I myself have been extraordinarily busy and having a painful time in my therapeutic work and some tough current events.

I ordered a Cloud B light-up ladybug to her routine at my therapist's suggestion, we got it Thursday, to snuggle with in bed, and decided to add a nightime walk to our bedtime routine to hopefully help excise some of her energy and anxiety, so we can have a nice chat and some extra quality time also.

All I can say is it is very hard, but... last night was our first walk, and it took some effort and struggle on my part, but she was asleep 45 minutes after I put her to bed, which was better than the last week. I am praying some of this works.

The trouble is it really really aggravates my panic/anxiety response, I get SO upset and I never know if things will get better or worse, because she's always had sleep issues. They were getting better earlier this year, before summer, but not it's hard to see progress.

If children don't go to bed at the right time, and stay up too late, it's harder for them to fall asleep. Also, if you are with or near your child when they go to bed, it take longer for them to fall asleep. If she doesn't know how to fall asleep on her own, then that is a problem.
Whatever method you choose to do, stick to it, don't waver, keep a blank face. If you return her to bed, keep doing it and don't say a word to her and show her that you will not give up.Period. If she cries hystrerically, it will be over in a day, or two, or three. And then there will be peace. But, each successive day the hysterics will be shorter. DO NOT GIVE IN. Once you give in, it's worse than starting all over b/c she knows that enough of her crying will make you cave and it will be harder. I PROMISE, after a few days, she will stay in bed without crying and fall asleep on her own.

I know this was a while ago, but I just saw this and I wanted to tell you I loved your link from the Scary Mommy website & love the site, itself. Thanks you for putting some perspective into MY day/week!

Best,
tarin