Is Something Wrong With My Son?

Hello, I'm here because I desperately need help and advice.
I think something is mentally wrong with my 2, almost 3 year old son. This post will be quite long and I'm sorry for that.

When he was born, he was a very happy, but picky baby. He had to be close to me all the time (his mom) and would cry when held by someone else.
As he grew, it was obvious he was very smart and could pick things up quickly. He started being hard to control by around 18 months of age. He quickly figured out how to open (and unlock) doors , how to climb out of his crib, how to climb over the baby gate etc. This meant he got into everything.

Just before he hit two, the tantrums started. I figured it was the terrible twos starting as his older sister went through the same thing around that age. The problem is, his tantrums are completely different. It's almost like he'll find anything to have a tantrum about. I'll explain using an example.

When put him to bed, we (my husband and I) give our kids a 'cuddle and a kiss' goodnight. When we go to do so with my son, he'll say "No cuddle and a kiss!" so I used to try and use reverse physiology on him and I'd say something like, "Fine, no cuddle and kiss for 'Adam' tonight" he'd then of course get upset and want one. Well, the problem is he figured out this game and now uses it on us, but for EVERYTHING.
Now when we put him to bed I'll say "Give me a cuddle and a kiss." and he'll shake his head no. So I say fine, and go to leave, he then wants one, so I would go to give him one and again, shaking his head no. I'd go to leave, he wants one.
Well figuring I wouldn't put up with this, I'd tell him to give me one at night and if he said no, that was it and I'd leave. Well, then he would have a tantrum and scream about a cuddle and a kiss. Not only would he scream, he would get out of bed and kick, hit and punch his door. We started locking his door with a hook and eye for his safety as he can unlock the front door and leave in the middle of the night. (He would do so as well!)
Anyway, this 'changing his mind over and over' happens ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY.

He'll say he wants one thing, and change his mind as soon as I agree, then if I agree with that, he'll change his mind again.

Getting him dressed in the morning is a nightmare. He'll want to stay in his PJs and since I'm a stay at home mom, I'll say, fine (as he has no school or daycare) and then he'll change him mind to wanting to get dressed.

It drives me insane.

If I force him to get dressed, he'll kick , scream, wriggle and whatever he can to stop me from dressing him.

I've tried time out.
I've tried spanking him.
I've tried bribing him.
I've tried agreeing with him on everything.
I've tried ignoring him.

I've tried everything.

When I used to lock him in his room when he'd have a tantrum, he would kick his door as I said. One time I left him to kick it and he kicked it so much, he made his toes bleed and didn't even notice.

He's kicked it so much, the piece of wood along the side of the frame (the stop thingy) has come off. The top one is now starting to come off as well.

I admit, he's driven me to the point of slapping him in the face as he just won't stop. This does nothing to affect him. He doesn't even register it. I feel awful for doing it and I feel like I'm a terrible mother.

His older sister has NEVER acted like this. Not even close.

He doesn't listen either. He never registers us saying his name to him, or if he does, he ignores it.

This morning he wanted a banana and I told him no since we were going to have lunch shortly (and for the last month he doesn't eat them, but smoosh them up on the table)
He then started screaming for lunch. I told him it wasn't time for lunch yet, and I had to finishing breastfeeding his 3 month old sister first.
Well he stood in front of my chair going on and on about lunch. "Get luuuunch. Get luuuunch. Get luuuunch. Get luuuunch."
I kept telling him;
"When I finish feeding your sister in 15 minutes, we'll have lunch."
"Get luuuunch"
"15 minutes"
"Get luuunch"
"14 minutes"
"Get luuunch"
"When I finish feeding your sister in 10 minutes, we'll have lunch."
"Get luuunch"
"What did I tell you?"
"Get luuunch"

It just didn't register. He would still go on about having lunch that instant and couldn't comprehend what I was telling him.

I'm seriously questioning whether or not something is wrong with him or me. Maybe he's fine and I'm doing something wrong. I just don't know anymore.

He honestly never listens, ever. It's like talking to a wall.

On the other side of the coin, he is the sweetest, most loving little boy. He is smart as a whip and picks things up so quickly, he has surpassed his older sister (14 months older) in some things like language.

Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong?

Whew! Parenting is definitely a struggle sometimes.

Fact: Some kids are definitely more challenging than others; some are super-easy in comparison.

My older daughter has been a real challenge for us emotionally and physically. We noticed her extreme moods in the first year, and bought "The Fussy Baby" by Dr. Sears. I wasn't real happy to read what it had to say, and I was really tired, so the book kind of disappeared. In recollection though, I can say that this book was pretty spot-on with my daughter's moods and behaviors.

A few tips:

1.) Please don't spank or hit. I know how difficult little ones are, and how frustrating they can be at times (I was a stay-at home mom too). But, spanking almost always comes back to bite us in the rear later.

2.) If your son wants to wear pj's all day, go with it. Even if you're going somewhere...who cares?? No one, but you maybe. It isn't worth all of the stress of the struggle.

3.) Save your struggles for the really big issues. Otherwise, don't make an issue out of it. When your son is kicking and hitting, ask him if he wants a hug. Assure your son that you love him, but hitting & kicking is not appropriate. It is NOT allowed. Give him other ideas on how to express his frustration. Talk about what's bothering him, give hugs, etc. It is a bit difficult to get this ball rolling, but it does work! It just takes some extra time, calm demeanor (on your part ~ even though you feel a lot of emotions inside), and persistence.

4.) Make sure that your son gets special time to spend with you alone, as well as special time to spend with daddy alone too. It can be tough to put into your schedule with 3 little ones ~ but your son needs some extra attention. That's why his behavior is going a little haywire right now. While it's negative attention, it is attention that he's getting from you. So, make sure that your son gets lots of positive attention!

5.) Set a timer ~ When it goes off, then it's lunchtime; playtime; end of playtime; and so on. Kids do really well with the timer! As they get older, you can tell them, "Five more minutes, and then.." Let it go from there. Don't continue to repeat yourself. If he continues to press you about how long it will be, refer him to look at the timer. He may complain that it's SO LONG, ask him to draw a picture or read x book to you.

6.) Then comes the tv... Personally, I have always been a stickler for my girls not watching too much tv, and sticking to educational shows. Kids get hooked so fast ~ and it's really not the stimulation that they're looking for. IMO, try to limit their time to less than an hour a day. Otherwise, keep the tv off or left onto a music tv station to listen to. Use that hour wisely ~ during a time when you really need a break (snuggling with your baby, eating in peace, etc.); otherwise, stick to 15-20 minute intervals here & there.

I had a great book (which I've held onto) that teaches fun songs to sing and play with little ones. "Songs and Games for Toddlers" by Carol Gnojewski I still sing a couple of the songs in this book to my girls every night as they're going to sleep. (They're now ages 9 and 11! )

I am not trying to sound as though I'm a perfect mom, so I hope that it hasn't come across that way. These are just some things that I have learned over the past 11 years. There have been times where my older daughter has scared the bejeezers out of me! She is now almost as big as I am, and she likes to remind me of that every now and then. Not fun! Then, despite my fears, I use those same techniques & tell her that I love her very much, but I don't like that thing/s that she said & did. (Always done after the dust has settled though) First thing is the hug.

I hope that this helps you ~ gentle hugs sent your way. You have got a lot on your plate with 3 little ones under age 5 at home to care for.

He is his own person. Maybe he senses you want him to be different and he is trying to protect himself? I know patience is hard but you can pretend patience. Slapping a child like that, there are simply no excuses. If you cannot control your own anger, how will he ever be able to control his? He is just a child with a still non developed frontal cortex. You, have one.

I have always said, 3's were worse than 2's, hands down. My oldest, is the son that gave me a run for my money.

It's a big developmental change for kids. I have had trouble with the time out method, trying to tend to the other two, who find it like a spectator show, and trying to get them to not, and get the one who is beyond consolable to sit there, it just wasn't a method I really could ever get a handle on.

My three are school aged now. My oldest, is still the one prone to meltdowns that are longer than the others. As he is growing older, he's less and less apt to act out. He's a really friendly, intelligent, witty young man. Gets along great with his peers and sure, he and I butt heads more than myself and my other two, but have faith, this too, shall pass.

Maybe, your son is just high strung? It's tough, being in the middle, for many.

I have actually sent my kids, to school, in PJ's. Well, more when it was preschool, than elementary, but even that has happened, even if just the shirt not the bottoms or vice versa. ((mine are 10, 8, 6))

Thanks very much everyone, It's nice to know that he's probably just a normal 2, almost 3 year old kid. I was really worried knowing that he would go to such lengths in a tantrum as to hurt himself and not notice.

Shezbut, I do let him wear his PJ's all day. The problem arises when his older sister gets dressed. He will say he wants to get dressed too, then change his mind when I try to dress him. Then change his mind again when I agree to let him stay in his PJ's. I just don't know if this is normal for kids to change their minds just to stay being mad.
He's getting what he wanted, but he still changes his mind. I don't know if he does it to anger me, because he likes confrontation, or because he figures it's some sort of game to play.
Thank-you for all the suggestions.

Jimi I know he's his own person. I am not trying to change who he is and in fact I try to let him be himself all the time. I let him make decisions on what he would to wear, eat, do, play etc every day. The only thing I'm trying to change about him is his constant need to flip flop on what he wants, and his destructive and self-harming behaviour.
I know slapping him was wrong and I immediately regretted doing so. I feel like an awful mother for doing it and I'm sure I'm going to regret my mistake for the rest of my life.

healinginme4me; time out worked so wonderfully with my first daughter. She would sit patiently and calm down in no time. I tried it with my son when he was a little over 1 and it never seemed to work. I could spend forever trying to get him to stay in time out and he would just keep screaming/kicking and running off that I gave up.
I can assure you he is very high-strung. He has energy up the wazoo and from what my MIL tells me, his dad was the exact same way (he was also the middle of 3 kids) She told me he gave her so much trouble that seeing my son act like he does takes her back to when my husband was 3.
If he continues to be like my husband was as a child, he'll finally calm down around his late 20's LOL

Thanks again guys for listening to my rant.

I don't agree that your child is a typical 2/3 year old. Typical 2/3 year olds don't hurt themselves when they tantrum without noticing. My suggestion is to go to your son's pediatrician and ask for a referral for psychotherapy. You need to work on repairing your relationship with your son. He sounds like he is going to need help managing his emotions. The earlier you get started with helping him the better.

I didn't read, he actually hurt himself,,she expressed worry he could. ?

Therapy for tantrums?

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yes, I also saw that he hurt himself while kicking the bedroom door to get out. I was going to suggest you talk with your pediatrician and perhaps have him tested for autism. He could be only "somewhere on the spectrum" and intervening early is really important. good luck and please keep us posted.

I will say, with my oldest, tried counseling, when he was 7ish, because of this high strung thing, she recommended a rewards chart for tantrum free days.

It was good, timing, had her there, to help discuss, both my moms cancer and divorce.

Stopped, when Mom died, divorce finalized, had trouble getting there, schedule changed.

Signed him up, at school, through the guidance office, for a lunch buddies program, talk about 'feelings' . Currently, she's on standby, because my home life changed, due to kids observing violence in home, from my ex, but honestly, my kids aren't showing anything abnormal, at,school. Good students, normal, age appropriate behavior.

Schools, preschool are good resources, too.

tantrum free chart, meh. Turned into, something more concerning, as in if you give me, this, then I'll be good, not other way.

You May find, he's highly sensitive(forget name of book), & May need more one on one, with you, as he grows older.

I will say, my oldest turns to me, for everything, birds and bees talks, included.

There's a light, at end of tunnel

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I see you are in Canada. Look at CBC kids for Poko if it is still on. If not, see if your library has the dvds. These really helped with my son and dealing with emotions and frustrations. Although we did not know it at the time my son has Aspergers but the dvds gave him some coping skills that he still uses at 8. Three is definitely a challenging age, not a baby but not big enough to do a lot of things.

Maybe because he is the middle child that he is craving attention from you and the only way to do get it is act up. Perhaps he is just hard work. All kids are different as you know. I think you should give yourself a day off from the kids as we all need one of those and God knows you deserve one! Best wishes.

you mentioned nursing an infant.
Okay. Defiant 3 year old, middle child, temper tantrums, new baby....my middle child acted the same way for all the same reasons.
This may not be the case for you but just another mama trying to help out. (((hugs)))

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Please, please stop using reverse psychology on your son to get him to do what YOU want. You have an issue yourself with needing to give him a certain type of attention, that HE does not want. He isn't your clay to mold. He is his own person. By not giving him the kind of attention HE LIKES you will screw him up immeasurably. Don't try to control him. He is smart, which means he might be sensitive. A tantrum means he isn't getting his emotional needs met, because you're too busy trying to fulfill your emotional needs through him.

Stephen Covey has a great quote that applies to people of all ages: Seek first to understand, then seek to be understood. It seems you want your child to understand what you want him to do... but he is telling you something very different about how he wants to be treated. Ignore him at your and his peril.

Good luck

When I was three I still couldn't count to 15 and I definitely couldn't do it backwards. Maybe I was abnormal. 15 minutes 14, 13... wouldn't have meant anything to me.