Help with my stepson - bullying, fantasy living, etc.

I love my 13 year old stepson and it hurts me tremendously to see him struggle. He has no friends at all. He says he has a handful at school, but they never call him or invite him to do things and they don't respond to his calls or invitations. What's more, he says they show their friendship by punching him and telling him things like they are going to blow up his house. He has been picked on and ostracized by his peers for years, and he won't do anything to prevent the physical punishment he endures. I don't expect him to start picking fights, but it sure would be nice if he tried to block punches or kicks aimed at him. Instead, he tries to verbally defend himself by taking his biological mother's advice and saying things like "Jesus loves you" to the bullies. As you can imagine, this just invites even more taunts and torment. Over the past year and a half, I have watched him withdraw more and more to the point where I am very concerned about his mental health. He has picked a few interests, like Legos and Minecraft, to occupy his time. While this would be fine, he has carried it to the extreme and lives in a complete fantasy land where each of his Lego people have names, personal histories, characteristics, etc. He has created entire lives, villages, battles, economic systems, etc. for these toys and talks about them non-stop. Other people cringe when they are around him because all he will talk about are these toys in every minute detail, and will not stop talking about them even when others say they aren't interested or don't want to hear any more about them. Additionally, his total consumption with these fantasies makes it even more difficult for him to relate to other kids and makes him even more of a target. This can't be normal and I don't know what to do in order to help him and have his teenage years at least be tolerable and somewhat pleasant. I would appreciate any advice because I'm at a total loss. Just for background info, we have tried single participant sports (karate) and team sports (basketball), and even tired clubs (Civil Air Patrol and Boy Scouts). He has never taken them seriously (not wanting to practice) and ends up not wanting to participate after a few months. We've tried giving advice about to have friends you have to first be a friend, which never works because he doesn't care about what interests other people and only wants to talk about or do what he likes (which is Legos and Minecraft). Also, several years ago he was tested for Autism/Aspergers but the psychologist said she could find no indicators. Part of me wonders if this diagnosis was inaccurate because he has several hallmarks of autism/Aspergers, such as the extremely narrow focus, poor coordination, poor social skills, extremely startled by loud noises, etc. Please help!

hi katniss
there are plenty of counseling programs out there that offer social skills training for kids. maybe you could seek one of them out for him. Welcome to Psych Central. You will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. You will get a lot of support here. Again, welcome.

With the DSM-V, it is much, much harder for the autism spectrum, dx. Not to say, he may not be somewhere on that spectrum, but you'll be hard pressed to find anyone to dx it, now, that the parameters have radically changed.

Is the school involved, for evaluation? What does his pediatrician say? Those in position to dx, anything, are hard pressed to go, based upon parental insistence.

He is resorting to an inner fantasy life, with his games, which does sound concerning, the amount of withdrawing he is doing in society. Is it, adults, that are cringing? Who is cringing? Because, it is a reality in this world we live in, that kids are really into these games. Does he have on-line friends, at least? Other's to play these games with?

Are there any computer programming classes for kids, offered locally?

I would ask him about the possiblity of starting a self defense class, some sort of martial arts. Not so he can beat the other kids up, but to increase his self confidence and to give him a more controlled setting to meet other kids and maybe make some friends.

I wen to high school with a VERY religious guy who was shy quiet and the state's Golden Glove boxing champion in his age/weight division. Needless to say nobody picked on him and he NEVER got into any fights (outside of the boxing ring).

A re evaluation from another doctor would be beneficial. When you put him in a sport or activity make it a rule that if he joins he attends, follows throu and completes it. Maybe he can join an art class . Students and teachers in that area are very open. He may be focusing on his toys because it is what he has control over. This will subside as ohe feels more comfortable with his life, but I recommend counselling or a small group he can join for support. Even if its a church group but a local mental health group would seem best. There might be support groups for parents ltrying to diagnose or figure out their childs behaviors, that you can join.

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My nephew has early bipolar disorder and sensory issues and he focused on his interests in the same manner. He has the same habits as your stepson. It could also be anxiety, depression, adhd, or autism

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In many ways, your stepchild reminds me of myself growing up.

I had a very active fantasy world when I was 13, only mine involved Super Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, etc. I had detailed theories about Dragons, the Aliens from the Alien franchise, and every other fandom that I got into.

This made me a popular kid in creative writing. Not so much elsewhere. But I survived and I grew up and I'm a fairly functioning adult now. So while I know you posted this a while ago, (On my 31st birthday coincidentally) I hope this can still be of some help to you.

This I would address pretty quickly because these are serious threats and those kids need to learn that in this day and age, such comments cannot be allowed to slide. Even if you can't get the school on board, a report to the police department might be a good idea so that you have something on record. This is only case something does happen.

You may not be able to change how he reacts to their words and actions. The good news is he is sticking up for himself, just not in the way you would like, which I can understand. I was never very physical either.

Every situation is different. I think what helped me was that I did have some very minor support from my family. At the very least, my mother never tried to force me to be anything I wasn't. She let me be an individual and figure things out for myself. I'm not saying you don't respect your child's individuality, I'm just saying that for the time being, it might be a good idea to focus on the positive aspects of his personality.

Does he get into trouble with the law? Is he on drugs? He likes Minecraft and Lego? Perfect. There's a Lego store in many malls that he could get a job in. He might be perfect for it.

If he likes the idea that he could turn his passions into a career, that could be a good starting point in trying to help him with interpersonal relationships.

I hope that's helpful in someway. Like I said, your son is basically me at 13, so I can empathize greatly.