[livelaughlove22]

I am taking care of my friends 5 year old daughter for a while. Her and her ex husband are divorced and she recently discovered that anytime her daughter has been at his house the past two years and a half years, she's been sexually abused by him and his friends.It hit the mother very hard that this happened to the little girl and she is going to get help for depression, before living with her daughter again because she doesn't want the environment to be unstable.

She's a very independent little girl and doesn't like being touched, nurtured, held or anything. Her therapist told me ideas for how to get her to attach to me, but they aren't working. She is not a mother, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice from a motherly prospective of what to do here. She won't let me make her anything to eat, read to her, put her to sleep or anything.

[kaliope]

just do everything you would do for a normal child and then make the offer to her that it is there and step back for her to accept it. that is all you can do. heres lunch here on the table for you, when you are ready you can eat. she will do things in her own time when she feels safe. take care.

[Perna]

I don't know that she can attach to you since those she was attached to, her parents, have mistreated or abandoned her. My mother died when I was 3 and I know the women my father introduced me to, had care for me when he could not, did not feel like "mine" and thinking about my father not coming back to pick me up made me feel horrible when I was with them and not want to become attached (as it would make it "true" that he was not coming back -- magical thinking). Even today, at 64, I am uneasy being in other people's homes, my stepson's/daughter-in-law's and grandchildren's included, feeling they are "not mine" and I will somehow get stuck in them.

I would talk to her about her mother and reassure her her mother will be coming to her soon and ask her mother to call and talk to/reassure her daughter she will be back, etc. too (have her mother make a tape you could play for her?). I would get some of the girl's objects, toys, whatever, from her mother so she could have familiar objects around her too and would just sit with her, not doing other "chores" or activities but just being in the same space as her. If I could sing :-) I would sing children songs she might know or I would read children's books out loud and talk about them as if she were there and a participant (but not ask anything of her). I would not leave her "alone" with her thoughts (and she does have them) but would try to gear most of what I do to doing it "with" her. If she had friends, I would try to make play dates with them, anything from her life she may recognize and enjoy or feel safe/normal around.

[buzz bee]

That poor little girl. I hope they arrested his horny little butt. Some people are so sick.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

She's a very independent little girl and doesn't like being touched, nurtured, held or anything. Her therapist told me ideas for how to get her to attach to me, but they aren't working. She is not a mother, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice from a motherly prospective of what to do here.

If I were you, I'd first of all try to put my self in the child's place to understand and FEEL what the troubled child is feeling/thinks. Then, I'd go back to the therapist and ask for more ideas for how to get her to attach to me. I am not "motherly" but I would look high and low to come up with some strategies to HELP the child.

She won't let me make her anything to eat, read to her, put her to sleep or anything.

If I were you, I would take a hands off approach and patiently allow the child to come to trust and respect me so that she is setting the pace for how our relationship will evolve and get hopefully better. This is how I handled a frightened and nervous young dog that was obviously abused by some man before we took him in off the streets. He was comfortable with my wife (a female) but not with me (a male). He came to love and trust both of us!
good luck,
jim

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

She's a very independent little girl and doesn't like being touched, nurtured, held or anything. Her therapist told me ideas for how to get her to attach to me, but they aren't working. She is not a mother, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice from a motherly prospective of what to do here. She won't let me make her anything to eat, read to her, put her to sleep or anything.

I'd take the approach of taking it very slow. Take things, at a close distance, I'd suspect. Downplay, in your mind, all the visions of what nurturing would seem like. Sometimes, an approach as though, this is a new roommate, yet, she's a minor. Does she at least go to sleep, when told it's bedtime? Like a friend that has just been through the ringer, your very presence could be enough. How is she eating, if she isn't allowing you to make things?

Offering her, a safe environment could be just what she needs right now. Let her come to you, when she's ready.

One Day ... One Hour ... One Minute ...

Patient, Gentle & Kind ...

Hopefully time will allow her to begin to trust adults again.

Here's a for the both of you.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[Can't Stop Crying]

Just be there...if she talks, listen - if she cries, ask if she wants to be held. Her recent life has taught her that people that should care about her, hurt her.

Let her control as much as she reasonably can.

Thank you for helping her - the world needs more people like you. And I think with time, she will see you as a rock in her chaotic world. Don't give up on her!

from a survivor of csa and mother of 2

[Fuzzybear]

Some great replies here. I send my support