[livelaughlove22]

I am taking care of my friends 5 year old daughter for a while. Her and her ex husband are divorced and she recently discovered that anytime her daughter has been at his house the past two years and a half years, she's been sexually abused by him and his friends.It hit the mother very hard that this happened to the little girl and she is going to get help for depression, before living with her daughter again because she doesn't want the environment to be unstable. Originally she was supposed to be returned to her soon, but it does not look like that will be happening, I will be getting custody for about 2 years.

I don't know what's wrong with her today. She doesn't have school and ever since she woke up she's been completely contrary. She has hit me 5 times and kicked me whenever I've asked her to do something. I'm not being mean to her either. I said "can you please pick up your toys" "would you like something to eat?" "You seem a little tired do you think you should take a rest?" I've tried asking her what's wrong and she's kicked me, I don't know what to do.

I've put her in timeout and she screams and kicks and hides.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Does she say anything or just kick and hit?

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Does she say anything or just kick and hit?

She's saying things like "no" and "I don't have to listen to you" and "go away"

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

She's saying things like "no" and "I don't have to listen to you" and "go away"

That's a tough situation. Sorry. I'd go see a counselor or shrink to help me figure it all out rather than to a forum - but that's just me.
Sorry,
jim

[Can't Stop Crying]

A couple of ideas...

1.Does she like music? If she does you could put on some crazy music and say something like - I'm having a tough day, I'm going to dance the grumpies out - and then just start dancing and acting silly. See if she is watching you, if she is, ask her if she has any grumpies she wants to dance out.

2. Bring her out side and have a screaming contest - say something like....I'll bet I can scream louder than you..

3. Let her play in the bathtub with washable fingerpaints....encourage her to get really messy and then show her/have her help clean it up.

still thinking...I'll post more if I come up with anything

Hang in there!

[livelaughlove22]

I may have to punish her past a timeout. She just kicked my dog and pulled her tail. When I told her no she bit me.

[Can't Stop Crying]

put her in a chair and hold her there....if you have trouble keeping her in the chair...put her on your lap and in a bear hug so she can't run away....tell her that kicking the dog hurts the dog....tell her that when she bit you, it hurt....hold her in the bear hug until she is still...and then ask her if she wants a fresh start for today....if she won't calm down or starts kicking, biting, etc. Do the exact same thing again

we did this for kids in a daycare that I worked at that had emotional struggles

should add this is a technique I found successful, others might have different opinions

[Can't Stop Crying]

Originally Posted by jimmy rich

That's a tough situation. Sorry. I'd go see a counselor or shrink to help me figure it all out rather than to a forum - but that's just me.
Sorry,
jim

I do not find criticizing someone who is trying their best to parent a hurt child very supportive at all!

Maybe....if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Parents are here for support and advice - not judgement

but of course this is not advice, just my opinion

[Can't Stop Crying]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

I may have to punish her past a timeout. She just kicked my dog and pulled her tail. When I told her no she bit me.

How are things now with her?

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

How are things now with her?

I made her sit with me in timeout, thank you for that you were right. It worked for a little while and then she started up again. She kicked me in the stomach just now when I told her not to throw rocks.

[Victoria'smom]

Instead of "can" or " would " or any questions can you start saying "we have to/we're going to....." and always say thank-you for little things.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I know it's tough, just keep holding her in timeout every time she hits, kicks, bites, etc. And then after you let her go, if she acts up again, do it again....

How are you doing with all this? Is there anyone who can take her for a little while to give you a break?

[Can't Stop Crying]

An article about spanking that will make you think:

Why you shouldn't hit your kids.

Uncommon Parenting

KidsHealth - the Web's most visited site about children's health

Here are a few links that I pulled from the Healthy Parent Resources above...

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Here are a few links that I pulled from the Healthy Parent Resources above...

Thank you so much. I have no plans to give her a spanking as of now. It would take a lot to get me to do that and I hope I never have to resort to it.

[Can't Stop Crying]

hang in there! if there is anything I can do, just holler!

[cryingontheinside]

Ive watced the nanny programs a few time. She helps families with out of control children you are doing absolutely the right thing by reaching out for help. When she is being naughy give her a warning if you dont start behaving your going to time out. When she carries on dont speak to her while the timeout is going on, you can sit with her there but dont speak or give her any attention. After time out is over tell her the reason why you put her in time out and tell her you love her.
Do you read her srories at night? Does she get enough sleep and does she have a healthy diet?
Please keep posting. We are here for you.
I would also fo activities with her like drawing or painting . Its a way of her expressing what shes feeling and what shes been through
Hang in there!
Good luck

[cryingontheinside]

I woud agree with you not to hit her as how can anyone teach a child that hitting biting and kicking is wrong by hitting? I feel for you and the little girl.

[Puglife]

This poor little girl has been abused by her father and essentially abandoned by her mother. Of course she is going to act out. I agree that counseling for both of you needs to be a priority.

I have a five year old and it is a tough age even without that history. How is she at school or with other adults? Do you use a sticker chart to earn rewards? Positive reinforcement is always better than negative reinforcement.

This is a lot to take on and I wish both of you the best.

[cryingontheinside]

Does she get to ser her mum at all? Even in a supervised visits. Sorry for asking so many questions, just i really feel for this little girl and for you. You are an amazing person for doing this. And it sounds like a very difficult job

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

Thank you so much. I have no plans to give her a spanking as of now. It would take a lot to get me to do that and I hope I never have to resort to it.

Plus, due to your circumstances, corporeal punishment may be entirely out of the equation. By virtue of circumstances.

I agree, in speaking, remove all passive statements. As much sympathy for her emotional fragility, you are the adult in charge.

I like the hold technique. My middle son responds best to it, haven't had many but just holding settles him, it's comfort actually and a means to stop aggressive behavior. Had a nurse friend tell me about this technique long before I became a mom. (Adding: soft gentle shhhhhhhhh, shhhhhh, not shush, but like a gentle white noise, it's ok...thing doing that)

May be the only way to curb her aggressive behavior. Remember her emotions aren't in the normal ranges.

How's she today?

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Plus, due to your circumstances, corporeal punishment may be entirely out of the equation. By virtue of circumstances.

I agree, in speaking, remove all passive statements. As much sympathy for her emotional fragility, you are the adult in charge.

I like the hold technique. My middle son responds best to it, haven't had many but just holding settles him, it's comfort actually and a means to stop aggressive behavior. Had a nurse friend tell me about this technique long before I became a mom. (Adding: soft gentle shhhhhhhhh, shhhhhh, not shush, but like a gentle white noise, it's ok...thing doing that)

May be the only way to curb her aggressive behavior. Remember her emotions aren't in the normal ranges.

How's she today?

She is even worse today. I don't know what to do anymore. I had to give her a spanking earlier - I felt horrible and it was only 4 and they weren't really hard. She broke a vase on purpose and was hitting and kicking and out of control. I don't want to spank her ever again.

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Does she get to ser her mum at all? Even in a supervised visits. Sorry for asking so many questions, just i really feel for this little girl and for you. You are an amazing person for doing this. And it sounds like a very difficult job

She isn't allowed to for 6 months then she will get occasional supervised visits. Thank you so much. That's very sweet of you to say.

[healingme4me]

Be gentle on yourself

She sounded very out of control, yesterday. Did it bring her back from the edge?

[livelaughlove22]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Be gentle on yourself

She sounded very out of control, yesterday. Did it bring her back from the edge?

It worked for a little while. She went and say quietly with her dolls. Then I talked to her about it and she said the spanking didn't still hurt but it hurt her feelings

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by livelaughlove22

It worked for a little while. She went and say quietly with her dolls. Then I talked to her about it and she said the spanking didn't still hurt but it hurt her feelings

Does she have an upcoming visit with her mom? Some with anxiety get nerved before. Many typically ask how visits were, after, but sometimes it's behavior before that displays anxiety. Does she act out, at school? If so, she maybe entitled to an Individual Education Plan.