School Refusal

Both my kids are having issues with school attendance, but when I talked with my youngest daughter's T on Monday, she told me we will put "work on school refusal" on the treatment plan. What I did not know is that it is actually a diagnosis in the DSM5, I thought it was "refusing to go to school."

Has anyone heard of this, how in the world do you overcome it, and how can I stay out of jail? My six year old is already in danger of failing 1st grade due to excessive absences, and it's only the 10th week of school.

I have a meeting with the Vice Principal and DD's guidance counselor tomorrow, I'm trying to figure out what in the world to do about this.

Any and all advice welcome, thanks in advance.

generally the school says that you have to send the kids no matter what their excuses....you don't say why your son has missed so many days...what are you doing/not doing that the kids aren't making it to school. when they say they aren't going or don't feel good, do you let them boss you around and let them stay home or do your forcibly take them to school.

some schools have truancy officers that will come to your home and take the kids to school.

you will find out tomorrow. work on a plan with the shool. they have been through this many times before and have a number of solutions.

The suggestion for school refusal is usually just making the kid go no matter what. If your 6 year old for example refuses to go to school. Carry her to the car and take her. If she refuses to get dressed, throw clothes in a bag and take her in her pjs. This will only get harder to deal with as she gets older.

No, I don't let the kids boss me around, but I have been manipulated a few times. There are somatic symptoms of anxiety, stomach aches, headaches, panic attacks, trembling and sobbing and hyperventilating with snot and tears everywhere. And most times I take her to school anyway, if I can force her to get dressed and teeth brushed and into the car. I have left her crying in the nurses office many times and left the school.

Some days I can't get her to go, she's too heavy for me to pick her up and carry her where I need her to be, and without resorting to child abuse, I can't move her. I suppose I could drag her by the ankles out of the house and sling her in the car, but I have a feeling more than the truancy officer would be paying us a visit after that.

The school officials seem to think I'm one of those absent parents who doesn't know or care where my kids are. The meeting tomorrow was requested by me, as any intervention she has ever had at school was requested by me, they are not offering any help or even attempting to contact me. After the third unanswered voice mail to the office I finally got a call back from the discipline officer stating "I'm calling about your daughter's absences, we need to talk with you." I asked why it took him so long to return my call, he had no answer for that question, instead pretending he had initiated the contact instead of me.

Of course it is my duty to make my kid go to school, but isn't it their duty to make her feel safe at school? Am I expecting too much?

Unfortunately you are asking for a lot. Do you have any small private schools? Can she do virtual school? Or can you home school? Any ideas why she's so nervous about school? Right now it's time to cover your butt and make sure she's learning while her therapist works with her
Maybe she needs to go 1/2 day or in the smallest class or have a teachers aid with her all day? Why is she in therapy?

What kind of treatment plan do the children have? Is it an IEP? If not you can request testing to assess their needs. Put communication with the school in writing whenever possible. Sample Letter | Requesting LD Evaluation

My daughter has Asperger's and had school refusal. It was awful so I understand how stressful this is.

Im sure youve told your kids this, but its important for them to know that going to school is not negotiable. After my daughter stayed home a couple of times, I got the school involved. She was very explosive but I did my best stayed calm and explained that it is against the law and considered child neglect to skip school. Then I told her I was calling the school to speak to her vice principal, which I did. She told me she would meet me at the door, just to try to get my daughter there.

I think hearing the principals voice on my phone worked, because she gave in and went. The
principal, vice principal and adjust,met counselor all came out to meet me. They almost had to carry her out of the car (I gave them permission)...the principal even got in the car with her.
Eventually, after about 30 minutes, she got out and ran, but the school staff told me to leave. They said shes on school property now and its their responsibility to handle it. I did feel so guilty but I could see out my mirror that they were firmly but still gently handling her and she began to walk in voluntarily. That was the 4th and most dramatic incident we had and was also the last. I did find that when I called the school in the midst of the turmoil at home, they
were very receptive to helping me in most anyway they could. I think if they see a parent being active in the moment, rather than reactive after the fact (which is the natural response), school staff responds much more positively to the situation. I know another family whose daughter had exactly the same behavior, but was 13 and in middle school. She missed so much school and the parents had little to no support. They had strained relations with school staff and our experiences were like night and day. We still had issues, but more tardiness (by 30-40 minutes) than refusal.

Has the school counselor talked to your kids about why they don't want to go to school and made sure there wasn't something there that was stressful for them? I have the DSM 5 and don't remember "school refusal" as a diagnosis in itself. It's probably a symptom of other diagnoses like ODD, but I don't see how that matters unless her T wants to get something written into an IEP about it. They need behavior plans implemented in the school. Unless your daughters T communicates with school staff a lot and, and it doesn't sound like she does, a home behavior plan won't do you much good. I've been there- you need help. Will your daughters T go to meetibgs with you? Many will and then she can explain further what issues your daughter/ children have and try to come up with a plan. If school admin still doesn't cooperate then Id hire an advocate or special education lawyer.

How old are they? I know in bipolar disorder and probably some other types of mental illness school attendance is a problem. In two books, The Bipolar Child and Bipolar Kids, both written by psychs and parents, there is a complete chapter dedicated to school attendance! What you need to do is with the help of your therapist and the school guidance counselor (as well as a few others at the school level) is come up with IEP (Individual Education Plan) which will address attendance due to diagnosed mental illness, and any other issues they have. It will prevent you from getting into trouble when they miss school. No amount of punishment or reward has worked in the long term to keep our daughter attending regularly. She now has an IEP and is in a small private school where the work is independent and self-paced. She is very happy there, or I guess I should say, much more tolerant of this school than her huge public HS!

Good luck!

Nancy

Thanks everyone! The meeting didn't go horribly but I'm sure it could have been better. Several concessions were made for me to excuse her absences after their 10-day deadline, we came up with some cumulative rewards she can earn by going to school every day (her favorite one is getting to spend 20 minutes on Fridays playing games on the guidance counselor's iPad) and she got a stern talking to by the discipline officer, which helped reinforce that this is not my rule, just my job to enforce it.

She is not on an IEP but I have requested the evaluation and they have a deadline of this Friday to respond.

She has been doing fantastic since, but it's early days yet. I am so worn out from battling with this kid every single day of her life, multiple times a day, anytime I have to enforce a boundary. Thanks for listening!