My 16 year old son

We have been struggling with my son's depression and anxiety for 2 years. He has had some very severe issues, including one hospitalization for hurting himself. We have him on medications guided by primary care, supplements/vitamins guided by naturopathic MD, and his issues had been at a "manageable level" for about a year, but last month he started showing some increased agitation and issues.

We went on a pre-planned family vacation, and a regression occurred on the road secondary to a run-in with my husband, his step father, and it was "unsurmountable" for him, their relationship was challenging prior to this, but now it completely has dissolved. We ended our vacation early, because we were far from home, and if we really had problems, I needed to be near what few resources we have. After this breakdown, when we got home, he decided to go live with his dad. (same town, but not super vigilant with his health and wellness needs). I am devastated by this, with all of the work and time that has been spent working on his issues, now I have NO control of whether he takes his medications, does school assignments, takes showers, etc. I am not sure how to proceed. I am so stressed by this and I have been crying a lot when thinking of how this has really hurt me and our family. I am just not functioning well myself right now, and the stress is making me wonder if maybe I need some help myself.

I am meeting with him today for lunch, to discuss his decision, and plans for school (which was previously an online school where his main support/coaching was at my home). To discuss whether he wants his clothes, books, etc., at his dads. To discuss his medications, and how to proceed with keeping him "safe" with his depression issues. I know he is close, I can call him, and check in on him, but I just feel like a piece of my life, my love, has walked out...I am sitting here holding the pieces of my heart in my hands, knowing our relationship will never be the same.

My husband is a good man, he loves my kids, but he also runs a tight ship when it comes to rules, etc., and my son has always had issues with that since we got married (7 years ago). Husband has never raised a hand to hit son, never has been abusive in word or deed. Husband sees this outbreak and move as manipulation and control, not part of son's depression, but I am conflicted with that.

What does a mom do here? How can I get over this pain? Do I just act like "nothing has happened" with him? Or do I let him know how pained I am about this? There are just so many aspects of this issue, it is hard to place in a post, but I guess this is a start.

mjk

I am so sorry you are going through this. Teenagers can be so difficult with all the hormones going crazy and having to deal with mental health issues. I can't offer any advice but I do hope that things straighten out.

Hello mjk73: I'm sorry you are confronting this most difficult situation. Presumably, by now, you've had your lunch meeting with your son. Hopefully it went well. I don't know as I have any particularly useful suggestions for you here. From my perspective, although in many ways your son is still a child, he is old enough that you really can't force anything on him. And trying to do so is simply going to make everything just that much worse.

So my opinion (for what it's worth) would be that as long as your son's dad is willing to have him, & that's where your son wants to be, then it's incumbent upon you to let it happen... even facilitate it to whatever extent is needed. Yes, things may not happen at your son's dad's home the way they would have at yours. But realistically this is simply the way it is. It's not something you can control.

The reality of the situation is, in a couple of years, your son will be a legal adult. And then you will have no control whatsoever. And if this all simply feels too overwhelming for you to come to terms with, then seek the services of a counselor or therapist with whom you can process the changes that are occurring in your life. I wish you, & your son, well...

It's very hard to adapt to a step parent sometimes. My father died when I was 12, and my mother remarried a nice man the next year. She made it very clear to him that he was not my father and she was to discipline me. It worked very well, and we have a wonderful relationship.

Thanks for your input.

Yes, the lunch went well. He will be making this a permanent decision. I am broken hearted, but did not let on to that to him. We discussed the business end of things, and we are going to make sure to make some time together at least every other weekend. He is determined to continue with school (which he will come over to my house to do with my sister) and his medications, which I put the medication boxes together for them, so that will be predictable. I was able to get some moving boxes now, and wrap my head around the concept of packing and moving him out.

His lil sister (10) still shares time between houses, and really has no issues with step dad, so I have asked son to please be careful with any negative/unhappy comments he wishes to make about me or stepdad with lil sis around. I re-iterated to him that I have NEVER allowed any negative talk about his dad around them, and I would appreciate the same courtesy from him. He did say he understood, and will comply with that request.

No, my heart is not much better.
No, I don't think he is better off there.
No, I won't really recover from this easily.
Yes, I know that time will heal/soften this a bit, but it is not an easy thing to go through.

mjk

((((mjk73))))

My exhusband has a niece, around my age. She went through a time when her son was a teenager and he felt life would be better with his biological father as opposed to her, her husband and his sisters. He up and moved out of state with his dad. He eventually did come back home. That was years ago. It was a tough time in his life because he was trying to sort out his identity and his place in the world.

I wish I had words to relieve your pain. Just wanted to write and offer moral support.

((((gentle hugs))))