15 year old girl teen boundries

I'm hoping I post this in the correct forum and apologize in advance is it's not.

My girlfriend and I made the choice to merge our two families. Myself, a medically retired 44 year old single father of a 13 year old son and my 45 year old girlfriend and her 15 year old daughter. I love them both and have recently found it hard trying to convey my concern about boundries I feel are being crossed by the 15 year old daughter.

About 2 months ago, upon moving in with my girlfriend and her daughter, I explained to both of them I have no issues doing everyone's laundry, but would truly appreciate if the daughter could separate her under clothes from the rest of her laundry for either her, or her mother to wash. Being new to the home, I found it as more of a respect concern and I have always seen it better for the mom, or daughter to wash a teen daughters cloths. Becoming a women can sometimes get overwhelming and I feel a bit uncomfortable with it to be truthful.
Everyone said ok, there was no more brought up about it, but she has continued to do her own laundry. About 2-3 weeks ago, the 15 year old daughter come walking downstairs wearing only a bra on her upper body and fully clothed otherwise. I immediately asked her mother to address this. I was very embarrassed to say the least. Her mother told me she talked to her, but a week or so later, the daughter does the same thing, but only in a towel this time. Obviously just getting out of the shower, I once again addressed this with her mother and she assured me she would talk to her. Well, this morning, a breaker blew, power went out and the daughter starts walking around the house in just a towel again. I know I handled it wrong, but told my girlfriend she needs to do something about her daughters continued inappropriate attire in my company. I find it embarrassing and more important, highly inappropriate for her to do this.

So, my girlfriend tells me the compromise is buying her a robe. I agreed as long as it didn't become a fashion show and was knee length, perfect. However, she did agree with the daughter as it being new and she shouldn't have to change. So, she would put under clothes on under the towel and they both found this as fair compromise until they buy a robe. I however, DO NOT! My girlfriend says it's just like a Bikini and I said then why bother waste your money on one, just let her where a bra and underwear to the beach.

Sorry, am I wrong here? I find this highly inappropriate and I'm having a hard time understanding how my girlfriend finds it ok? I could agree if it was new, but she has been talked to twice before about this, so she was told not to do it. However, now the mom, my girlfriend, is back tracking, saying her daughter has a point and it's my problem if I'm uncomfortable. I was told to stay in my bedroom if I'm that uncomfortable. Their getting a robe, but until then a towel with under cloths is fine and I need to deal with it. Please help!!!

I find it quite inappropriate. Not much advice for you.

My step-dad married my mom when I was 13. I wouldn't have wanted to walk around barely dressed in front of him, never did. The girl must feel very comfortable and thinks nothing of walking around in a towel. Why can't she just put something on?

Your gf is not trying to make you comfortable, but has put her daughter above you here, even telling you to go in the other room if you don't like it. That's not a good sign for your relationship. She should be telling her to put something on and stop doing it now that you and your 13 year old son are in the house.

Hopefully, when she gets the robe, this will stop.

Thank you for the replies. It's nice to know at least I'm not the only person who thinks this way. Hopefully the robe fixes this problem and I do agree, the answer from her to basically ground me to my room while her daughter gets ready for school is not a good sign. I'm hoping this passes, but will not be ok just letting another issue like this get handled in a similar way. If this rears its ugly head one more time, I think it's time for me to maker some serious choices on if I really belong in this household. Again, thank you for the replies!

Maybe I can get lucky and someone knows of a good book, or reference I can get related to boundaries, where a Step-Dad and Step-Daughter should stand in relationship to pecking order (for lack of better terms)?

To be honest, it seems like you are having a problem understanding that people come from different cultures. You aren't respecting her culture and her choices and trying to force her to follow yours instead. Its a recipe for disaster and will lead to her resenting you and rebelling in possibly dangerous ways.

In my family, we had no problem straight up showering or changing in front of each other, regardless of gender. When we had family visitors I would have no problem walking across the house in a towel or having full conversations in one. I often wore noting but a bra and booty shorts, and me and my cousins would jokingly tap each other's boobs. We were simply from a culture with much less of the typical American modesty issues.

It's not a culture issue. This is an issue of respect, morals and values. This is a case of a 15 year old not getting her way. There is no way a 15 year old teen girl should walk around a house in a towel if ANYONE feels their privacy is being invaded. My 13 year old son has no interest in seeing her in a towel. I guarantee if I walked around naked her mother would blow a gasket. I'm sure this girl has no interest in seeing me naked, so to say it's a culture issue doesn't make sense to me. Her mother agreed with me 100% on this until the daughter was told a third time she couldn't do it and wasn't getting her way. Finally, if this is a culture belief for them, why doesn't she walk around in a towel at her friends houses, or at school after gym class, or more importantly, at her Fathers house? If her friends and their families are important enough to show this respect to, where does this leave my son and I, the two guys her and her mother agreed they loved enough to spend the rest of their lives with as a family. This isn't a case of us being room mates. Finally, her own Biological Father come unglued when he found out about her doing this last night. He told her no daughter of his was walking around anywhere in that fashion, in front of any man, including him. The daughter is truly happy she's getting some new clothes out of this issue and is completely, 110% happy to accommodate our privacy with some new clothes to wear instead of the towel. It only took me $150.00 in new bathroom attire to get her to respect what I wanted my son and I to see in a house we are supposed to be living in as well.

Your 13 year-old son has plenty of interest in seeing her in the towel, that's the issue and the reason not to walk around undressed.

Separate the girl's underwear from the rest of the laundry? Huh??? That seems very odd to me.

I agree, this whole thing seems like unnecessary shaming and sexualization of a girl's body, which is honestly disturbing and creepy.

It's not shaming. It is sexualization. The step father feels uncomfortable seeing the 15 year old wearing a towel. Yes, that means she looks sexy and he is disturbed to think of his step daughter as arousing. Also, the 13 year old step brother, new to this girl in his life, must be thinking the same.

True, if they were at the beach, she'd be wearing a bikini, but that's what that is.

Why do we put something on when a stranger comes to the door? Do women answer the door wearing a towel?

It's not shaming the girl for her mother to teach her to wear appropriate clothing. Everybody has their own line about this. Some families are nudists, some are Puritanical. Most are in between.

I remember the age I was aware of not being too naked around males was approx. 7. Geez, maybe even younger. My mother wrote in my baby book how at 2, she asked me to go get something outside, and I said I couldn't because I was only in my underwear and there were boys out there. So, I picked up on that myself and thought that by myself from that young.

Is it shaming for a young woman to think 'I should not walk around so undressed my step father and brother are uncomfortable because they feel it is inappropriate (that I am evoking sexual thoughts from them because I am wearing a towel and have a sexy body)'. I don't see that as shame. I see it as just there's a time and a place for everything.

I'm not shaming the males in this either. The OP could act like it doesn't effect him, meanwhile being aroused by his young step daughter. At least he is honorable enough to ask her not to do it and tell them it is bothering him. Of course it is due to her sexuality. Why else would he care that she is in a towel?

Why is the dad doing the laundry? I did my own laundry from age 12. I can't imagine my dad washing and folding my underwear!

I have.

I'm not the one with issues with towel-wear though.

If the step father is sexually aroused by his step child, then something is wrong with him, not her. That is what body shaming and sexualization are. Her walking around in a towel or the pure existence of her underwear is not an invitation to anybody to sexualize her body, and if they do then they are pedophiles and need help.

This all sounds like an issue over nothing, and especially petty making an issue of her having to separate out her underwear, or her wearing a towel.

Perhaps her wearing a bra is a little inappropriate, but the rest of it is all perfectly normal.

Just remember that it's not her that decided to move in with you, it's you and your gf who decided to move in with each other, so perhaps a little flexibility and understanding on your part would aide the situation greatly

Haven't you ever heard the term 'jail bait'? At 15, me and my gf's were ogled plenty by men of all ages and had developed, womanly bodies. Nobody said it was an invitation for anything.

If I were that uncomfortable with the situation, I'd take my son and move back into my own place.

The adults can continue dating and reconsider living together after the children are grown and have places of their own.

That may be the best solution for all involved.

I have heard that term, and it is disgusting and part of rape culture. I was ogled too and sexualized by older men too. That doesn't make it right, its still disgusting for grown men to be sexually attracted to underage girls.

In this thread's context, I wouldn't call it sexual attraction, but just an issue of sexuality.

When I was 15, I made friends with this guy who was 20. It was a strange, temporary circumstance because I lived at a hotel with my parents and he was a guest and our folks made friends. I was attracted to him, and I was a virgin, had no intention of intercourse. He liked me, but kept his distance saying in regards to me being 15 and him being 20, "Fifteen'll get you twenty".

I think it's totally normal and natural for a person to see another physically adult-looking person's body and momentarily think of them sexually. As long as they don't inappropriately act on it.

Rape is a whole different issue.

I grew up in a crazy place. My sister's friend married her step-father! He had adopted her, and when they married, she didn't have to change her name.

I often walked around in a towel in my own home, as a teenager, and a step daughter. My step father had two daughters also, and never batted an eyelid. Nor did he act inappropriately in anyway. His daughters often ran downstairs half dressed in a rush to get ready, getting dressed, doing their hair and eating breakfast all at the same time.
All of us had probably opened the door in a towel at some point.
They were not being sexual, they were getting dressed, or simply chilling out while their nail varnish dried.

Now I am the mother of four, two of which are teenage girls, and I hope they are comfortable and secure enough in their own home and own body image to walk around in their undergarments or towel or whatever.
I understand you feel embarrassed but she isn't doing anything wrong,are you relating the instances to something sexual?
I struggle to see the impropriety. I suspect you gf doesn't think this is a real issue either and that your step daughter is picking up that vibe from her.
You chose to become the step parent to a teenage girl. You also chose to co parent with someone who obviously has diffrent set of values. I would consider picking your battles because their will be bigger ones than this.
All the best, I hope a simple sit down is the answer and you manage to find a healthy compromise. Although I think Pfrog had it right.

I am mixed on this. My own stepdad came into my home when I was about eleven. My body was already undergoing puberty and it was all new to me. I was pretty unaware the impact a developing teen may have had on an adult males sensibilities. My stepdad made similar requests. In some ways it felt shaming unnecessarily. In some ways it felt like he was intruding on my home and the way I always lived. But on the other hand, I was doing my own laundry at that age.

If you told your stepdaughter that you are asking her to cover up out of respect for her it will be a much more positive message than shaming her over your values. It would be better boundaries for both of you to keep covered around each other, not just her. I think you have good boundaries you are just focusing on the wrong person. You really need to convince her mom you won't get anywhere otherwise.

Again, the morals thing seems intrusive to me. Putting it in terms of mutual respect and this is how older men should treat you with respect, by caring about your privacy. The robe sea was a nice thought. Tough situation!!

It sounds like the person who has an issue in this situation is you. There is nothing sexual about a 15-year-old girl in a towel in her own home. Asking her to change her attire and her behavior to accommodate you-- because you are having a reaction to her body-- is unfair and shaming. Most people do walk around their houses in their bath towels when they are getting ready and no one views it as sexual. Asking a girl (or a woman) to change her attire because a man feels uncomfortable just doesn't seem right. It's her body and her house. i see nothing wrong with her behavior. She is not trying to simply "get her way." It sounds like she is reacting to the fact that suddenly some guy her mom picked gets to dictate what she can wear in her own house. The home shouldn't be a place where a young woman's body gets to be policed and sexualied and shamed. I certainly walked around my house in a towel when I was a teenager and getting ready in the morning. It would have been detrimental to my self-worth and sense of safety if an adult male had made a big deal out of my body and insisted I wear knee-length/full-sleeve garments at all times to accommodate them.

I believe this is very delicate theme. The issue is that you have to set boundary and be careful with the pressure. But the teenager should know the rules. Otherwise you will meet the anger. I found those tips for you and hope it will help.