Raising a child not born to me

My little man (alot of you know I'm raising my nephew and and though I've been highly involved since his birth, I have had him full time since just before his second b'day...he's now 5 1/2) is now "reflecting"...reflecting on his childhood!

We've been riding in the car and he'll talk about something, then say, "Mommy, do you remember such and such? You'd say, 'Yes, Boo Boo, I do and wasn't that so beautiful?'" He'll then say, "You called me Boo Boo when I was little because you loved me and you still do because I'm your baby."

He's got these special memories that he's recalling. I think alot of this is because he's beginning to understand some things that have come with his own age-appropriate questioning.

Just about the time he decided to call me mommy instead of mom (when he started back into preschool and all the other mommies came to get their kids--he needed a mommy and I was that role), he asked, "Why did God put me with momma and daddy when I was borned anyway? I'm your son." which was also about the time he started saying his name as his first and last name, then adding mine and hubby's at the end...as his last name.

It's almost like he's gotten old enough to know that the pieces don't fit and he doesn't like it. He's created his own pieces to make it work for him.

I've been told that this is expected and OK, but he's determined that his mama had him in her belly for me. I told him he came from mama's belly and my heart, so I think he's even answered that for himself.

I don't correct his ideals at his age, because I know that, just like he'll learn that Santa and the tooth fairy isn't real, reality with this will become very clear. He *needs* this to fit, and be right for now.

My biggest prayer is that he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt at the time of awarenesses, that I couldn't love him more had I actually given birth to him...maybe more.

KD

that is beautiful, KD. I'm glad you posted this... and I'm glad that you have Boo-Boo in your life...

awwwww kids are so great at comming up with there own reality

((((((((((((((kd and boo boo)))))))))))))))

Do be careful, KD, and don't just assume he'll learn how it all fits together. He needs to be told. It gets very confusing and we make stuff up to make it all fit as children but don't necessarily get it straightened out in our insides if we're not given a true map spelling it out.

I knew my mother died but I did not remember her and had no connection to my life with her, my first three years. My head was divided up into three parts; the missing chunk when my mother was alive; the year and a half when she was dying/dead and it was just my father, brothers and I; and after "we" got married to my stepmother. My T was struck by my speech when I first saw her in my late 20's because I literally talked about when "we" got married in 1955. Some things we create as children can't get corrected unless they are by someone older who knows the real story! At the time, "we" did get married; my stepmother, until her dying day, talked about how she "got" my brothers and I, instant family, etc.

No one ever taught me to separate out and put my life in correct order and my "vision" of myself and life was always that of a child of that age. It literally took nearly 30 years to get my life to make sense. I was very lucky because my father's sister was there when I was 2 and 3 and knew that portion of my life and could tell me stories about it, etc. so I could reclaim that chunk and re-experience myself, listen to the stories and know they were "me" and have my insides recognize them even though I didn't have any memory of them.

When I told my stories to my T about the period between when my mother was dying/died and my father and stepmother met, that covered two summers and my T was saying how jumbled they sounded; I couldn't tell when things happened in the correct order because I was so young and there were different feelings, and happenings and facts I knew and they didn't fit together coherently because at the time they were "learned"/experienced, I wasn't mature enough to see them like an older child would and get them in order, etc. It took my T and I over two years, alone, to separate my mother from my stepmother; I had merged them.

My stepsister's children (she's 13 years older than I) were never quite told the whole story either and my niece (now in her 40s') and I recently were sharing what we thought, she had all sorts of weird ideas and misunderstandings because she'd tried to figure out my stepsister's dead father and my father, etc. as children do, putting it together the best she could. We were laughing about what she had "thought" but even in her 40's she still had questions I helped her by answering.

I've dreamed about my stepsister's father and grandfather! I never met her father and only met her grandfather a couple times when my stepmother first "got" me and had to take me everywhere with her as I was so young, and would take me to her previous in-laws, etc. None of that was explained very well to me at that age, I wouldn't have cared/understood anyway, but that doesn't mean I didn't try to incorporate those people into my life/story! LOL I'd look at pictures of my stepsister, stepmother and her first husband (who died about the time my mother did) in Germany, before I was even born, and I'd look at the pictures and wonder where I was, why I was not in any of the pictures!

Children's stories are age-appropriate and can be wonderful but they're not "correct" and are also like icebergs in that a lot of other thoughts and "memories" are happening below where they can't be seen. Every now and then point out the facts the way they actually are so questions and misinterpretations can be raised and "fixed" as it all could influence how your little guy feels about himself and his world later on when it might not be possible for you to correct. Other people aren't always kind and if he says something inconsistent, they may notice and ridicule him in such a way he thinks it's his fault or that there's something wrong with him and his thinking/memory, etc. If some "stories" work too well for him, he may make them up willy-nilly and/or his imagination wander too far afield (like mine did) because it is so good.

(((((((((((( perna )))))))))))))

I'm so sorry at the difficulty deriving from childhood. I can only imagine... What an amazing person you were and are.

Thank for the insights based on personal experience.

The things that are different here with the little man is that his mama and daddy are involved in his life on a regular basis and he is corrected...he simply chooses to have his own take on it sometimes. It's wild to watch.

The very same people are in his life that were when he was born, just in reversed roles (since before his memory).

He knows that mama had him and is hi mama, same with daddy, but has selected me and hubby as mom and dad...our roles in his life and something he needs to fit in within his world and needs.

I think his questions about his being born to mama and not me are more about God and understanding that than understanding what is actually his reality. He was feeling a bit threatened at the time and I think a bit angry at his understanding of what God is.

So, he has all the puzzle pieces completely available to him, talked about, experienced. He's just trying to understand some things, I think. For instance, I don't think he can say that he's angry sometimes that there is even a mama and daddy, making his experience here feel less than what it is, or threatened at times.

I guess I should say that he knows the scoop...well...but chooses sometimes (as many children do in any situation) to have some fantasy, or even anger at what they don't like or "get".

When his fantasy skills have lessened, I hope he's confident in the knowledge that even though he's not my birth son, I couldn't love him more.

KD

KD...that is a very special relationship there.

I'm kinda going through a similar situation, with my 2 year old nephew now living with my family and I. It was very difficult, but I noticed this last week had gone very smoothly. He's so susceptible to learning, I think he realized I will reinforce his behavior and is changing.

Anyway, I feel a special bond to Eli. It's a lot like what my own children and I have, but a little different. It may be that he is still very new to this family. I do make an effort to treat him and my kids very equal, but I know he still needs special attention, since he's deprived of mothering. My mothering overwhelms him at time, we're very affectionate with our children and he is still not used to being tucked in and kissed and cuddled.

He's calling me Mama too, I still don't know what to think about that. I guess Desi is hard to say, with the "z" sound in it. My husband gets awkward about being called dada.

I hope I travel the same road you and your nephew has traveled. I hope our bond will as strong and loving. If you don't mind me asking, did you legally adopt him? I'll pm you with other questions. I didn't realize you had such a similar experience as me.

My biggest fear about the entire situation is I will truly love this child as my own...he will become my child, then his mother will return to take him away from me. I fear forming a mother/son relation for it may be temporary.