[used-up579]

Hello. My daughter is 26 years old. And I enable her. I know it now. It's hard not to enable once you start and don't know you are doing it. To make this short, I started enabling her when I divorced my 2nd husband (not her father) when she was a young teen. It wasn't a pleasant divorce and I coddled her to make up for the bad marriage. I felt bad she was stuck in this too.

So now.....she owes me a ton of money. Owes her Grandma, back rent, car payments, has no car insurance....the list goes on. She doesn't follow through on anything she starts.

Today, she told me she joined the gym. I was at my breaking point. I told her she didn't make a wise decision because she hasn't followed through on things in the past and she doesn't pay her bills. She took it personally and started crying. I got upset because she takes EVERYTHING personally and gets so easily wounded and I told her to leave. Now I feel anxiety and guilt for making her upset when I know in actuality she is the one that has made her own bed and I was simply trying to point out the obvious. I am upset she made a commitment to a gym for $30 per month when she has made zero attempts to pay me or anyone else back.

What do I do? Was I wrong? I am questioning it now. I am sad.

[AAAAA]

I understand your response. It's so hard to see our children make these mistakes. Does she know that you expect to be paid back or does she think that the money you've given her in the past were gifts? Can you offer to help her create a budget? So sorry that you're going through this.

[used-up579]

Thank you for your response. She gets very defensive when I offer to help with bills, money, budget. She thinks she is all grown up and knows what to do but she is failing at it and won't admit it. It is hard to help anyone in denial! I know she will figure everything out on her own and in her own time but as a parent you still want to help. She is 26 and should have this figured out I think. Am I expecting too much? She knows she has to pay me back. She has had a stable upbringing. Her father and I divorced when she was 2 years old. I was a single mom for many years and she had a great influence from my mother and father. I married a 2nd time when she was 10 years old. That marriage was a mistake but we all survived! It made us stronger. I am now in a great relationship and so is she. So, that's our story!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by used-up579

I told her she didn't make a wise decision because she hasn't followed through on things in the past and she doesn't pay her bills. She took it personally and started crying.

I know in actuality she is the one that has made her own bed and I was simply trying to point out the obvious.

Originally Posted by used-up579

She thinks she is all grown up and knows what to do but she is failing at it and won't admit it.

Hi, telling her right away that she made a mistake is guaranteed to get a defensive response. Can you help her think it through instead? As a parent I have always thought it was better to talk them through the decision making process so that they will learn how to think things through. I am not so tied to the outcome that they reach but that they looked at the problem objectively and saw all the possibilities. You have to be patient at first but they will learn eventually HOW to make good decisions. If you coddled her maybe she never learned how to make decisions?

Did she make her own bed all by herself?

[AAAAA]

Some people never learn how to deal with money. My husband is one of those people, I don't understand it myself, but left to his own devices (even when there was money in our accounts to pay the bills) he wouldn't pay a bill on time.

To preserve your relationship, I wouldn't bring it up again, nor would I give her anymore money. If she comes to you again for help again I would make it a condition of the loan that she make a budget and stick to it.

[CJR520]

Originally Posted by used-up579

Hello. My daughter is 26 years old. And I enable her. I know it now. It's hard not to enable once you start and don't know you are doing it. To make this short, I started enabling her when I divorced my 2nd husband (not her father) when she was a young teen. It wasn't a pleasant divorce and I coddled her to make up for the bad marriage. I felt bad she was stuck in this too.

So now.....she owes me a ton of money. Owes her Grandma, back rent, car payments, has no car insurance....the list goes on. She doesn't follow through on anything she starts.

Today, she told me she joined the gym. I was at my breaking point. I told her she didn't make a wise decision because she hasn't followed through on things in the past and she doesn't pay her bills. She took it personally and started crying. I got upset because she takes EVERYTHING personally and gets so easily wounded and I told her to leave. Now I feel anxiety and guilt for making her upset when I know in actuality she is the one that has made her own bed and I was simply trying to point out the obvious. I am upset she made a commitment to a gym for $30 per month when she has made zero attempts to pay me or anyone else back.

What do I do? Was I wrong? I am questioning it now. I am sad.

I think you can see where you are going with her if you read my other post. My daughter borrowed, begged, and stole from people so she could keep her lazy butt at home and take naps, and play and do whatever she wanted up into her late 30's. Others were raising her kids, etc. The more I did for her, the more in enabled her to keep this lifestyle. Please don't feel quilty!!! Tell Your daughter to get a job and take care of her own home, and buy her own things. I know that my son is a much more satisfied, healthy, person because he has done for himself, his wife, and five little ones. I is hard to break old habits, but we will be o.k.