[HALLIEBETH87]

I apologize in advance because this *will* be a bit of a long post for me.

I saw my pdoc yesterday and was open about a few things I haven't been with people lately. Her response has had me reflecting about my application and current journey toward disability. I don't want to be considered to be disabled. I hate feeling like a failure but I just can't do things right. I can't handle things.

I pet/house sit sometimes. Its never for very long or for very much money. I don't advertise or anything. Its simply for people I know or my family that need someone when they go out of town. Otherwise, I have not worked since last May when I was fired (but those people say I quit...that's a different and very long story!!)

Well, when I saw my doctor she asked how I was and all and I told her I had been pet sitting this week and was upset with myself. When she asked why I explained that I have been overwhelmed about something so stupid that shouldn't overwhelm anyone. She asked if I thought it shouldn't overwhelm me or people in general. I said people in general. She then asked if I thought I was like other people. I kind of looked down and said I wasn't sure about that. She said she didn't think I was like other people because I am dealing with mental illness(es). That made me just a bit sad to hear. I mean, I know its true and all but still...to hear it from MY DOCTOR!

My point? I just fight within on whether I have a true case for disability....I have a lawyer who is going to represent me. He just filed my appeal for me because I got denied. He told me I will get denied again. I just filled out the paperwork that they send about daily activities for the second time. This time I went the ugly route and put me deeply personal and bad things about myself. I am not sure it will make a difference but maybe if its on paper....I even put on there about self-harming and being suicidal and all. As for a paper trail...oh my gosh. I have paperwork for 10 years worth with of crap on me. I have seen numerous psychiatrists and been to clinics. I have been 2 ERs for OD, in hospital 7 times (5 times in last 2 yrs) and in Crisis Stabilization Unit twice since last fall...not to mention all this stems back from when I was 17 (I'm 27) and I am still in treatment, ya know?

I have a lot of records from suicidal thoughts and almost ALL of my paperwork says Bipolar Disorder and most of current says BPD though I disagree with that dx and so does my T but I put it on there anyway because its in my records (even from when I was 17 and I didn't know that back then!!)

So what are ya'lls take on this? Am I hopeless? I feel like just giving up and getting another job to lose. Of course if I do I wont be able to see my pdoc or afford my meds anymore either. Stress unhinges me and I put in on that paperwork. That it makes me shut down and I lose all motivation and life becomes chaotic and self-destructive.

This is all too much. Even pet sitting can overwhelm me. I don't understand why God made me this way.

[HALLIEBETH87]

No one? No one knows.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I feel a bit hurt that no one has answered. :/

[RTerroni]

Well I can truley feel for you, I first applied for disability in October 2010 and am still going through the appeal process. I don't know why my lawyer and I can't convince them that I am disabled, over the last many years I have tried several jobs and have failed at all of them.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I almost feel like giving up and just getting another job to fail at.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I apologize in advance because this *will* be a bit of a long post for me.

I saw my pdoc yesterday and was open about a few things I haven't been with people lately. Her response has had me reflecting about my application and current journey toward disability. I don't want to be considered to be disabled. I hate feeling like a failure but I just can't do things right. I can't handle things.

I pet/house sit sometimes. Its never for very long or for very much money. I don't advertise or anything. Its simply for people I know or my family that need someone when they go out of town. Otherwise, I have not worked since last May when I was fired (but those people say I quit...that's a different and very long story!!)

Well, when I saw my doctor she asked how I was and all and I told her I had been pet sitting this week and was upset with myself. When she asked why I explained that I have been overwhelmed about something so stupid that shouldn't overwhelm anyone. She asked if I thought it shouldn't overwhelm me or people in general. I said people in general. She then asked if I thought I was like other people. I kind of looked down and said I wasn't sure about that. She said she didn't think I was like other people because I am dealing with mental illness(es). That made me just a bit sad to hear. I mean, I know its true and all but still...to hear it from MY DOCTOR!

My point? I just fight within on whether I have a true case for disability....I have a lawyer who is going to represent me. He just filed my appeal for me because I got denied. He told me I will get denied again. I just filled out the paperwork that they send about daily activities for the second time. This time I went the ugly route and put me deeply personal and bad things about myself. I am not sure it will make a difference but maybe if its on paper....I even put on there about self-harming and being suicidal and all. As for a paper trail...oh my gosh. I have paperwork for 10 years worth with of crap on me. I have seen numerous psychiatrists and been to clinics. I have been 2 ERs for OD, in hospital 7 times (5 times in last 2 yrs) and in Crisis Stabilization Unit twice since last fall...not to mention all this stems back from when I was 17 (I'm 27) and I am still in treatment, ya know?

I have a lot of records from suicidal thoughts and almost ALL of my paperwork says Bipolar Disorder and most of current says BPD though I disagree with that dx and so does my T but I put it on there anyway because its in my records (even from when I was 17 and I didn't know that back then!!)

So what are ya'lls take on this? Am I hopeless? I feel like just giving up and getting another job to lose. Of course if I do I wont be able to see my pdoc or afford my meds anymore either. Stress unhinges me and I put in on that paperwork. That it makes me shut down and I lose all motivation and life becomes chaotic and self-destructive.

This is all too much. Even pet sitting can overwhelm me. I don't understand why God made me this way.

I too, have often asked why God made me this way. Sometimes I can find comfort and peace in controlling what little I can and keeping going. There are times though, when it's so hard to move forward positively, and when I fail, I don't look at it in proper perspective, till I am able to reframe and pick myself up. Have been living with this in some fashion for over six decades. There are times I do find joy and peace and realisitically redirect my expectations of life. That seems to help, oh and also being thankful for anything good, what I do have, etc. I wish you all the best, Ms Halliebeth!!!!!

[RTerroni]

It is a shame for all of us that we can't seem to keep a job, yet we can't seem to get any disability payments either.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Yea....just yeah..

[HALLIEBETH87]

I saw my T today and she told me SS contacted her for an assessment on me. Im pretty sure they didn't do this last time because she is pretty open with me about things. She read the letter to me that she sent. She told them I cant work right now.

[thickntired]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I saw my T today and she told me SS contacted her for an assessment on me. Im pretty sure they didn't do this last time because she is pretty open with me about things. She read the letter to me that she sent. She told them I cant work right now.

Hi,

Really no one can tell you if you're disabled or if you're able to work. I'm on disability and it saved my life. There is no way I could hold a full time job - which would be a must for health insurance. Mental illness from what I've read gets worse as we age. Granted there will I hope be better drugs. My generic meds on medicare, after I meet the deductable, cost on average $1 a month! Plain and simple I have the knowledge to get a job, but I do not have the mental capacity to hold a job. Stress makes me manic over and over and over with all the jobs I was only able to stay at for a brief time.

Good Luck to you!

tnt

[HALLIEBETH87]

it happens with me like that too...I overwhelmed, stressed, freak out and quit but never before shutting down

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

I almost feel like giving up and just getting another job to fail at.

That's kinda how I'm feelin' right now myself. I was late to my meds appointment and the psychdoc was understandably upset. Well, I can access my mental health records online., and later today I checked them and saw that she put on there that I had "a history of medication noncompliance."She also stated in the report that I didn't know what meds I was on and what my dosages were and all that. I was hurt. I mean I know I was late but that was pretty spiteful. And now I'm worried that that's gonna hurt my case.