[Yismymindblank12]

I grew up my whole life, as a boy being raped as a young child. I know it's unrelated to being transgender except, when I wanted female friends. I wanted females in my life, I knew I was a girl. I always was, but I never cried so hard now. All I wanted is to not be on this planet like this. I'm not ever going to accept my reality. I only wanted this so bad, I'd do anything for it. I'm too poor for MtF surgery. I have developing neuro problems and all my money is spent for my parents problems with their poor financial skills. I love women so much, I always was one. I would be a lesbian if I was one now, but no I'm stuck with this ugly body and the stigma of being a guy. I can't do this. I never felt so rejected in my life. I don't want this so badly. I cry so hard now, I've realized I'll get the life I truly deserve. I just want to die in a hole. My parents aren't supportive my family even less my friends not at all. They don't understand, I just wanted a girlfriend as a guy to help me through this, I wanted to be a woman so badly. I wanted to have a poly relationship with two females as a girl or guy. I truly know what I need emotionally and what I want. I've been abused so much and dealing with the hassle of being a guy, I never ever wanted this. I like my body in the sense that other people think I'm very attractive male, but I don't want it. I really know I was a female. This isn't me, and if I go to people bout it, I get looks of shame and people think of me differently, because they've been around the guy me for so long. I wanted to die, because I don't want to be here. I suffer psychosis apparently, but I don't believe in this mental illness stuff anymore just more as labels than actual evidence. Too be honest, I just what I truly desire without having to do so much. I hate it, I am 20 years old, but I'm like a child not a broken boy, but a girl who wants a true friend. I never wanted this. I don't ever want this, no matter how much I express it no one can see how I am this miserable everyday to see myself. I don't want women who I love or and working on trying to date or have friendships, turn bad so quickly, because I'm not a girl. I'm a guy and even if they are heterosexual, they assume I'm going to damage them. I hate it, it's like a mask I can't ever take off. I know what I would look like and I hate this so much. I finally opened up bout it now for once and never ever spoken of it before because of my abuse. Now with nothing left to give, I just feel empty my cries for help won't be heard nor will get me closer, because I did my best I called and put myself out there, but no one will ever see me.

[Grey Matter]

Despite it all, despite how you physically present, if you're female, YOU ARE FEMALE. I promise you! Some of us can't always get on hormones, or get a whole new wardrobe, or have family that will accept the change. It's a damn hard road to go down, especially alone. Thing is, here, you're not. The internet is great for connecting with other trans* people. You can find transitional housing in your state, online groups, tips, etc.

Body dysphoria is horrid. But you can and will get through this. You're not bad or damaged. You're you. And that's brilliant.

[Rand.]

Grey Matter has some really good advice already, I just want to chime in though. You really are a girl, regardless of what anyone else or even your body says. I can relate a bit to you in that I was abused like that when I was a little kid too. I'm coming from the other side of the same coin, I've always felt like a boy trapped in a female body. My family is also not supportive of this, but there are people out there who are and who can help you out, even if just someone to talk with. Maybe see if there's a trans* or trans friendly community near you?