[hahnn04]

My boyfriend told me he has been struggling with being trans* for several years, but hasn't taken any steps toward making himself the gender he wants. I have referred him to trans* people to talk to, and he has shown interest, but never follows through. I have been trying to help him. I have offered to use more feminine pronouns, and helping him make a new name for himself, but he always says no. He says he is embarrassed. I think he is afraid that if he takes any big steps, talking to someone besides be or wearing female clothing, that it will force him to admit that this is happening. I know he is trans,* he knows, but I'm the only one who seems to want to do anything about it. I don't want to push him too hard, but he needs some kind of confidence boost. He is depressed and doesn't feel he will "pass" as a woman so he tries to suppress it. How do I get him to talk to someone? How do I support him?

maybe he does not really want to switch. maybe he really prefers being male.
after all - that is how he was when you to met. right?

[Bill3]

I admire the compassion and concern that you demonstrate.

I know he is trans,* he knows, but I'm the only one who seems to want to do anything about it.

You could support by acknowledging and articulating where he is right now (as opposed to where it seems that he "should" be). Statements (if accurate) along the lines of "You seem hesitant", "You worry about passing as a woman", "You are ambivalent about what to do next," "You don't feel ready to take the next step yet", can convey understanding and acceptance. They can help fight the feeling that he is alone, that people cannot understand him.

[LiteraryLark]

It's hard being trans. It's likely he won't go through with it. It's a big deal for him to change gender and if he's not ready, he's not ready. Give him time. He'll figure out what's best for him. Just be with him when he's ready to change.

Being trans is SO conflicting. On the one hand, you wish you could just feel comfortable in your birth gender. At the same time, you'd give anything to be the gender your mind tells you you should be. As an MtF, you don't fit in with the boys but you're not a girl either. And it's embarrassing! Despite the advances our society has made, there's still allot of prejudice against people who are trans.

I never transitioned & I never will at this point. And I have wondered, from time-to-time if I even COULD! I still yearn to. But I suspect, when it came right down to it, I'd be too embarrassed.

One option would be for him to come onto PC himself. Also there are lots of trans individuals on YouTube who are making videos documenting their transitions. There are also documentaries on the subject. Perhaps by spending time with some of this, he would begin to "find himself." It can take a LONG time.

[Grey Matter]

I think the only person who is in charge of their gender identity (not choice wise, we are who we are) and how they express it is themselves. You are truly compassionate and accepting, OP, and that is fantastic. But if you feel you're the only one who wants to make big steps... it's probably because you are.

Being trans* is difficult. It is dangerous. Especially for mTf trans* people. There is the plite of realizing you will more likely face violence, aggression, loss of job (as it is legal in most states to fire trans* people), abuse, rape... the list goes on and on.

I think people need to remember a few points here. What makes someone trans* is NOT their transition. For example, my partner who is a cis-female can come out to me as a trans* male. And she can STILL be trans* and NOT transition. She can still use her birth name, pronouns, etc. And that is fine! That does not invalidate her identity in the slightest! And the SAME goes for your boyfriend.

tl;dr, you can still be trans* and present as your gender assigned at birth.

It does not mean he needs help, intervention, etc. What he does with his gender presentation is up to him.

It is great that you are supportive. But maybe you need to give the control in this situation back to him.