A HUGE thanks to everyone who has been replying to my trans postings! It means more to me than I can express! I wanted to write a bit more on this psychotic twin concept & how it came about. I should say, in all honesty, that this is not new. I have, over the past year or so, uploaded videos onto YouTube with regard to some of this. (I have since deleted them though so they're no longer available for viewing.)

A year ago this past October I made my latest, & most serious suicide attempt so far. I was told, afterward, that I was basically dead, but was brought back (dang-it! ) While I was in the hospital, one of my caregivers asked me, one day, if I had ever wanted to write a novel. I think I said something like: "Sure, hasn't everyone?" Then she told me about the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) which happens every November. It's kind of like a marathon for writers. The object is to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

Well, I returned home the last day or two of October & having nothing to do but sit around & contemplate my failure, I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo so I did. Well, my novel was junk! I decided just to write about myself & my struggles with being transsexual. Unfortunately, I ran out of material about halfway through the month. So, from that point on, I just wrote whatever came into my head in order to reach the 50,000 word goal, which I did.

One of the fancies I dreamt up during this process was the idea of a fraternal twin sister. She never developed physically. But her consciousness became subsumed within my male body & she continues to co-exist with me today. Being entrapped within my male body all these years has, however, caused her to lose her mind; & thus she is now psychotic. She must be kept locked away in a padded cell for her own protection and mine. Who knows what she might do were she to be released? (This is, in a sense, true. I have often wondered what would happen if I suddenly decided to waste everything & everyone, & follow my heart! )

At first my fraternal twin sister was simply literary (using the term loosely) symbolism. But, over time, the idea has become more & more real to me. Of course I know there is really no fraternal twin sister inside of me. But I must admit that she seems almost real & I do talk with her at times. Initially I named her Eileen. This was after the old movie: "My Sister Eileen". But my sister hated that name & gave me no end of trouble over it. So for a long time she had no name at all. Quite recently the name Gretchen popped into my mind. (I don't know anyone named Gretchen.) But my sister seems to like this name. So I guess Gretchen is what I will call her from now on.

So this is how the concept of my fraternal twin sister developed. I guess my hope is that, in relating all of this along with the other transgender posts I've written, it will help others (both trans & non) to increase their understanding with regard to what a life lived as a non-transitioned transsexual is like. I've had 60+ years to learn about it. Thanks again for reading, & replying to, my posts!

[Frankbtl]

Hi Skeezyks, it sounds like a very long journey you've been on/you're on and I'm really sorry for the pain you've had to endure.
But despite the "psychotic" bit (which I've already...... !!) it does sound like you feel a kind of affinity with/want more of a "relationship"/involvement with that other part of you.
And as you've already wondered about "following your heart"..........maybe you're not feeling as "whole"/less of yourself without allowing that part as much into who you are (or who you are to others even??) ???
So what about "standing up" and saying "this is who I am"/"this is who I want to be" just a little bit more??
As is coming through (to me anyway !!) you are seeing that Gretchen doesn't really have to be "bad", meaning that that really doesn't have to be a "bad" part of you either.
So right, how do you reckon you could give Gretchen/you a bit more of a chance to breathe, to cut loose, to feel free??
Maybe a chance of following your heart a bit more, somehow, someway?? After all life can be kind of empty sometimes if we don't at least try to take the chances when they're there to follow our hearts. And one of the most important/valuable things in life can sometimes be just being able to be who we are and to be true to ourselves.



Alison

Hi Alison: Ah-h-h... you give me inspiration for another post! I wrote a couple of replies to brokenentity's post in the transgender forum regarding keeping hope alive. What I talk about in those replies outlines, for the most part, what I have been able to do. It is about all I will be able to do. I do try to do what I can for Gretchen, poor soul. But she must remain locked away. There's no telling what kind of mayhem she might spread were she to be set free. Yes, she can be gentle & kind at times. But I cannot allow myself to be taken in. The stark reality is that she has been locked away for decades. She is insane...

[Frankbtl]

Hi Skeezyks, nothing wrong with a little crazy occasionally !!!!!!
Can be good!!!!

Perhaps "day release" from time to time???? Will leave that thought with you though!!!! And until then just make sure you're keeping her happy every now and then



Alison

Why not let Gretchen write?

Ya know, Sophiesmom... I've actually tried that. When I was in the hospital, following my last attempt to hit my delete button, one of the staff told me about the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). It's kind of like an on-line marathon for writers. This was in late October two years ago, I guess. (I think I've said elsewhere it was one year ago... time flies...) When I got home I decided to try it. Since I didn't really have any idea what to write about, I just decided to write about my struggles with being trans... (Actually this is where the idea of my "psychotic fraternal twin sister came from.) What I wrote was pretty awful! But I did reach the objective of the event which is to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Well, I've tried to do this again twice since then & haven't been able to get to first base. It seems that, although I can write, "like a crazy person" in a situation like this, if I try to sit down & write something like an article, or a book, my mind just goes blank! I read a post a few days ago where the writer said that Zoloft erases people's creativity. I don't know if this is true or not & I'm not on Zoloft now. (I was at one time.) But I am on Cymbalta & I could see where the same sort of thing could possibly be happening. I suppose I could try writing a journal from my fraternal twin sister's perspective. That might be interesting although I don't know how much material a disembodied crazy girl could manage to come up with...

Well, speaking strictly from personal experience, disembodied crazy girls have a never-ending supply of material for a blog.....