My Decision

For a couple of years or so after I stumbled onto the transgender community on YouTube, I was thoroughly mesmerized. But then gradually I came to see that spending so much time on it was probably not healthy. So I closed my YouTube Channel. After a while, I opened a new channel with the intention of subscribing to primarily music-related channels. However, one thing led to another & gradually I began to return to spending considerable amounts of time watching, & commenting on, trans videos. I never got back to being as totally immersed as I was at first. But I was still back into it in a serious way.

The thing is though that I have always known, from the day I discovered the trans community on YouTube, that it was too late for me. I also was aware, though, that in addition to being transgendered I had also struggled with major depression & generalized anxiety disorder for pretty much my entire life as well. What I will never know is which came first. Did I start out mentally ill & develop Gender Identity Disorder as a component of my mental illness? Or did I start out transgendered & develop mental health problems as a result? It is a ball of wire that will never be untangled.

So a few months ago, I made the conscious decision to focus on the mental illness aspect of my personal struggles. I decided that there was basically nothing I could do about being transsexual. But there were at least a few things I could do about being mentally ill. I could continue to take psych med's, maybe get some therapy (not that this has turned out to be worth much), & I could spend my time on the internet focusing on mental health issues rather than trans issues. So that is what I've done. (Today, I subscribe to almost no trans channels on YouTube.) Obviously, if one looks at the number of posts I have in the Transgender Forum, I have far from left the transgender topic behind. But I am continuing to try to view my personal struggles through the lens of mental illness rather than through the lens of transsexuality. In the whole scheme of things, it probably doesn't make much difference. But it seems to make sense to me.

I wish you luck on the things to come in your development of self. I don't really have any understanding of transgender but I have known a person when I was in my teens who was a friend of a friend that was born a boy but by age 4-5 he was playing with dolls, wanting to wear dresses and the parents tried to teach him this was not right for him. By age 15-16 when I met him he was way gay (at least that's how I took it) and was very "out there" with sex talk and drugs/alcohol.

Looking back I can assume the drugs and such came from the pain of dealing with hate and forced change from his youth all along to when I met him. Then you add the overall tone of the LGBT community as a whole I am sure he was introduced to a party life rather quickly in finding a few like him or of that group/mindset.

I am not sure what became of him but a sex change was the last thing I heard he was going to do as soon as the money came through from a boyfriend he had been with for a few months.

I know his life must have been hellish and confusing and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone but if your born knowing something other than what you find yourself in then there is something to it. You may have trouble with affording a change and paying for the bills but in the end I have to think that "where there's a will there's a way." Otherwise I would have left this world a while back after losing so many jobs.

Thanks for replying to my post, LaborIntensive, & for sharing your experience. Yes, I can tell you from personal experience that being trans is like having your psyche twisted over-&-over into knots with a pair of pliers. It just makes you crazy. And society's taboos regarding anything related to gender & sexuality just adds fuel to the fire. So I can certainly sympathize with the person you knew. Currently, treatment with hormones & surgery is the only known "cure". And this too sometimes comes with its own challenges. I hope that your acquaintance was able to find peace.

Anytime, it's sad that so many can come to this forum each day and play word games but don't take the time to discuss anything of value with anyone. All I can say is hang in there and make the most with what you have. I may not have an identity disorder but I have issues to. You would think being a glove fetishist would be a joke compared to the pains you have been through. But yet I have been laughed at and made fun of hundreds of times for just being me, being honest and to add insult to injury (when you think about it) the whole thing is about tactile touch, sensual touch, etc. You would think more ladies would find that attractive but nope.

Eh, the drum beats on and so we march...errrr Dance (yeah that's it)

I certainly hope that dealing with your mental issues, you will find peace with yourself in general. I hate you have had to go through this struggle. I don't know which comes first but by working on the mental health issues maybe it will strengthen you to deal with being transgender. I hope you have real life support, too, but if not you always have us on PC>

Thanks for replying to my post, Gayle! Oh... what would I do without PC today

I wish you nothing but the best. Even though I'm not trans I have struggled with my gender a lot [I identify as a demigirl] as well as mental illness, so I know all of this is far from easy. *hugs* Just hang in there! You have all of our support.