talking to t

How to I talk to T about gender issues? I see her for trauma/BPD. I don't know how to talk about how empty gender stuff makes me feel..... she knows my basic background with it but has not met anyone else like me.

Is a normal T not equipped to handle it? I feel so alone. I don't wanna rock the boat when I already have all this transference going on. :/

Well, my experience is that if your T isn't experienced & knowledgeable with regard to gender issues... forget it... but then that's just me. Maybe others have had better experiences. I have a post in this forum that I re-posted from the Psychotherapy Forum regarding my first attempt to come out as transgendered. I think it's titled: "Re-post".

Well, i came out and it was fine (I've been transitioned for a couple yrs) but it felt like it got silenced after that because, idk, maybe she didn't want to confuse herself thinking about how I have presented any differently. She was really proud of me when she found out i had transitioned and made it into like, oh, it's the 1st thing you did truly for yourself!! When i told her honestly that I'm not sure i even did it for me, i just felt pressured to...... And since then I felt unspoken pressure to not be struggling with it, like it was too confusing and she just wanted me to be a cis girl even though my reality is somewhat different. The truth is I fantasize a lot about living as a gay boy again, but I know it's a destructive thought because it is not realistic, but... I am really struggling with it and have no support system for this issue.

I'm not ashamed of my feelings but... I just start to feel uncomfortable every time I go to talk about it or say anything that highlights me not being a cis girl. It makes me feel freakish. And i think she is kind of sensitive to protecting that image of me. :/ like when I was telling her about some of my parts, the first 2 were boys and she started redirecting me to talk about current me and emphasizing that she is a girl. Even though only 2 of 5 that I talked about were boys i felt judged somehow. Just stuff like that. I feel like I'm allowed to be uncertain of everything else about me, but not my gender...

Maybe I am projecting that she is judging me, idk... but yeah I want to really talk to her about it i just don't want her to see me different. :c

sorry about your experience. I read your thread and it sounds like your T was really unhelpful for you. Did you see a gender therapist after that?

Well, it's a l-o-n-g story. But, after that, I went back into the closet for another 13 years or so. Shortly thereafter I made my first serious suicide attempt. Then a couple of years ago, I made my 2nd, almost successful, suicide attempt. At that point, I decided to open the closet door again. Subsequently, I did see a therapist who is experienced with gender issues. But our sessions really weren't going anywhere. So, after a few months, I quit. I no longer see anyone, other than my pdoc. I've said, a few times to individuals I've talked with, that I know what my options are. I just don't like any of them.