[blackmagic]

26 year old amab here, going through some self questioning after breaking off a relationship and losing a job. I know I am the only one who can do anything about this, so I am just going to type some history and leave it at that.

4 years old: my favorite color is pink, and I discovered that I will never grow up and be a woman. One of my first memories is being disappointed I was not born a girl, and I was heartbroken to find out it would never happen.

In the coming years I remember arguing with my cousin that I would be an aunt when I grew up, and her fighting me that I'd be an uncle. I hadn't really understood the differences.

In 3rd grade, I had to fight my parents so that I could be a witch for Halloween. You know, with a dress. "Witches are girls, you can't do that." Eventually I was allowed to be a witch for trick or treating, but not at the school halloween party.

Like many, I had discovered I could sexually arouse myself by stimulating my genatalia. I proceed to do this by "humping things" and "fingering the bean." Wow was I confused when I found out I was supposed to "jack off" like the other boys, that seemed REALLY weird. And when I hit puberty and... STUFF came out of me??? I WAS TERRIFIED.

Cue puberty and trying to fit in and be "normal." I knew that I wasn't like everyone else, and was just beginning to find out exactly why. I thought I might be gay, but the label never felt right. I really do not see how anyone could find a man attractive, because I'd always felt so gross.

In college, I joined an open minded fraternity (that I would not have joined at any other school) and entered into the annual drag ball for 3 years, winning first place at one, before freakin out before my 4th one and throwing all of my dresses away. After doing this a few times, I found out that purging is pretty common, but I hated myself for wishing for the day that those dresses could be mine.

Relationship-wise, I fail a lot and tell many half truths which must be obvious. Sexually, I have a hard time performing as a male and keeping it up, and don't... Have a lot of fun. It's terrifying. My last girlfriend suspected there was something
I was not telling her, and asked me, "what stimulates you? What do you think about when we are having sex?" My mouth said something dumb like, "Normal stuff," while my brain was screaming, "I IMAGiNE THAT I'M A WOMAN TOO!" But of course binding say that. I broke it off because I didn't feel like I could share this with her, along with some emotional manipulation that I couldn't see.

Now I'm doing some soul searching, and feel lost.

[kraken1851]

Hello blackmagic, welcome to our little community .

It took me til my late thirties to figure out I'm actually trans*, and it's still terrifying at times .What has helped me most is to read and discuss stuff with folks on this and other forums.

Good luck on your journey

[blackmagic]

Thanks, Kraken. How are things for you now?

I guess I don't have a purpose behind my original post, other than to get these feelings out there.

For years and years, in therapists' offices and among very close friends, I fought against my own feelings and brainwashed myself into believing, "NEVER EVER EVER TELL THIS STUFF TO ANYONE."

A few weeks ago I did open up and barf all of this stuff to a gay friend of mine that I wish was a closer friend, and just saying it out loud was a breath of relief.

[kraken1851]

Yeah, I experienced that as well -- saying it out loud was very liberating.

Things are a bit difficult for me and I feel a little stuck. But I'll sort things out somehow, I hope .

Do you have a therapist to help you sort things out?

Hello blackmagic: What you wrote sounds very familiar. I won't go into allot of details about myself. I have quite a few posts in this forum you can read if interested. I will just offer that, from my perspective, if you are truly transsexual, it does not go away. If you're trans, you're trans for life. So it is important to address your trans-ness directly. I'm probably not telling you something you don't already know. The fact that you're now opening up & talking about this is good news. Hopefully it can be a first step toward figuring out what your solution to the trans dilemma will be. Best wishes.