[Kjollee]

Hey! This is my first post on this forum, and I am here to straighten out a few things in my life which has been bothering me for quite some time.

When I was young I was a pretty genderneutral child. I didn't build my life around stereotypical maleoriented interests like sport, especially in group, like football. My parents did their best to introduce me to this but failed miserably since I mostly stood there watching the ball pass by as my fellowplayers kept the game going. I mostly observed and didn't want to participate in this violent (to me) form of interaction between people. It scared me. I couldn't relate to people with these pre-requisites.

As did competition between groups in general, especially men who are sadly raised not to take care of each other, but compete and overshine each others achievements. So instead of integrating myself in groupdynamics, I instead chose to hang out with the schools "nerds". Introverted escapists with a burning passion for things not considered especially masculine at the time - especially as we got older and puberty (hell) struck in.

Since then I have been in a limbo between groups, losing old friends, gaining new ones and during this time I have learned to reflect on how I identify with others. Especially since i've befriended a lot of openminded people with non-binary genders or non-normative sexualities. I found that I could relate much more to these individuals, since they did not label me strictly as a man and chose to not treat me as such. I was a peniscarrier to them, mainly an individual with a biological variation. I was provocated by this at first, since i've never really engaged myself in questions about my own identity. But after a while the notion set in and it felt so good.

My dad treats me as a stereotypical man, which creates all sorts of conflicts, especially with his stale view on gender. My mom does the same to some extent. Mainly when it comes to my emotions and how they counter them.

My old friends does the same. Since my relationship to men is complicated I am pretty much changed in their company and can't open up as i'd like to. I don't want to be percieved as weak, or unmanly. This is mostly common when I hang out with men in group. It just doesn't speak to me anymore. It feels very uncomfortable. I hate what I transform into.

Since a month or two I am provocated by being labeled as a man instead, or being called a "he". I can still partially relate to it, which I find curious. But I feel more at terms with being neutral, or an individual.

When I was reading up on labels a few days ago I found something called "demiboy", which highly spoke to me. I feel less a man, than I do an individual. I have more feminine traits than masculine, but relates to them equally. This is a very confusing thing to me and I am constantly doubleguessing myself. Is this another groupbehaviour to fit in with my new friends, or is this a natural progression/explanation of my character and how I identify with myself and others? It's such a relief being conceived more as an individual, than a man, but is that reason enough to "reidentity" and drop my preconceptions on who I am (should be, according to how I was raised)?

Sorry if I stepped on someones toes. One part of me feels these are silly train of thoughts, whilst another really believes I should follow up on it.. I am pretty distracted and need to figure out just what it is i'm going through here. This also came pretty late in life since i'm already 26, two months away from 27.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Kjollee: Gender issues can be very complex & confusing. I'm an older person now. And yet I still struggle with issues that have plagued me since I was a young child. I always imagined that as I grew older, these issues would gradually dissipate of their own accord. Unexpectedly, however, a few years ago, they exploded. It's only now that I can say I feel like they have more-or-less faded out again.

When I was growing up, & also when I was a young adult, no one talked about gender identity issues. The terms transgender & transsexual had yet to be invented, & there was no internet. So, if one didn't fit into the gender binary, one just kept it to themselves. I'm amazed at how rapidly things are changing now. I don't really understand all of the different terminology that is in use nowadays to identify all of the different resting places that exist along the gender continuum. So I don't spend much time here in the Transgender Forum. But I read your post & wanted to simply say that figuring out one's gender identity can be a long-term project, if one does not fall neatly into the typical gender binary. So be gentle with yourself & take your time. My best wishes to you.

[TheSeamster]

Hey there! It's totally normal to second guess yourself at some points. And even if you end up choosing a different label, that's okay! Gender identity is a journey. You don't need to know who you are right away. It's all about what makes you feel comfortable in your own skin.

I'm a feminine demiboy, and it took me some time to find a label that suited me best.