Feeling alone... just seeking support

I'm struggling with this really badly lately. I never thought I'd struggle with it so much, to be honest. The dysphoria has gotten worse - both in regards to social and body - and I just couldn't think of where else to go. I feel, often, like I have very few social networks left. Isolation in relation to eating disorders is, sadly, very real (and very isolating). I know everyone here will understand it, though..

I started binding regularly a few months ago, and it's been mostly a positive experience. Mostly. During the height of my eating disorder, I tried to assume a female identity. I don't really understand why I did this. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with it, analyzing it, over thinking it... The point is, for about a year, I presented myself as "female". The social response from even people who "accepted" me left me in a state of shock. A state of shock I haven't been able to pull out of. During that time, I had convinced myself I was agender, or maybe nonbinary, or something. I am not. I just thought, maybe, it would be easier if I were. And soon, everyone was responding positively not only to the change in my weight, but the change in my appearance. They complimented me. Beautiful, pretty, shining. Whatever. Inside, each of those compliments cut like a knife. I felt hollow. Because it wasn't me. That is where this all begins, I believe.

I now have to "come out" again. I don't know how to do this, and that's what I want to talk about. Advice, other people's experience(s). I don't know. Something to remind me that I'm not alone. Because as of late. I feel alone. I have tried to come out again several times. I, as I said, have started binding. I threw away all the female clothes, because I was sick and tired of looking at them. I changed my name on all my social networks back to the trans name I have taken. And I have tried, so hard, to request people respect it. No one has. And it hurts that they don't even seem to make an effort. I could forgive it if they at least tried. I try to keep a level head. To understand that they may not understand. But it's driving me into a deep depression, the likes of which I've never experienced prior.

And as I said, the use of the binder has been mostly positive. Mostly. When I presented as female, I experienced street harassment a lot. This created fear of streets, fear of walking at night, fear of being outside alone. I'm relearning what LGBT go through. And it is just as bad, but from a less sexual, more aggressive place. On days where I look more masculine and (for lack of a better term, though I hate this term) "passable", I am mostly left alone. Other days... not so much. And I learned, today, that even when I'm "passable" it doesn't stop. I have now been called every derogatory word for people under the LGBT umbrella, including the f one (use your imagination). I'm shaken up after what happened today. It has opened so much confusion in me. About coming out, gender identity, sexual identity, and fear. I realize this post has been long, but the incident today was far more aggressive than normally, and I have been unable to make sense of a lot of things.

Thanks for listening. As I said, I guess from posting here... I'm mostly hoping to be reminded that I'm not alone, because right now I feel like I am.

Hey bronzeowl,

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with so much bad stuff at the moment, it sounds really rough!

When I tried to do the "female thing" (that was before coming out to myself and others) for roughly a year I started wearing dresses -- and people didn't stop complimenting me on how good it looked. I hated it so much. All this positive reinforcement when you decide to present according to what others feel is your "appropriate" gender. This is so.... well, I won't swear.

I really hope your friends come around and are nothing but supportive. I think most of us here get the struggle you're going through and what made you decide to try and "be" your birth gender. I wish cis folks would understand as well, but I think it's hard for them to understand if someone announces they're trans in the first place -- nevermind someone switching back and forth.

The harrassment on the street, that's bad. Please stay safe!

Hugs (if you feel like them)
Adrian

Hiya, sounds like we've been through some similar stuff. I know how scary it feels to walk alone. (anytime of the day really, especially if I need to pee). People are scary, especially prejudiced cishet folk. Usually it's best to try hard to have someone (anyone) you know with you. I actually don't use the bathroom alone in public anymore unless there's a "family bathroom" or single stall bathroom, because I am legitimately scared of what people would do. Be safe. If you need too, I'd recommend carrying some kind of self defense tool. Or holding your keys in your knuckles (that's what I do).

I definitely know how it feels to have people not respect your pronouns or even your name. You're already doing better than me by keeping a level head. (I've blown up at quite a few people about it). My sister, after about two years, still won't call me by my name and refuses to stop referring to me as her "sister" (I gag a little just typing that.). I've also yelled at my mom and grandmother a few times because they said my pronouns were too "difficult".

But I want you to know you're not alone
And that you're identity matters. It's real. And it's yours. And no one can tell you otherwise! You are strong.

You had so much courage to come out and that's already a big step. I hope your friends will come around, and if not I hope you can build a circle of friends who will respect you. And we're here for you too! Cheering you on!

Things will get better!
I'm sending you support! (and if you're okay with it, hugs too!)
-Aren