Double Standards

When we think of gender and double standards, we tend to think of women who have been victims of male privilege or chauvinism. There are certainly no end to such examples. On the other hand, the sword cuts two ways, and I would argue that both sexes suffer as a result. This is not a new thought for me, but what got me thinking about it was a couple of recent experiences.

First, I had shoulder surgery last Friday and I'm in a sling type contraption at the moment. No matter where I go, someone asks, “What happened to your arm?” Humor is a social lubricant for me and so I usually will say something like, “I back talked the wife once too many times” which always elicits a laugh. Usually, my wife is with me and will play along, “I think he's learned his lesson, don't you?” Every single person has got a comment, most often something along the line of, “Well he's a man, don't count on it, they can be pretty stupid.”

Can you imagine my wife with a black eye saying, “I back talked my husband once too often” getting a laugh? How about me going along with it with, “I think she's learned her lesson, don't you?” The police would have been at our house doing a welfare check by now and we wouldn't have gotten a single laugh I'll wager.

The largest domestic violence study ever conducted at the time (1981) showed equal numbers of victims between the sexes. Numerous studied since have confirmed that finding. But there are other examples of double standards...

Just a few days ago in another thread I made the mistake of mentioning false rape claims. I had to remove myself from that thread. Immediately, it was brought to my attention by a thoughtful member (there is no sarcasm in that descriptor) that there are rape victims here who would not take kindly to saying such things. He was right. Another member pointed out to me that as a new member I should know that this is a kinder, gentler place. No rebuke was necessary for the member who then wrote a post just to call me a liar about over twenty years of volunteering work I've done.

I've been falsely accused of rape. I was arrested. I was beat up by the police. I was later cleared when the underage 'victim' broke down and said she was just trying to get back at me for refusing to have sex with her. But as a man, I don't get to talk about false claims – not unless I share intimate details of my personal life. Women can talk about the horrors of rape without ever having to reveal that they were raped.

My academic adviser in college (UAF) and friend was accused of sexually molesting a nineteen year old co-ed. He was the fifth teacher or professor she had accused, but that was inadmissible. He was placed on administrative leave. I knew he didn't do what he was accused of because I was one of only a couple of folks in the world who knew he was gay and in a committed relationship with his partner of over twenty years. The investigation revealed that, and his homosexuality rated first page news – its how his parents found out. Before he could return to school though, he died of pneumonia. You don't die of pneumonia in otherwise good health at fifty-one years old – you die because your world has imploded and you've given up. The poor girl had to deal with a great deal of embarrassment over that; no charges though.

I think double standards are wrong. I know that there are victims on both sides of the gender divide. Only allowing one side a voice is wrong and keeps people suffering unnecessarily. In fact, only allowing one side a voice helps keep the sexes unequal.