[oscillapram]

Hello Gents,

My first post and wanted to introduce myself.

I'm a white collar Gen-Xer living in a place far removed from my origins and family. I'm a social and cultural outsider and have no network to speak of; despite being here for 10 years. It's lonely (and very cold in winter!)

My marriage has been in terminal decline for 5+ years. There is no love, intimacy or even respect for one another. We maintain the status quo for the two adopted sons (6 & 2) that we absolutely adore.

We maintain appearances of a well balanced, suburban family. While privately I feel absolutely crushed and heart broken at what has passed and what lies ahead.

I know for sure I can not stay in this marriage. I know for sure separation will leave an indelible mark on the development of these two boys. I know for sure I'm strong enough to endure this and patient enough to do it "right".

I speak with a T twice a month. While kind, sympathetic and experienced, she's encouraging me to have an affair(!?!). I've assured her I don't need an excuse or someone else to free me. The only thing in the way of my "desire" is my moral compass.

The question I've been grappling with is HOW to separate that won't leave me an outcast, broke and villianized in the eyes of my Sons.

My second question, is there an optimum time/age for these two boys to experience this change in their circumstances?

I lost my father at age 8 and grew up a latch-key kid (men of a certain age will be familiar with this phrase). I'm no stranger to abuse and neglect and want to minimize the impact on my sons and avoid them being turned against me.

I would like to hear from men who have experienced this and come out the other side. Will you share with me the benefit of your wisdom and experience?

Thanks

Oscliiapram

[CANDC]

Hi Oscliiapram, welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you feel trapped in your relationship because of the children. I respect your decision to remain faithful. Affairs can also tear a person apart inside. Sometimes things are worse than before.

Here are articles that discuss some of the issues you describe

Kids and Divorce: Ten Tough Issues | Psych Central

Are You Trapped & Unhappy in Your Relationship? | Psych Central

Why Do We Stay In An Unhealthy Relationship? | Mental Health Awareness

[oscillapram]

Thank you for these resources. Particularly the first one. This was enlightening.

[CANDC]

You are most welcome

[Skeezyks]

Hello Oscliiapram: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So I wanted to say welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry your & your wife's relationship has reached this sad point. I don't know as there is much I can offer you with regard to your concerns. From my perspective, I think the primary thing here is going to be the extent to which you & your wife can facilitate this break-up smoothly & amicably. Have the two of you discussed this? Are you in agreement that this has to occur?

It might be helpful if the two of you would be willing to participate in some couples counseling... not in an effort to save the marriage... but in an effort to clear the way through the separation & divorce process. There is tremendous potential for anger & hostility in a marriage break-up... from custody issues to financial concerns. The fewer disagreements (or outright arguments) the two of you can have the better for your two sons. Unfortunately if you're simply leaving, & your wife is not in agreement, I'm afraid the reality is that this is all just going to be harsh & there's no way to make it anything else, in my opinion. I wish all of you the best...

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[fishin fool]

Welcome aboard, I have been through this very issue myself.
I stayed in a marriage for many years only for the kids.
I am happy to be divorced and even though my kids were young adults
at the time it seems I still came out the bad guy.
I am and always have been a good and solid father to my kids but I guess
it was tough on them and somehow the man usually takes the blame.
I waited years to move forward with the divorce and in the end I feel like it
made a little bit of a difference but not a huge one.
They had a stable home to grow up in but they told me they knew something
was wrong for a long time.

[oscillapram]

Originally Posted by fishin fool

Welcome aboard, I have been through this very issue myself.
I stayed in a marriage for many years only for the kids.
I am happy to be divorced and even though my kids were young adults
at the time it seems I still came out the bad guy.
I am and always have been a good and solid father to my kids but I guess
it was tough on them and somehow the man usually takes the blame.
I waited years to move forward with the divorce and in the end I feel like it
made a little bit of a difference but not a huge one.
They had a stable home to grow up in but they told me they knew something
was wrong for a long time.

Thanks...

I think I know the answer to my first question and that there's no right time as far as kids are concerned. With the two being so young and vulnerable and the onset of the holiday season, I have zero energy or appetite for the trauma that lies ahead.

I have no doubt she'll take it badly and be as viscous and nasty as I know she can be. She seems happy to maintain the status quo and seems to like being married; just not to me. Separation counseling seems to be out the question, given her rejection of marriage counseling.

While she has an extended network and family and friends, I face this alone. This is going to be rough... For now, I've chosen to bide my time and try to prepare myself as best I can.

Thanks for your insight though.