Clingy Mother and Independent Son

Hi,

I have a mother who gets very distrought if I do not communicate with her on a daily basis. She likes to blame my current girlfriend as the reason I do not call her. As an example, I went away camping and was out of touch for three days. When I returned and gave her a call, she proceeded to lecture to me about it, eventually having to hang up because she was becoming excessively angry and upset during the conversation as well as refusing to let me relate my point of view to her. If I did manage to get a word in, she would make claims to the extent that it was my girlfriend who has blinded me to the right way of things. She constantly points out families where children are in constant contact with their parents, or that in other ethnic groups (ie italians, brazilians, etc) where this type of behavior would not be tolerated. Also, this notion that I should be calling my mother daily, if not more, has been getting worse over the years. In my opinion, I should not have to communicate with my mother on such a frequent basis.

I am a 37 year old only child. My parents are currently "separated" but not divorced (it's been that way for almost 10 years) and my mother currently lives a few thousand miles away from both me and my father. I have had a close relationship with my mother for my entire life but I am a very independent person. Also, my mother has had extensive difficulties with most of the women that I date and have close relationships with. Come to think of it she also has a lot of difficulty with most of my friends, considering them not worthy of my friendship most of the time. She has refused to speak or interact with my current girlfriend (though my current girlfriend has made some serious errors in her attempts to communicate with her, once emailing her a very offensive email during a rough time) and was significantly hostile to a previous girlfriend who eventually broke up our relationship because of the stress (though she too had her own problems, anorexia being one of them).

What advice is out there for dealing with this situation? What things can I do differently to help her cope?

Thanks,

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frostmourn said:
What things can I do differently to help her cope?


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That is quite a query frostmourn...really is.

How to help her cope...wow..I am impressed by that statement. I'm sure that is not at all what you were seeking..my silly approval.

But you didn't ask how can you cope and that is what so touched me...a great example stood before you some where along the way...

My advice is simple and may not invest itself well in your particular situation...Mother Son relationships can be complex and there may be issues that you haven't shared...

But IMHO,,support her insecurities by calling her on a schedule for a bit of time..say every other day at about 9 PM for example...then over time when she becomes accustomed to these calls insert a surprise call from time to time and just tell her you love her...short call but worth every second...

While communicating with her,,explain to her that you are a grown man and you love her very much but you cannot tolerate her beratement of your chosen partners..It is unfair to you and them..so if she begins any of this you will politely end the call.

In our lives we are often treated by what we allow and how we treat others..Loving boundaries are wonderfull examples of a strong healthy sense of self,,one who is strong enough to love another genuinely...

Again,,IMHO.

Lenny

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What advice is out there for dealing with this situation?

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Perhaps I was not clear on my part of the equation. I never was that great of a wordsmith.

Just to clarify, not only am I looking for advice on how to help my mother "cope" with an independent son, but also how I can "deal" with a clingy mother. I hope that helps.

On a side note, why is your initial reply so seemingly hostile or am I reading your text incorrectly?

Then I am the poor wordsmith..it may be cultural..I was not at all being sarcastic...You are a wonderfull son for being so concerned about your Mother's welfare..

I am sorry if my words did not adequately express my feelings...

Lenny

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But IMHO,,support her insecurities by calling her on a schedule for a bit of time..say every other day at about 9 PM for example...then over time when she becomes accustomed to these calls insert a surprise call from time to time and just tell her you love her...short call but worth every second...

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As you might have guessed, this pavlovian solution does not work. I have tried to make a regular schedule of it only to get lectured on the on days about the off days.

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While communicating with her,,explain to her that you are a grown man and you love her very much but you cannot tolerate her beratement of your chosen partners..It is unfair to you and them..so if she begins any of this you will politely end the call.

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This does not work either. Firstly, whenever I try to explain my point of view to her, even in a calm and caring way, she will immediately tell me to "stop arguing" and "listen to" her (or as has become the norm more recently, that my girlfriend makes me think that way), especially if my point of view is contradictory to her own. Secondly, when presented with such an argument as you have suggested, she will point out examples of sons known to her do behave in a manner in which she is expecting, citing them as the norm.

-Fm

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frostmourn said:

As you might have guessed, this pavlovian solution does not work. I have tried to make a regular schedule of it only to get lectured on the on days about the off days.

This does not work either.

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As I said,,there is much that I don't know...

But..it does take two hands to make the sound of a clap..stop being the other hand..

When she treats you like a child politely describe her behavior and its effect on you and end the call...

Lenny

Good grief. If I had to talk to my parents more than once a week, I'd jump out the window.

Seems like you need to set some sort of boundaries with her, no matter how small they might be. She seems, in my opinion, out of control. You've got to start somewhere. What do you think might be a possibility?

Personally, I don't mind talking with my family/mother on a frequent basis, though briefly. The problem I'm finding is that if I go without such frequent communications it is viewed negatively by my mother to a degree that it is significantly disruptive.

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But..it does take two hands to make the sound of a clap..stop being the other hand..

When she treats you like a child politely describe her behavior and its effect on you and end the call...

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I totally agree with you. I often do exactly that. Unfortunately, it seems to have the opposite effect of adding fuel to the fire. She will often take my unwillingness to continue such conversations as proof that either my girlfriend is brainwashing me against her point of view or that I'm being immature about the subject. Obviously there is something wrong here.

I've not had any problems as such, but when it comes to the woman you want to be with, you need to make yourself happy, you have already given enough information in my opinion to indicate that your mother is not receptive to change.

I would call her up explain how I feel, and if it leads to disruptive conversation end the call, then let her be the one that has to call you if she wants to talk. If and when she calls if it leads to drama again, explain you are happy with your woman and life and she has to just accept that, then end the call again.

Sorry if this is not helpful, but you'll have a long unhappy life alone
if you continue to let your mother dictate your life , in my opinion.

It sounds like she is jealous of your affection(s) for other women…this is inappropriate and unfortunate.

Also she sounds like simple behavioral training, or Pavlovian as you said, won't get very far.

I'm in a similar situation, so I think I can empathize.

It can also be destructive because one feels ashamed of even bringing up the issue. I mean, most of friends are married…does anyone really think they want to hear me complain about my mom? (not to even mention women--I feel like I have a sign with "loser" written on it if I mention her).

So, that's the bad news. At least you're living independently, and in relationships with women. Out of curiosity, do you belong to any traditionally family-oriented cultures? If you're not Italian, Brazilian, etc., your mother's point about them is irrelevant. The men of both those cultures, for example, are stereotypically thought to have high rates of infidelity, do you think your mother also wants you to emulate *those* aspects of these cultures?

One concrete strategy springs to mind: when she calls, ask her about *her* friends.

Otherwise all I can think of off the top of my head are two books, one I read a few years ago and one I just started. The latter was "Emotional Incest" I think, and had some powerful but heavy concepts to it. There are a couple books with similar themes, just go to Amazon.com and look for those "Other Customers Also Purchased…"-type links. The current one is "Why You Behave In Ways You Hate and What You Can Do About It". Good luck