Sad resolution...

It has been confirmed that my mother only has maximum 12 months to live.
I spoke to her last night and it was clear that she is facing her last few months .

I'm sad. What a very horrible thing to have doubted the validity of a parent telling you that they are dying. That's what NPD does...

It's the Crying Wolf disease.

At least I've reached a place of forgiveness and peace.

I'm sorry your mum has this cancer. I'm sorry you had to verify it. I'm glad this knowledge brings forgiveness and peace.

That is indeed sad. It is not horrible that you had your doubts. That is part of what is so sad...the whole situation. I hope your family will find peace with each other and with what is to come.

I'm slightly confused, how do you know it's genuine because according to the previous threads, your mother is trying to get you as a supply. So how do you know that she's not lying just to get you to be a supply? Has she seen a doctor and has the doctor talked to you about it because you may be unable to rely solely on her word?

I agree, maybe you should see some paperwork from the Dr., or call him to verify. No harm in having confirmation, right?

If she's being truthful, I am very sorry for her - and you fifi.

This is quite a difficult question to answer. To be honest, until I heard her voice on the phone , I was quite prepared for her to be lying to be about her condition just to get me back on 'track' again.

She lives in South Africa, I live in the UK, so all of our 'relationship' outside of rare visits, is played out via email, text or phone calls. I do not know who her doctor is, and have no way of finding out. I did do a bit of online research to find out more about colon cancer before I gave her my landline number ( which she should have already had..?). I figured that if she didn't phone me, then I would put the claim down to attention seeking.

But she did call, and her voice was calm but close to tears. She spoke about her diagnosis, about her three times enlarged liver with many metastases(?) and the fact that she is booked in to have an operation to fit a colostomy bag and to fit a stent. She spoke of being in pain , she sounded sincere. The will was discussed even though I made it clear I wasn't interested in where her money went. All the time I remained cool, impassive and just listened. I didn't show upset, or make a fuss. I made it clear that I needed her to tell my sister as it wasn't my job. My lasting impression was that of sincerity, but I've no way of knowing otherwise.

But then I'm doing the same old thing I've always done aren't I? I'm measuring my NPD mother with the hopeful 'normal' yardstick.

My mother may be dying, and I may let her die and remain emotionally detached in order to keep 'safe'.
My mother may be playing a very twisted game.

Either way, it's a cruel thing indeed.
I will not go to her funeral, nor visit her.

She has since texted me saying she has told my sister ( again I have her word for this as my sister hasn't contacted me , she cut contact over our last drama caused by mum. You'd think she would make contact some how if she had been told that our mum was dying. I didn't respond to this text.

She also sent an email saying 'thanks for listening to me last night' and sent a picture of her and her new man taken on the same day. I have not responded to that either.

I may be ignoring the pleas of a dying woman to know she is loved and forgiven before she dies.

I may also be the pawn in a very twisted game.

I've no way of finding out either way.

****.

My sister has contacted me. She has been told too. So it seems that my mother is telling the truth after all. She has no need to lie to my sister as she already has my sister's attention in full.

I prefer this outcome. Even though it means that my mother is going to die very soon. At least she is telling the truth for once.

Yes, were I in your position, I would prefer that outcome, too. It's a melancholy position, but it's the one I would take.

My regrets. Please do keep us updated as you are able.

Well, if it sounds more genuine, which it obviously does, then are you going to bring your mother back into your life or are you going to continue with your family excluding her? If you do believe your mother, then I suppose you can aid the needs of a dying mother.

I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I feel the need to share:

My 87 year old N. dad passed away in '06 from lung cancer. During the year between diagnosis and death, he was the same old dad. Spiteful, self-centered, inflexible. And completely unwilling to mend fences with his family.

In Hospice, on his last day, he unleashed his venom on me (the youngest of 4 children). He made a point of telling me how disappointed he was in me and when I returned his vicious words with kindness and pity, he exploded into a display I've only seen in movies like The Exorcist. Not a very good memory to leave me with. When he tried to bite my Mother, I had to threaten him with a fist to make him back down.

I guess I wanted to share this with you so that you won't be too let down should your Mother behave similarly. I was expecting dad to make peace, share a kind word, or even ask for help.

I have heard it said that at the end of our lives we become who we really are.

Scary thought, huh?

(as a side note, our family is finally free of the mental and emotional abuse! Not all, but some of us are finally dealing with the horrid childhood we endured.)

Thanks so much for sharing that with me. It meant alot. In fact it brought a tear to my eye. Especially your side note.

My mum vacillates between absolute vitriol and sickly sentiment , that has always been her pattern. At the minute, now I've paid her some mind, ( not much as it happens) she has reverted back to the sentimental, showering me with messages saying how she has never stopped loving me etc . It does not bring me much comfort, to be honest, as it puts me in a position of appearing like a cold hearted bi*ch when I don't respond.
I have no expectations really now, and am in a position where I do not have to engage so much as she is in another country and neither of us daughters can afford to travel to see her.
I feel distant, numb and sometimes desolate. Other times I feel like relief is just around the corner. Wow, how inhuman does my response to this condition make me feel.We learn to shut down and are afraid to respond instinctively , constantly having to check to see if the sentiment expressed is real or just part of a complex emotional chess game.

My sister is in denial of mother's mortality, maintaining that she will be able to fight it. I'm the opposite, almost looking forward to a final conclusion to the game.

These moms get back what they sowed and what they deserve........

Sounds frighteningly familiar...
Exceptionally well stated!

I wish you growing peace in the weeks and months ahead.

I have to say i agree with VoNPD. i am so sorry that she has this illness but i also can see the situation for what it is. In the end we all must do what is right for us. As forum members we can guide you in what is right, but, ultimatly it is your decision and we all should be there for you to support you in your decisions.
Hang in there, i lived with a narcissist and i tell you it is one of the most unhealthy relationships you can have with someone. As stated here in a thread elsewhere, "a Chess game of emotions".........