[Eloise42]

What I am really looking for is some insight into a concern I have from people who are conscientious of this particular form of differentness. I would also like to say that from what I understand, I think it is incredible that people with this particular issue are willing to discuss and dissect what is unique about them.

My cousin is almost six years younger than me, which makes her barely 24. Her parents have never been particularly parental and in that void I think it is most accurate to describe her as something between a little sister and a child to me. A year ago she started dating a man fifteen years older than her. Which made me wary. I then found out that he has a young child overseas. This doesn't bias me against him but apparently he kept this kid a secret even from his family for five years and that, to me is a red flag.

Quite honestly I knew there was something different about this guy beyond the age difference from pretty early on. I feel like I made a good effort to connect with him but for some reason that turned into what I felt was an unneccesary control issue. I read him as an easily threatened, former military alpha male. For example, he was threatened when I "out performed" him in a yoga class, something which seemed to me like a gender inevitability and a non competitive sport.

I'm trying to make a long story short. He said something incredibly inappropriate and overtly sexual about my cousin after I had told him that exact thing made me uncomfortable. I have since come to learn that misunderstandings about boundaries are not uncommon with this condition. The situation escalated until my cousin felt like she was forced to choose sides and I'm not sure if it's codependancy or the knowledge that I would forgive her anything but I'm worried he has isolated her. I'm worried that he is going to continue to tell her she isn't good enough for him and in her inexperience she will continue to believe him.

He wrote me an extensive email and that is what pointed me towards narcissism. It is the explanation that makes sense of what has been a series of bizarre experiences.

So my questions are these: Does anyone have experience with codependant narcissism? Is it worth bringing this idea to her attention? Is he going to hurt her? If this is the reality combined with combat zone PTSD is he a danger to her? I feel like I would be on better ground if i could somehow reforge communication with him, he has always seen me as a threat. Can I change that perception? and if so how? The last thing I want is someone I have always looked out for in any kind of harm's way and feeling like she is torn or doesn't have a safe place to go. I reacted, now I'm ready to respond and i would really value any input.

[here today]

Hi, I'm just passing through while my regular community is down. But what you're describing sounds a lot like my daughter and her husband. To the extent that you have had a close relationship with your cousin, IMHO, you ARE a threat and there's nothing much that you can do to change that perception -- apart from becoming a part of the admiration society?

My experience has been really awful, I was dealing with my own issues when my daughter got married and I was not very socially savvy to begin with. Trust your gut is my best advice. I feel like I have to wait until my daughter gets some clues herself, if ever. Make sure that you take care of yourself, too, so that if the time ever comes when your cousin needs someone to throw her a life preserver, then you will be there. Not the way that we would like life to be.

I don't know if any of the regular folks here might have something more helpful to offer -- again, I have my own issues which include PDNOS but not necessarily NPD.

[Cleaning up]

From what I understand, isolating a partner (or N supplier), refusal to respect boundaries, and lying/manipulating are huge with Ns.