Inspiring stories

I agree. Seems like an emotional attachment and they are trying to justify the partner's actions to feel better about themselves.

I am not judging but NPD is a personality disorder with specific traits and that is a fact not a judgement

I have got a lot of answers but more so on this forum which I have been reading and which reveals a lot and helps me to understand - there are so many, too many questions but it is good to know how it feels to have NPD and if you read the forum which I presume you do then you will see there is so much information already and all this is helping me to understand the man I love.

When you say emotional attachment I believe this to be love I am not trying to justify my partner's actions - he has a personality disorder and all I am trying to do is to understand more about it - not to feel better about myself - what purpose would that have?

Look at undergrounds threads - they have helped me understand a little of how it might feel to be NPD and I really don't judge but if you wish to believe that - it is your choice. There are people who have diabetes or heart disease or MS - they have traits and symptoms and I don't judge those either. Why would I be with someone with NPD if I judged him because of it - what you say about me doesn't make sense!

As I have been brought in to this scenario I feel obligated to respond. May even be because of my "PD". Thornbird you can try to understand and feel as though this will help your relationship. The most likely outcome is you will try harder to get closer and in turn it will make him even worse towards you. You see events happen as in game play, we have a tough time not putting pieces in place that we want and when the other gives in and becomes a pawn that will only make things worse for you. Again I am only talking from my side and not from any book or anyone else's perspective. You love this man but he can't really change if he is not recognizing he has issues and even then change is extremely difficult. You see for me no matter how much I want to be able to show things I can't because it's not who I am. I don't posses emotions like a normal person does, I don't think of others feelings and I can never take myself out of my shoes and put myself into someone else's. I see things the way I do and try so hard to understand why others do the way they do but always fall short. Probably because for so many years I just did not care too. I am the first to admit that I have always seen in BLACK AND WHITE never any other shades. I think for many like us that's all we can see. We can act as if we understand, care or relate but the fact is we can't. My mind has been trained for reasons I can never know to be the way I am. Because of this it's a constant battle for my wife's emotions to be hurt. I can show one day so much love and happiness and the next I can show nothing and worse feel nothing. I have done the same actions to my kids, when they are toddlers I feel everything for them, when they would cry it would bother me so much but when they hit years of 6-7 I would no longer be affected by their emotions. Reasons relating to my own childhood where I created my "PD". You are probably always going to be on the side you don't want to be. True NPD persons are not ones that will make things in your life better. Especially the ones who think there is nothing wrong with them which is MOST. Basically I am a master of creating whats needed for me to get what is needed and nothing is exempt. Probably somewhat like who your involved with. You are in a situation that is likely to fail for you, to make you hurt and bring you down. Mentally take you out of your place and create a picture you will live with that is based on hate, no trust, disgust and depression. I can take who you are and it would only fill my needs. It's a dangerous game to play, we are relentless people who will do what's needed to hurt you beyond anything ever. Take your weakness and make it even worse. Us "nuts" attract people with issues which I assume something is up with you as well. Again I want to point out to all I speak from my own mind not trying to be a doctor or a mentor on any subject other than the mind of mine(and may of us relate in a crazy way). Bottom line is you are setting yourself up for failure, the quicker you get away the quicker you can work on you. I am a good person with a fu%&ed up head, I will always see different and I am ok with this but not proud. I know that if I could have a choice to be different I would choose to be because my MEDS suck!!!!! Anyway had to chime in.....

BTW im still waiting to hear an inspiring story and not saying this in a narc way but I too enjoy the possibilities of hope!!!!

PD’s are “curable”.

Yes they are. Maybe not yet for all PD’s but it’s coming eventually I’m convinced. In order to keep on keeping on I did a lot of research to convince myself it WAS possible. Right now it’s not easy and the methods aren’t widely agreed on. I haven’t gone to the university library near me yet to see what’s being said in the academic literature, but my PDNOS is well on its way to being resolved. My therapist agrees. I have complained a lot about how there’s not much good therapy for PD’s and that I’ve had such a hard time finding help, despite being willing to acknowledge that something was “wrong” with me, and she comes back with the fact that most people with PD’s don’t think there is anything wrong with them.

Yeah – because most people with PD’s have intransigent defense systems against pain and traumas, etc., that are unbearable. I had a “nervous breakdown” of my defensive pattern/PD about 12 years ago – it had failed me in some important respects over the previous 5 years. I had been relatively functional before then. Could my PD have gotten resolved without breaking down first? Probably not with most current therapies.

About 6 - 8 years ago I was feeling like I was fighting against evil within myself. I wanted to go somewhere that I could act it out and get exorcised – flailing my arms and people holding me down and them not getting their feelings hurt or thinking that I was a horrible person because I was acting in a horrible way. Just letting it out, to get to know what it was. There was no such place to go.

Turns out that image is a pretty close match for the original trauma that had been unbearable – I’m 66 and had my tonsils out when I was 3. They didn’t give you sedation back then and my mother was not allowed in when they wheeled me into the operating room. I can still “see” the metal instruments on the wall in this strange, sterile room and I started getting upset, then yelling and kicking and flailing my arms. The nurses held me down and put an ether mask over my face. I can still “see” that yellow/orange rubber mask.

Finally, after 50 years of therapy, on and off, with the help of my trauma specialist therapist whom a FRIEND (NOT any of the other professionals) recommended, I’ve gotten re-connected with and processed most of the horrible feelings and emotions associated with that event.

I’d suggest that PD’s are like “behavioral addictions” that we create for ourselves in childhood, before we have access to any chemical means of alleviating our distress. (This idea inspired by Heinz Kohut's distinction between "narcissistic personality disorders" and "narcissistic behavior disorders" which include addictions.) With that in mind, here’s a recent article:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/after-trauma/2014/01/why-the-connection-between-addiction-and-ptsd/

Until we can acknowledge our own pain (and that takes good trauma therapy and the recognition by the mental health profession that we need it), we will probably continue to act in ways that pain others sometimes. And make no mistake -- things may get really bad when we start being able to feel those feelings we numbed out. Kind of like the DT's?

But one way I think SHOULD be able to work is if people are willing to acknowledge they have a PD and if other people in their life are willing to say "I felt hurt when you . . ." and if the person with the PD can stop the reflex defense reaction (e.g., "I don't care" or whatever) and hear the other person's perspective, then it seems to me things might eventually improve over time. But that's just me talking, don't know if there's any literature on that.

Sound a little blow-hardy, doesn’t it? Sorry, I didn’t say that I was well YET.

Thank you for all of this. It is (was) my bf. Every word of it.

Thank you that has given me so much to think on - I will read it over and over again - I just want to learn and understand as much as possible - I am not scared of the truth - I just want to know so again thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply

And yet you still have a wife and children - how do they cope and do you love them? Would you say you have more insight than most NPD's it feels that way to me.

I do love them but it is a challenge for them all. I definitely do not have insight more than anyone else with NPD. The fact is I probably have less than most who really do the research on all levels. My insight is always my own, I never try to talk as if I am better although that's what I have been reprogrammed to do. To be honest I was once told that my ways shown right through by another who had NPD, when this happened I was extremely aggravated and then after reading it again and again I realized they were right. Everything I was saying was for myself, my image and what was to be perceived. I realize more then ever that I am not better than anyone else. Does this mean it applies always? Of course not!! I am still who I am just with a slight better understanding usually a while after I do something that is not acceptable by todays society. The difference is I never thought I did something wrong or inappropriate it was always ok. I am not saying that it is not possible for things to work out for you just not a high percentage. My wife challenges me to a level that nobody has ever done. This for me has made me change things around and it has always worked out. The fact is not only do I have NPD but I am also a little nuts so the mixture doesn't always work well. My wife does like to refer to me as a sociopath... LOL She has somethings going on as well and like I said before people with issues seem to stick together!!!

Thank you again underground you really are being so helpful to me and I think I am beginning to understand a little. My problem is that I am a nurse and probably to empathetic and I seem to be easy prey as I am soft etc.!